Mean "big" kids at the community pool

[Anonymous]

At the pool yesterday, an older boy took some of my daughter's pool toys. My daughter is 6, but tall for her age. When DD asked for the toy back, the older boy gleefully held it out of her reach and refused to give it to her. DD started crying and yelling at him, but he still wouldn't give it back.

My DH said we shouldn't intervene, but I was disgusted that this boy, probably 10 years old and much larger than DD, was taking things and taunting my daughter. His mother did not intervene at all, nor did the lifeguard. I wanted to have a few words with the little twit, but DH wanted DD to handle it.

What would you have done? How would you tell your DD to handle this?

[Anonymous]

I want my kids to stand up for themselves, but I do think in that situation I would walk up and say “cut it out—give back the toy” in a firm voice. Kids think they can get away with stuff if nobody is watching. Then at home talk about how she can do it next time. Practice it with her. Sometimes kids need adult help to avoid bullies, that’s ok. Especially at age 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
At the pool yesterday, an older boy took some of my daughter's pool toys. My daughter is 6, but tall for her age. When DD asked for the toy back, the older boy gleefully held it out of her reach and refused to give it to her. DD started crying and yelling at him, but he still wouldn't give it back.

My DH said we shouldn't intervene, but I was disgusted that this boy, probably 10 years old and much larger than DD, was taking things and taunting my daughter. His mother did not intervene at all, nor did the lifeguard. I wanted to have a few words with the little twit, but DH wanted DD to handle it.

What would you have done? How would you tell your DD to handle this?

Lifeguard isn't going to intervene. They are there to prevent injury or drowning, not regulate toys.

[Anonymous]

My kids need to try to handle it. When they are unsuccessful, we get involved. Your husband was wrong. We'd both have gotten involved immediately after our kid tried and failed to get her stuff back.

[Anonymous]

Did he take the thing she was playing with, or one of multiple toys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he take the thing she was playing with, or one of multiple toys?

She was throwing a couple of toys and then diving to get them. He got them first and wouldn't give them back. She had three toys, he took two.

[Anonymous]

The lifeguard won’t do anything. It’s not their job. I would have tried to let them handle it on their own and once I saw that it was getting out of hand I would step in.

[Anonymous]

If it’s a big age gap, I step in after I have seen my child try to handle it themselves. If it’s a small one, I coach them through it.

Fwiw, my kids are 3, 5, and 7. Even big kids can be shamed into giving it back, especially if the parent is watching.

Any chance the older kid thought it was game and they didn’t understand why your child was upset? Sometimes my older child thinks keep-away is fun and doesn’t understand why my youngest starts crying. It’s annoying, but not mean-spirited - older DC feel like youngest is being a bad sport when they start crying and then gets angry.

[Anonymous]

Of course you intervene. A 10 yo being an a$$ to a 6 yo? I’d have stepped in if I saw it, even if I didn’t know the kids. What is wrong with your dh?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your daughter did everything in her power to stand up for herself, that this was a clear cut case (ie, who was at fault was clear), the behavior had real effects (she couldn’t play with her toys - this wasn’t just teasing she could ignore) AND he was older and bigger than she is. With that set of circumstances, I would for sure intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he take the thing she was playing with, or one of multiple toys?

She was throwing a couple of toys and then diving to get them. He got them first and wouldn't give them back. She had three toys, he took two.

In that case, ideally she would have either invited him to throw it again so they could play together, or told him "Sorry, I want to play alone, can I have it back." That's what I would have coached in the moment. If she did one of those things, and he didn't listen, then I would have stepped in.

I'm not sure if I'd have stepped in in the situation you describe, it's hard to picture the body language, and how she was trying. If I didn't, I'd have have coached her later.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you intervene on this one. A simple "these belong to us, you need to give them back to us now," would work.

[Anonymous]

So dramatic. It wasn't "kids" it was one kid. If your daughter isn't successful getting the toys back then you just ask the boy for them. Almost all of the time he will hand them over. Does your daughter have no siblings? If she did you wouldn't be so "disgusted". Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So dramatic. It wasn't "kids" it was one kid. If your daughter isn't successful getting the toys back then you just ask the boy for them. Almost all of the time he will hand them over. Does your daughter have no siblings? If she did you wouldn't be so "disgusted". Get over it.

She’s asking for advice, GTFOY.

[Anonymous]

At that age, your daughter owns the toys, not the pool, I would have walked up and demanded them back. We have some bullies at our pool who demand the kids swimming laps leave the lap lane so they can hang out. We taught ours to say no.