How do you make peace with having a spouse who is not bad enough to leave?

[Anonymous]

If my husband could play video games a day and ignore our kids, he definitely would. Especially if he could get me to watch him play video games. Instead, he does work full-time (as do I) and do a few tasks related to child care and the house, and he is happy to spend time with me watching Netflix. I do the bulk of house and parenting stuff. But he's just also become limited in other ways. He's not that interested in leaving the house. He barely has friends. He won't exercise. He's very negative about everything. He sees the kids as a hassle. He doesn't make good choices about sleep, and this leaves him tired and cranky in the mornings.

It's all just incredibly unattractive. If I want something cleaned or fixed or done, I have to do it, and if I want to do something more exciting than a walk, I have to find someone else to do it with.

There are likely mental health issues involved, but since he doesn't believe that and won't get help, knowing that doesn't do much. I have tried so much on that front.

I'm not willing to keep arguing with him about this stuff. We did couple's therapy once because otherwise I was going to leave, but it was excruciating emotionally and I don't want to do it again. It helped at the time but here we are again. (Although it was worse last time. He was being verbally abusive and generally hateful to me about all kinds of things then. He stopped that.)

My life is otherwise pretty great and I'm trying to just be grateful for that and work around my husband. How do I make peace with that? Every time I clean and he doesn't notice, or he says something indicating that he sees child care as my responsibility (and not just my responsibility, but something taking me away from being able to serve or entertain him), I just hate him a little, and I just want to feel indifferent.

[Anonymous]

Why is this not bad enough to leave? It sounds pretty soul sucking and unlikely to get better over time.

[Anonymous]

What’s the case for staying?

[Anonymous]

OP. It's hard for me to answer why I stay. It feels not bad enough to blow up our lives over. I keep hoping it'll get better, and it has gotten easier with the kids getting a bit older. But also, I was abused as a kid and I am great at persuading myself that things really aren't that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's hard for me to answer why I stay. It feels not bad enough to blow up our lives over. I keep hoping it'll get better, and it has gotten easier with the kids getting a bit older. But also, I was abused as a kid and I am great at persuading myself that things really aren't that bad.

Sorry for your past abuse; it can really affect our whole lives in the most insidious ways and we have to be intentional about recognizing and breaking patterns. Sounds like you're on your way. Perhaps seek individual therapy to work through this situation so you begin to recognize you deserve better, even if it's being single and happier.

[Anonymous]

I divorced this guy and I regret nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It's hard for me to answer why I stay. It feels not bad enough to blow up our lives over. I keep hoping it'll get better, and it has gotten easier with the kids getting a bit older. But also, I was abused as a kid and I am great at persuading myself that things really aren't that bad.

You get one shot at this life. For the life of me, I could not imagine writing your post and not taking steps to end it. This isn’t a dress rehearsal. Why don’t you think you and your kids deserve better? That’s the real question. Go back to therapy and figure that one out.

[Anonymous]

I’d outsource some things, like cleaning. The kid stuff gets better as they get older.

As far as your marriage, your husband sounds depressed but he also sounds like you like each other and that he’s nice to you. I honestly don’t see a lot f marriages that are better than that.

If it were me, I’d figure out what it is that you want, what you’re not getting, whether it means enough to leave over it. If not, then you have to stop ruminating.

FWIW, I’m married for 30 years and the years where the kids were young weren’t the most satisfying years. We had great years before and are in a great period now, but the little kid years are tough.

[Anonymous]

In our case, I’d have to pay support to DH because I make so much more money than him and I don’t want to do that.

Our kids would be alone with him which will mean unlimited McDonald’s and tv and I’m not ok with that.

I’m fat and now in my late 30s with 2 kids, highly doubt I’d find anyone nice to date me.

I love our house very much and would likely lose it if we divorced.

DH isn’t mean to me ever, just very limited and disengaged.

DH does do 1-2 things around the house and if we divorced I’d have to handle those things on my own.

I came from a divorce family and it really was awful and I don’t want that for my kids.

I find im less resentful when I just plan my days and weekends totally independent of him and don’t expect anything from him and then if he decides to participate it’s a nice bonus but I’m not disappointed if he doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

If you’ve tried clearly communicating with him and he doesn’t see a need to change or seek help, then you need to decide whether this is the life you want.

When you’re at the end of your life, will you look back and remember your life with your depressed husband and be satisfied? Or do you think you could forge a better and happier path for you and your kids on your own?

It sounds like this is a good time to talk to a therapist about your life goals and what you may need to do to achieve them.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have your own individual therapist? Finding a good therapist has helped me a lot while experiencing marital issues, and I do not even have childhood traumas the way you do.

Therapy, if you do it right, IS hard and emotionally exhausting, but if you out yourself out there and find a good therapist match it can be really beneficial. At the very least it can help you put a finer point on what you want and don’t want, and try to work out whether you should stay or go. It won’t be easy but in my experience, the feeling of staying or leaving will be on your mind every day and will eat you up mentally and emotionally.

[Anonymous]

OP. Individual therapy is a good idea. Last time I talked to a therapist about this individually he wanted to make it about 'how I could communicate better with my husband.' And that was just so unhelpful. But I could try someone else.

There are a lot of things I'm happy about in my life. It feels easier to live with a husband who at least takes the trash out, can be left with the kids, and gets me coffee. I don't know if that's a good way of looking at it. We do have a nice time together. I think if I did talk this through, it could either help me end it or help me accept it. I'm just so tired of arguing about it. I can't keep doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Individual therapy is a good idea. Last time I talked to a therapist about this individually he wanted to make it about 'how I could communicate better with my husband.' And that was just so unhelpful. But I could try someone else.

There are a lot of things I'm happy about in my life. It feels easier to live with a husband who at least takes the trash out, can be left with the kids, and gets me coffee. I don't know if that's a good way of looking at it. We do have a nice time together. I think if I did talk this through, it could either help me end it or help me accept it. I'm just so tired of arguing about it. I can't keep doing that.

PP here, I definitely understand. I won’t say I have it all figured out but therapy has helped me talk through things that I do struggle with. It’s not linear and you have to prepare yourself for that. My first therapist was very new age-y and All “self love” and while that was helpful in a moment of crisis I realized after about 5 sessions I needed something different. I now have a therapist who is an excellent fit. It takes some trial and error.

Staying for the reasons you listed is fine, but you might find those reasons aren’t actually enough for you. But for now I would say don’t think about your marriage so much as thinking about yourself — start there.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if there’s such a thing as a spouse who isn’t bad enough to leave. It’s a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs. Sounds like it’s not really serving the kids well either, but if you aren’t fighting or burying yourself in drugs or sex with other people to cope, you could stick it out until the youngest is 18.

[Anonymous]

After your latest post, OP, I can see what you mean by “not bad enough”. It also seems as you do enjoy the time you spend together since it’s “a nice bonus” when he joins your plans.
I would not divorce in your situation either... I have never seen a perfect marriage where both people are in love and completely fulfilled. No relationship is perfect and no husband (or wife) is ever perfect.

My husband also makes me feel that the kids are a burden on weekends and it upsets me and we fight about it... he then usually feels bad and becomes a grey dad for a few hours.
My kids love their dad and he is fun and spends time with them. My kids’ lives would be much much worse if DH and I divorced... no questions about it and it seems your kids’ lives would be worse too.
Can you try to do things with your husband that he likes? Maybe that will help you reconnect...