How to tell friend I'm pregnant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh jeez, this is an impossible situation. I'm your friend and there's no way this won't be devastating. She's using your sons' relationship as a proxy and reassurance to herself. I know because I do the same, and it really does give me a lot of comfort that my only child has a sister-like BFF. But you know, her BFF has a younger sibling and with time, I see it as a bonus. The BFF family treats my DC like one of their own when they're together (will buy matching outfits for all 3 girls, always picks up 3 special presents or treats from the store, etc.) and the younger sibling loves my DC like she has two big sisters. If you genuinely care and are up for it, remember this and try to treat your friend's son the way my friend treats my daughter. It will help heal the wound and really will make a difference.

That said, breaking the news and the next few months to years will be VERY hard. Tell her now, don't wait. If you miscarry (knock on wood), it's something you'd tell your best friend anyways, right? Send her a text (NOT IN PERSON EVEN FOR A BEST FRIEND) and say, "I wanted to let you know something and give you the space to react on your own. I'm pregnant and it's a total shock. It is SO unfair it worked out this way for me and not for you. It's total bullshit and I wish more than anything it was different for you. I love you so much and want to be there for you however is best for you. And I love Larlo and he is still and will always be like a brother to our family. Please don't respond right away and don't you dare say congrats if you would rather say "what the f**k! I love you and I'm here for you, whenever and however."

Don't be surprised if she doesn't respond or if she pulls away for a while. This is a true test of your friendship and she may just not have it in her to be present for your pregnancy. I had a few friends that got pregnant during or after we stopped treatment. Some I distanced from, some I still spent time with but avoided the topic of pregnancy despite the humungous pregnant-belly shaped elephant in the room. She'll probably cry for the unfairness of the situation and the potential loss for her son that she's envisioning. You can empathize with the unfairness and reassure her about the loss. Hugs and good luck. Please feel free to ask any and all questions now and in the upcoming months. I'm happy to help how I can.

Nobody needs to apologize for their pregnancy or call it bullsh*t, and no, it's not unfair. Whatever you do, do not do this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In writing please, not in person. That was she can process her feelings in private at her own pace.

I'd agree with this. But I'd also say, you can do it in person (in private!) if you are sensitive. Meaning: you don't expect a 100% positive reaction.

I was your friend before my first baby. I had one friend who I had placed on my "she's not trying yet" list and who I felt safe with drop a pregnancy announcement on me at a restaurant, in front of other friends. It felt like she'd dropped a bomb on me. I had to force the fakest smile ever, wait a few minutes, and then excuse myself to SOB in the bathroom for a few minutes and panic text my husband. Then I had to collect myself off the ground and go back out like nothing had happened. It's a day that can still bring me to tears with how shattered I was, and it's been 8 years.

I love this friend dearly, and I know she didn't mean to upset me. I just needed a little time and space to be sad for ME before I could turn my energy toward being happy for HER. It all has a happy ending, I was 20 weeks pregnant by the time that friend's baby shower came around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you that aren’t one and done due to secondary infertility really don’t get it. This is more about what the friend perceives her son is losing than the friend herself. Everyone’s gotten numb to hearing these pregnancy announcements. But the guilt and fear you feel over not giving your child a sibling is worse than the pain you go through yourself. The friend obviously took a great deal of comfort in her son having another only child friend he could grow up with, and now that’s gone too. That’s so impossibly painful because it’s your child you’re letting down once again and unique to failed secondary infertility.

Yes but OP is not under obligation to make this the focus of her pregnancy, either. She is allowed to be happy that she is having another baby. She does not need to send a long winded text about how upset she is about the whole situation and how much it sucks. Her baby needs to be more important to her than her friend's child.

Same thoughts for the poster who said her daughter and her friend's daughter are BFFs and the younger sibling is on the "outside circle". How insane to treat your new baby as this unwelcome addition because it upsets your friend.

You don’t get it. It’s not your lived experience and that’s fine. But we all take care of each other. I am sensitive to my friend that lost her mother, sensitive to the friend that had her husband walk out on her. It doesn’t change my life, but it changes the way I interact with someone in specific contexts. You can learn and grow from traumatic life changing events like infertility or death, or you can think selfishly about how a situation impacts you. I choose to practice empathy and surround myself with a community of friends that does to. It doesn’t take away from your life, it adds to it. If you don’t understand, that’s fine, but OP and her friends’ life is richer for living in a way that puts other people’s needs first sometimes.

I suffered through secondary infertility for 2 years (thankfully I did get pregnant again). And during that time both of my closest friends got pregnant with their second. I didn’t expect them to downplay their pregnancies or talk about how it was bull they they got pregnant when I couldn’t. That would have been patronizing and insincere. Any friend who can’t honestly celebrate her friends baby and instead wants to not discuss the pregnancy and focus on how their own child will still be the primary most important other child in their friends kids life is not a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. You never gave up on the dream. Big difference between the hope and faith in scribe treatment and acceptance of moving on without success. Like I said, you just don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly. You never gave up on the dream. Big difference between the hope and faith in scribe treatment and acceptance of moving on without success. Like I said, you just don’t get it.

Well I do get that OP doesn’t need to pretend she is upset about her pregnancy to appease her friend. You don’t seem to “get it”‘either. OPs pregnancy is a joyous occasion for her family- not something to apologize for and exclude the new baby etc etc in favor of her friends child. If you think some of those responses were reasonable, then you don’t get it.

