Baby fever when you can't and/or don't think it's a good idea to have another

[Anonymous]

Posting this here because it's not really an infertility issue -- I'm more looking for advice from anyone who has struggled with the decision of whether to try for another baby, decided against it, and still struggled with baby fever. I think I'll get a broader range of responses here and I don't want to just hear from people who are on a fertility journey because I really believe our fertility journey is over and its' time to move. I'm just struggling with that transition.

I love our family as it is, I love our only child, and there are many really good reasons why it's time to stop. Age and money are the biggest ones, as well as some specific concerns about my health during pregnancy and going through PPD again. We talk about and plan for our lives as a family of 3 and I'm excited about it. I love each new stage that we experience with our daughter while also looking forward to the next. I feel so lucky to have this child at all. When I think about it critically, this feels like the right choice for all of us.

But I am struggling with letting go. I keep putting off some major decisions as though we are still on the fence about having another baby, even though we've discussed it and decided not to try again. I still think about being pregnant again. I still can't bring myself to give away our baby gear, and on some level I have not fully committed to being done having babies. And I'm doing all this knowing that even if we decided for sure we wanted another baby, our odds of conception would be incredibly slim. But the what ifs still plague me.

For anyone who has been in this situation and finally let go and embraced your family as is, how did it happen? Any words of wisdom for me?

[Anonymous]

I struggled with this. We have an only and the idea of a 2nd was out there for many years. DH and I finally settled at the point that both of us were willing to have another but neither of us really wanted another. It seemed like if neither person was willing to advocate for another baby we shouldn't have one. I think overall it was a slow transition to fully close that door. I would openly say we were one and done but was also unwilling to get rid of baby stuff. I think its okay to admit you like babies even though your not planning on having another. Its also okay to hold onto the stuff till your ready. For me when my DD was 5 my best friend was pregnant with her first and it just felt like the right time to gift the crib, stroller and all kinds of other stuff. It felt good to give it all to her for her baby. Now DD is 9 and I never have any thoughts about having another and I fully embrace our smaller simpler family life. Most importantly I think its okay to admit you have some conflicting feelings but that doesn't mean you are changing your mind. Its a big complicated decision and its okay to let time smooth it out.

[Anonymous]

Oh yes. I kept repeating to myself: I have two kids, one of whom has special needs, we can't move from our tiny house right now, there's no room, we don't have enough money, and, most important of all, I've had life-threatening health complications after both prior pregnancies/labors so a third is not for me.

But, yes, it was hard for a while. Now I'm 41 and baby fever is abating. But I still get my hopes up whenever my period is late...

I love babies!!!

[Anonymous]

Not me, but a friend who was in a similar boat - she and her husband agreed not to have any more kids, but she had some baby fever she couldn't shake.

What really helped her was something her husband said (I'm paraphrasing, obviously):

"Okay, so if we were to have another baby, then you would just be kicking the baby fever down the road a few years. At some point, we're going to stop. After one, after two, after three. And whenever we do, you're going to have to deal with some irrational, biological, baby fever. It's unavoidable. So let's do that now, and deal with it, on the family size that's right for us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not me, but a friend who was in a similar boat - she and her husband agreed not to have any more kids, but she had some baby fever she couldn't shake.

What really helped her was something her husband said (I'm paraphrasing, obviously):

"Okay, so if we were to have another baby, then you would just be kicking the baby fever down the road a few years. At some point, we're going to stop. After one, after two, after three. And whenever we do, you're going to have to deal with some irrational, biological, baby fever. It's unavoidable. So let's do that now, and deal with it, on the family size that's right for us."

Wow, that is amazing perspective, thank you (OP here).

And thank to the previous posters as well. This is exactly what I need to hear right now. I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

[Anonymous]

We planned to have 3 kids when we were first married but at 2, it was a really lot for me. I hated my job and needed to step back from planning for another one. My husband was thrilled as 2 was a lot for him as well.

I was fine with it for a couple of years but then began to want another child. It took some time before I was in a stable (new) job and we could afford it and my husband was willing but not enthusiastic. We gave it a couple of months and then I pulled back on it as I wanted to get a different job and couldn't do that when pregnant.

A couple of years later, I was again in a good job and wanted to talk about another child but my husband wasn't interested. I tried to get over it but I just couldn't so we talked again and again and never really could get a firm decision until I asked him about adopting at some point. He felt like if I wanted another kid that he knew he would love enough to go through the rigamarole of adoption, then he wasnt going to be the thing that stopped us from having another kid. So we started trying in February 2020, LOL.

I wasn't pregnant yet when the world shut down the next month so we held off until my next birthday (late 30s/kissing 40 now) and decided to give it 4 months and then move on.

I am now 4 months pregnant and my older kids will be 6 and 8 when this one is born and all 4 of us are really excited. I have way better maternity leave then I had when I had my older two, our salaries are much higher, and I am in a much lower stress job.

Over the years, I gave away a lot of baby stuff, especially the big stuff like swings and glider, and are now getting neighborhood hand me downs on those things.

I tried to let go and though nothing was missing, it wasn't' what I wanted when I thought of our ideal family. We would be fine without this baby but we'll be fine with it as well.

In 7 months when I have an 8 week old that won't sleep, I'll be less fine but overall, we're pleased.

