How to tell friend I'm pregnant
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Anonymous
Um, I would be super annoyed if I got the message you proposed. It’s super over the top, and seems disingenuous. It’s “total bullshit” that OP is pregnant? No no no. |
Anonymous
I see your perspective- but OP has nothing to apologize for and doesn’t need to go on and on about how unfair it is that she is pregnant and how BS it is and how she wishes it hadn’t worked out this way. She is talking about her child. Telling OP to make a show to her friend about how much this baby is an awful thing for their friendship is inappropriate. |
Anonymous
OP is clearly trying to be a good friend here, which is why she is asking for advice, but the bottom line is, her pregnancy and the joy of her new baby doesn’t revolve around her friend, even if her friend is using her family as surrogate sibling for her child. OP can be gentle about it but what you’re proposing is nuts. People get pregnant and have babies. It’s not uncommon. OP should be gentle but this is not her burden to bear and she shouldn’t have to throw her unborn child under the bus and pretend he or she isn’t even wanted to appease her friend. |
Anonymous
| Another vote for via text. You’re kind to worry about this OP. |
Anonymous
I'm the IF friend with the only. Best friend? I would not want a text if you were my best friend...so cold. Also not a huge announcement at a lunch where I couldn't get away if needed. Walk in the park? Takeout coffee? What do you usually do, without kids? Visit on the front porch? It's not easy whatever you decide, and there is no right answer for everyone going through IF. I might want a heads up text "Hey, have something going on, can we chat privately sometime?" That way it's not "let's have lunch" and then "surprise!" whatever easy way you try to ease into it. This might get her wondering, and she can choose to say "sure, let's meet" or "are you pregnant" or "can we chat over the phone first?". You'd be surprised that this lead-in will probably tell her what is going on. Us longtime IFer's have our radar up all.the.time. I also found it easier to hear pg news from people that I knew really cared about me. Still hard, but better. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for all the advice. If it were a common acquaintance, or even a general friend I could see telling her in text, but I'm struggling to figure out the words to say to my best friend, and part of it feels disingenuous to tell her through text, although I hear all of you saying this gives her time to process. I just want to tread carefully as to not cause her more pain than she's already experienced. And agree, she loves the fact that both of our boys are "onlies" and is constant talking about how they're just like "siblings". I know this is going to crush her. I'm excited for me, but my heart breaks for her. |
Anonymous
OP here, thank you, this resonates with me. Agree that sending the text feels cold, so I appreciate this perspective!! |
Anonymous
You are a good friend, OP. But a lesson that she was always going to learn eventually was that your child was not a surrogate sibling for hers , and she can’t expect you (or anyone else) to keep their family a certain way for her benefit. Maybe your kids would have grown apart. Maybe you would have moved. Maybe a million different things. Your family doesn’t exist to make her feel better about hers and while I’m sure she knows that objectively, it will be hard for her to hear emotionally. But the sooner the better because if it wasn’t your pregnancy (And congratulations!) it would have been your kids being in different classes with different interests next year, or your transfer to Portland, or one of many other things. |
Anonymous
How is telling someone that it was a surprise is obnoxious? If OP is best pals with this woman, wouldn't it be ruder if the situation was reversed and OP and her husband were trying (in a way to soften the blow if/when she gets pregnant again) and didn't tell her that they were trying? I feel like being honest with a best friend should be OK. |
Anonymous
It doesn't sound like you have experienced infertility, so you wouldn't understand. It's obnoxious because people with infertility and/or loss who have gone through years of trying and IVF treatments don't need to hear how easy it is for other people - it's insensitive, especially if it's a best friend. Yes, we realize other people get pregnant, and we realize it is easy for lots of people or even accidental, but we can put 2 and 2 together and don't need to hear the details. You can tell them about the pregnancy and everyone will be happy, just don't tell them details of how easy it is for you to get pregnant. |
Anonymous
My best friend would be just as upset to think that I was hiding something from her if I just tell her that I'm pregnant one day - without letting her know that we're hoping it happens for me again and that we're in the process of trying. |
Anonymous
Nobody's saying to say the pregnancy isn't wanted, but to recognize the unfairness of the situation is validating. It's bullshit that it didn't work out for the friend, not that it did work out for OP. It's bullshit that it can happen by accident for her and can't happen even with years of treatment for her friend. And the pregnancy and joy DOES impact the friendship. This isn't a regular friend, it sounds like a best friend relationship that the friend has leaned on for emotional support and taken comfort in the same only family dynamics. I had friends that were very fertile, but still actually "got it" because no, infertility isn't unique and there are many types of loss and grief that people experience and learn from (losing a close sibling or an ill child like a PP said). If OP values that friendship and wants to continue to be an emotional support, then she can put aside her joy and acknowledge her friend's grief. If she can't do that, then yes, it's better she steps back and gives space. But that doesn't sound like what OP wants and it doesn't sound like OP's friend has been living in the infertility bubble with no outside support like many of us do. She knows the dynamics of her friendship better than any of us, but if OP wants to genuinely be there for her friend, she needs to acknowledge what the friend will be going through because of the pregnancy. And no, OP, you don't lose your relationships with your best friends when kids hit school age. If you're friends and they're friends, they can stay friends their entire lives. That's infinitely more valuable for an only child (also a child with a big age gap like yours will have!). You both still need each other, so figure out how to move forward together and yes, bear some of your friend's burden. She'll do the same for you sometime. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thank you - yes I am incredibly sensitive to how this will impact my friend, and I've seen firsthand the heartache that infertility can cause. I was by her side through it all, helping to administer shots, being there when her husband couldn't, and being support for her when it caused challenges in her marriage. I know how devastating infertility is even though it hasn't happened directly to me. I've also seen my friend break down with pregnancy announcements, walking by baby stores in the mall, and the like. That being said, I am trying to tread as carefully as I can with what I know will be delicate for her to process. She knows we weren't trying because as my best friend she would know if we were. The fact that I've held in in for 8 weeks has been awful, but we saw the heartbeat and I feel like it's time to tell her. Essentially was looking for any one from her side that could point me in the right direction with how to approach it. |
Anonymous
She will experience pain, that's inevitable. But she doesn't have to bear it alone and with time you can share the joy of a new "like sibling" for both of them. Excuse me if I'm projecting, but a lot of PPs are used to dealing with the isolation and grief of infertility alone. It sounds like she's had you and relies on you. I actually had multiple miscarriages after stopping treatment, so though I never ended up with a second, I was also the friend that had to break the news to the friends that stopped after unsuccessful treatment. I really doubt there's anyone else responding that's been on both sides of the situation, and has done so in the context of a close emotional relationship with kid friendships involved. Use your best judgment about how to talk to her, but don't ignore what this means for what she thought her child had. And what she thought she had in another "one and done" mom friend. She will appreciate it and hopefully your friendship can continue for another decade like mine have. |
Anonymous
+1!!! |