How do you make peace with having a spouse who is not bad enough to leave?

[Anonymous]

I cannot imagine staying in this situation, but if that is what you really want to do, you need a good therapist to help you talk through it.

My aunt has done this — her marriage has been miserable for decades, but there is no way she would leave. A good therapist seems to have helped her make peace. She basically lives her life almost as if her husband doesn’t exist. There kids are grown — they even have a grandkid and just sort of barely coexist. She definitely does all the cooking and cleaning so they must interact at some level. But she has a medical issue and cannot drive long distances. When she has an appointment with her specialist three hours away, she gets a friend to drive her. She goes to family stuff for her extended family without him. Like, it wouldn’t even occur to me to invite him. He does do some stuff with her when it is his family or some friends they have had for decades. But he mostly seems to sit around the house (likely depressed) and high on pot or pills. I think she even found gay porn and she still won’t leave.

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of where you are, OP. I'm on the fence because I'm trying to figure out what's best for my kids. Financially it will be a blow. Not out-on-the-street blow, but harder to pay for college, etc.

I assess daily what's best for my kids. If it were just me, I would have left long ago.

[Anonymous]

Omg, this is SO worth divorcing over. Talk to a lawyer, try to be amicable, use a mediator if possible. If he is disinterested in the kids, ask for primary custody and get majority of the parenting time. His mental health, apathy, game addiction, or laziness are not your issues to fix.

You will do SO much better living, parenting, and balancing life on your own. Set him free to be a lazy slug. Go on with your life!

[Anonymous]

If you do stay OP in what is quite likely a passionless low sex marriage, it does mean accepting that he will go elsewhere for sex. Doubt that bothers you but some women incredibly still expect his “fidelity” (meaning celibacy) even in their platonic room mate marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do stay OP in what is quite likely a passionless low sex marriage, it does mean accepting that he will go elsewhere for sex. Doubt that bothers you but some women incredibly still expect his “fidelity” (meaning celibacy) even in their platonic room mate marriage.

OP. That's not accurate. We have regular sex, and I wonder if that makes him think things are better than they are.

[Anonymous]

I was in this exact marriage- it gets worse. Your DH May start verbally/emotionally picking at your kids. They will suffer. I stayed until DC was in high school- big mistake. I should have been a better role model and divorced sooner.
I ended up paying Ex-DH 100k just to leave and another 100k in attorneys fees.
Leave now

[Anonymous]

Sure. You do it by realizing that short of duress or coercion: no one is responsible for your happiness. Having a groovy marriage is one way to contentment. It’d be wonderful. But it’s not reality for many of us.
Take your hobbies you care about. Meet friends. Exercise: a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP. I'm trying individual therapy again to talk specifically about this. There are a lot of other things in my life I'm happy about. The kids are great. I have a good support system. I exercise a lot and enjoy it so much. I like my job. Even my in-laws are terrific. I think it'll help to talk through this and figure out if that's enough. It's helpful to hear the range of replies from 'this is normal' to 'this is horrible', because that's how I feel, too, at different times.

[Anonymous]

Untreated mental disorders get worse. And are a valid reason to leave and save your sanity. Don’t look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I'm trying individual therapy again to talk specifically about this. There are a lot of other things in my life I'm happy about. The kids are great. I have a good support system. I exercise a lot and enjoy it so much. I like my job. Even my in-laws are terrific. I think it'll help to talk through this and figure out if that's enough. It's helpful to hear the range of replies from 'this is normal' to 'this is horrible', because that's how I feel, too, at different times.

Don’t divorce OP. You have a great life. No one is perfect. Divorce is a logistical nightmare and the things you listed that you appreciate like taking out the trash and bringing you coffee all add up and matter when they are gone. Stick with it. You won’t have kids around forever.

[Anonymous]

Your husband has a hobby; you don’t. Get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

OP I am also sorry for any abuse you suffered as a child.
That is just sad 😢……

Like another poster stated > we all only get one shot at life.
Uh-huh that’s it.
Just one.

Do you want to be on your deathbed regretting the yrs when you needed more out of your marriage?
Will you carry around guilt knowing that your children were negatively impacted by your so-so marriage??

Just some food for thought.