[Anonymous]

I'm there now. No advice, I just know how you feel. Ever since I had terrible MS with my second, I said I was NEVER doing this again. I've given away all the baby stuff. She's now 20 months and I'm 35. I already know my fertility labs are not great. I kind of feel like it's now or never and boy do I want another one. The happiest times of my life were both of my pregnancies (after 1st trimester). But then I recall how much it sucked to be at home puking with my first wondering what was going on and I just wanted to be left alone, and then 3 kids is just so much more expensive than 2, we'd have to get a new car, new house etc. I'm thinking of sending my kids to private school and there's no way we could do it with 3 kids but could probably squeeze by with 2. But boy do I want another one.

[Anonymous]

The perspective of “some baby has to be the last baby” really helped me realize I was struggling to let go of a stage more than really wanting another baby.

It helps as the kids get older because the idea of starting over becomes even less palatable, and you can enjoy big kid thing without having to worry about a baby/naps/etc.

[Anonymous]

It helps as the kid(s) you have get older and you move farther from the baby stage. Then you start enjoying the advantages of having an older kid, and the idea of being in the baby stage gets less and less appealling.

For me, it was more the mourning of a stage of life (the newness and the youth implied by being the mom of a baby/toddler) than it was the wish for another child.

[Anonymous]

I mean ... that's how we wound up with four. Seriously though, while I was pregnant with the fourth, I flat out said, "You can't let us have any more kids. Four is already going to push our limits - no matter what I say, this one MUSt be the last."

He got a vasectomy.

The feeling will pass. Just let it be there, and know it'll pass eventually.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way on my period sometimes haha. I find that usually a rough day of toddler watching takes care of it.

[Anonymous]

It's biological. Just like gorging on an entire cheesecake every day or shagging your pool boy, your body might think it's a good idea, but you need to override.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not me, but a friend who was in a similar boat - she and her husband agreed not to have any more kids, but she had some baby fever she couldn't shake.

What really helped her was something her husband said (I'm paraphrasing, obviously):

"Okay, so if we were to have another baby, then you would just be kicking the baby fever down the road a few years. At some point, we're going to stop. After one, after two, after three. And whenever we do, you're going to have to deal with some irrational, biological, baby fever. It's unavoidable. So let's do that now, and deal with it, on the family size that's right for us."

NP I don't know that having another baby does kick the can down the road. When I had my 3rd baby I was DONE. And I adore babies and think my newborn periods were some of the happiest in my life. We had enough money and space in our home for a 4th baby, but we just felt so complete and done. We liked so many things about sticking to 3 babies- fitting in a normal 5 seater car, being able to travel easier, having a "big family" but not too big (dh and I have one sibling each and teensy holidays, no cousins for our kids), etc. When I had my 2nd baby, I remember gazing at his sweet newborn face and knowing he wouldn't be my last baby. I just wasn't done. I felt differently with my 3rd. It also was a harder pregnancy because I was older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It helps as the kid(s) you have get older and you move farther from the baby stage. Then you start enjoying the advantages of having an older kid, and the idea of being in the baby stage gets less and less appealling.

For me, it was more the mourning of a stage of life (the newness and the youth implied by being the mom of a baby/toddler) than it was the wish for another child.

This is exactly it for me. I always wanted a ton of kids, DH said 2 or 3. We have 3 and I would still love to have more. But I also understand why he is ready to be done and all the logical reasons it doesn’t make sense to have more. While I would try for another in a heartbeat if DH changed his mind, it has been easier and easier for me as the kids get older. Youngest is almost 4 and day to day life is much easier than even a year ago. I spent an afternoon with a friend and her 1 year old and I did not miss having to bring a stroller and diapers and extra clothes and getting a high chair and cutting up food and the huge mess they make when eating and having to walk them around when they fuss and the food just sits there getting cold.

I just finally got rid of all the baby and toddler stuff, I figure if we ever did end up with another baby, I’d buy it again. Having a high chair and all the other stuff sitting in the basement didn’t make sense and after a couple years, it just didn’t hurt as much to let it go. I tried to give it away immediately when we were done and almost broke down crying and realized I needed more time. I still get really sad about the idea of never being pregnant again, never feeling baby kicks and all that. And for so many years, I was the frazzled young SAHM with the toddler and the baby...it’s like I’m entering a whole new phase of life and I don’t know exactly what is in store. But now it’s more like how I look back on my younger single days - getting ready with friends, partying until all hours of the night and flirting with lots of boys. Every once in a while I miss it a little, but I would never actually want to go back to that. I only think about the fun stuff, not all the bad decisions I made or the heartache. Same for me with babies - I tend to think about how great it was to be pregnant and how I LOVE snuggly newborns. I don’t remember how I threw up daily for 20 weeks or didn’t sleep for a year or all the painful breastfeeding and pumping etc.

I have friends who totally new they were done and had no problem getting rid of things and I really envy them. I am just a much more sentimental person and it has taken time. I’m still not ready for DH to get a vasectomy, but I am getting there...

[Anonymous]

I have an only and then wanted a child of the opposite sex. I knew I always wanted only one. My emotions about it ebbed and flowed. The window of opportunity of conceiving is all but closed. I am happy with one. My child has an amazing life, we love our close knit bond with each other and I can't envision anyone else in our little tribe. Trust that life has a way of working itself out.