Is that how you’d have treated your second if you’d had a second? Made them play second fiddle to your friends child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it would be much harder if your friend was experiencing primary infertility but she does have a child. My SIL had 2 babies in 2 years immediately after marrying my brother while I had been struggling for 5 years to have my first. That was hard in the beginning even though they were super considerate.
Take the other posters’ advice to break the news gently via text so she can react in her own way in private before you meet up again.

This is flat out wrong. Secondary infertility is different, but not easier. Knowing exactly what you’re missing makes the pain more tangible. Don’t play the pain olympics, we’re better than that.

I dealt with secondary infertility for 3 years. It’s way easier than primary. At least you’re a mother already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you that aren’t one and done due to secondary infertility really don’t get it. This is more about what the friend perceives her son is losing than the friend herself. Everyone’s gotten numb to hearing these pregnancy announcements. But the guilt and fear you feel over not giving your child a sibling is worse than the pain you go through yourself. The friend obviously took a great deal of comfort in her son having another only child friend he could grow up with, and now that’s gone too. That’s so impossibly painful because it’s your child you’re letting down once again and unique to failed secondary infertility.

Yes but OP is not under obligation to make this the focus of her pregnancy, either. She is allowed to be happy that she is having another baby. She does not need to send a long winded text about how upset she is about the whole situation and how much it sucks. Her baby needs to be more important to her than her friend's child.

Same thoughts for the poster who said her daughter and her friend's daughter are BFFs and the younger sibling is on the "outside circle". How insane to treat your new baby as this unwelcome addition because it upsets your friend.

Do you have reading comprehension deficiencies? She said outside circle of THAT FRIENDSHIP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it would be much harder if your friend was experiencing primary infertility but she does have a child. My SIL had 2 babies in 2 years immediately after marrying my brother while I had been struggling for 5 years to have my first. That was hard in the beginning even though they were super considerate.
Take the other posters’ advice to break the news gently via text so she can react in her own way in private before you meet up again.

This is flat out wrong. Secondary infertility is different, but not easier. Knowing exactly what you’re missing makes the pain more tangible. Don’t play the pain olympics, we’re better than that.

I dealt with secondary infertility for 3 years. It’s way easier than primary. At least you’re a mother already.

NP. They both are pretty terrible. I spent about 7+ years in each with many failed ivf cycles in each. Honestly, they are different and both bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you that aren’t one and done due to secondary infertility really don’t get it. This is more about what the friend perceives her son is losing than the friend herself. Everyone’s gotten numb to hearing these pregnancy announcements. But the guilt and fear you feel over not giving your child a sibling is worse than the pain you go through yourself. The friend obviously took a great deal of comfort in her son having another only child friend he could grow up with, and now that’s gone too. That’s so impossibly painful because it’s your child you’re letting down once again and unique to failed secondary infertility.

Yes but OP is not under obligation to make this the focus of her pregnancy, either. She is allowed to be happy that she is having another baby. She does not need to send a long winded text about how upset she is about the whole situation and how much it sucks. Her baby needs to be more important to her than her friend's child.

Same thoughts for the poster who said her daughter and her friend's daughter are BFFs and the younger sibling is on the "outside circle". How insane to treat your new baby as this unwelcome addition because it upsets your friend.

Do you have reading comprehension deficiencies? She said outside circle of THAT FRIENDSHIP.

So... excluded. The moms and the kids get together, and the youngest is excluded. Outside the circle. Because apparently it's better to make your own young child feel sad, than to make an adult woman feel sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say: I'm pregnant!

It's not like you have achieved something of any significance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those of you that aren’t one and done due to secondary infertility really don’t get it. This is more about what the friend perceives her son is losing than the friend herself. Everyone’s gotten numb to hearing these pregnancy announcements. But the guilt and fear you feel over not giving your child a sibling is worse than the pain you go through yourself. The friend obviously took a great deal of comfort in her son having another only child friend he could grow up with, and now that’s gone too. That’s so impossibly painful because it’s your child you’re letting down once again and unique to failed secondary infertility.

Yes but OP is not under obligation to make this the focus of her pregnancy, either. She is allowed to be happy that she is having another baby. She does not need to send a long winded text about how upset she is about the whole situation and how much it sucks. Her baby needs to be more important to her than her friend's child.

Same thoughts for the poster who said her daughter and her friend's daughter are BFFs and the younger sibling is on the "outside circle". How insane to treat your new baby as this unwelcome addition because it upsets your friend.

Do you have reading comprehension deficiencies? She said outside circle of THAT FRIENDSHIP.

So... excluded. The moms and the kids get together, and the youngest is excluded. Outside the circle. Because apparently it's better to make your own young child feel sad, than to make an adult woman feel sad.

What in the world. Nobody is saying that. Are you intentionally misinterpreting to be argumentative or just having reading comprehension issues?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say: I'm pregnant!

It's not like you have achieved something of any significance.

You’re in the infertility forum, please take that elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

OP things change. This will be hard for your friend but saying you are sorry it was an accident etc etc isn’t really appropriate.
To celebrate your pregnancy you need to find another friend. With this friend it will be painful for awhile. You have to let her have space to process this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don’t get why this is such a big deal. It’s not like there some fixed number of babies and you took her baby. Yes it sucks for her but how is that not just jealousy? Why are we tiptoeing around this?

I mean sure respect her feelings (which we don’t know what they are actually), don’t be all about your pregnancy but calling your own pregnancy bullshit etc is just unproductive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I don’t get why this is such a big deal. It’s not like there some fixed number of babies and you took her baby. Yes it sucks for her but how is that not just jealousy? Why are we tiptoeing around this?

I mean sure respect her feelings (which we don’t know what they are actually), don’t be all about your pregnancy but calling your own pregnancy bullshit etc is just unproductive.

I agree with this