Baby fever when you can't and/or don't think it's a good idea to have another

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's biological. Just like gorging on an entire cheesecake every day or shagging your pool boy, your body might think it's a good idea, but you need to override.

Lmao, so true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's biological. Just like gorging on an entire cheesecake every day or shagging your pool boy, your body might think it's a good idea, but you need to override.

Lmao, so true!

I do understand OP. I also have one child. Like the idea of more, but not the reality of more for many of the reasons you list. I wish I were someone who could just easily pop into the “I want another camp” and not have to worry about, particularly, PPD. When people talk about how much they loved the baby stage, love babies, etc. I do. Not. Understand. I truly can’t fathom. It was the saddest time in my life.

What works for me is to track my feelings of wanting another from one month to the next. Over the last couple of years I have discovered that I mostly want another kid when I’m ovulating. Then it goes away for a while. It is truly biological. You may be able to talk to yourself about it more sternly if you know it isn’t some deep psychological want but a hormonal peak?

[Anonymous]

I understand too. I am totally happy with my 3 and practically speaking we should be done, but I can’t completely shut the door. I always imagined myself with 4, and my husband is totally on board, which makes it harder not to go for that 4th. Of course I’m almost 38 so getting too old, and my youngest daughter is close to 4, so we are really getting to a stage where we can travel and do other things much easier. Despite all the reasons we shouldn’t go for a fourth, I still can’t totally let go of the idea.

[Anonymous]

It’s funny how everyone has their own threshold for this decision, especially around age. I see PPs who think they are getting too old at 37 or 38. That’s when I had my first! And only. But I’m 41 now although this is way past when I thought I might have another and yet, I’m considering it. I’m still younger than other women in my family when they w had kids. It does change the equation though. I sometimes wish I could have had a baby sooner but it wasn’t an option.

Part of me thinks my recent baby fever is just the pandemic. Like I have this idea that when we finally return to some kind of normal, it will disappear. I think I’m craving a new start, and there’s nothing quite so new as a new baby.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, OP. It sounds to me like you discussed it but you're not happy with the outcome of the discussion.

After I had my first, I knew I really wanted a second, DH was on the fence.

Now we have two, and we are both definitely done, and that feeling of wanting another is gone.

Even if you have made the decision not to have another, it's ok to admit to yourself that you wish you could have another; it's ok to mourn that it just didn't work out the way you had, or part of you had hoped. Just be honest with yourself about your feelings and work from there. Of course, it's also helpful to look on the bright side and all the ways your only child will benefit from the extra resources and time you will devote to her.

[Anonymous]

I always thought we would try for another after my second, and when he was 5 we went for it despite our older ages. I could reason my way out of wanting to try for another. DH and I agreed that it would be our last try. The pregnancy had major anomalies and I had to terminate at 17 weeks. Because I knew how biological the desire was, I got my tubes tied while I was under anesthesia. That was literally the only thing I could do because I knew after that loss (even though we agreed to stop for good) that my body would still want to try again even though we had agreed.

Looking back I’m glad we tried but dang that was so painful. There are no guarantees. The whole experience made me realize that my family is truly complete.

My advice is it is hard to fight nature. And be patient with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's biological. Just like gorging on an entire cheesecake every day or shagging your pool boy, your body might think it's a good idea, but you need to override.

Lmao, so true!

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not me, but a friend who was in a similar boat - she and her husband agreed not to have any more kids, but she had some baby fever she couldn't shake.

What really helped her was something her husband said (I'm paraphrasing, obviously):

"Okay, so if we were to have another baby, then you would just be kicking the baby fever down the road a few years. At some point, we're going to stop. After one, after two, after three. And whenever we do, you're going to have to deal with some irrational, biological, baby fever. It's unavoidable. So let's do that now, and deal with it, on the family size that's right for us."

NP I don't know that having another baby does kick the can down the road. When I had my 3rd baby I was DONE. And I adore babies and think my newborn periods were some of the happiest in my life. We had enough money and space in our home for a 4th baby, but we just felt so complete and done. We liked so many things about sticking to 3 babies- fitting in a normal 5 seater car, being able to travel easier, having a "big family" but not too big (dh and I have one sibling each and teensy holidays, no cousins for our kids), etc. When I had my 2nd baby, I remember gazing at his sweet newborn face and knowing he wouldn't be my last baby. I just wasn't done. I felt differently with my 3rd. It also was a harder pregnancy because I was older.

I'm so glad for this PP that her third made her family feel complete. But my third just made me want a fourth. That probably isn't happening for any number of reasons, but there are some people who "just know" their family is complete and others who just love babies or the idea of a big family. What I've been doing is just kicking the can down the road a few months at a time by not closing the door but not going for it. I'm 37, so have some time, though not tons, but I am hoping that at some point, DC3 is old enough that I appreciate being past the baby stage. Or I'll just have a kid at 39.

[Anonymous]

I had a second haha that’s how! And now it feels complete like I don’t have the baby fever so maybe this is a sign for you that you don’t want just one. It depends on how long the feeling is there and if it grows or you just forget about it.

[Anonymous]

I had always wanted at least three kids, but I had serious complications with our second and we were advised not to have any more children due to potential risks to my life and a baby. There was no question at that point that we needed to be done, but I still felt a huge urge for that third baby and grieved the lost chance to have another. It truly was a grieving process, and there wasn’t anything I could do to bury it or hurry it along, I needed to just let it play out. It took about three years before I stopped feeling gutted whenever I heard a pregnancy announcement.

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds like you're not sure. And you should tell your husband that and talk it through. There is no totally right or wrong answer. We had a similar crossroads at 2 and I just felt in my bones that we weren't done. But I told my husband I'd be ok if we did decide to be done. We ended up having the third and she is absolutely wonderful but I have not had more than a passing yearning for a newborn since. I am done done done, zero hesitation or waffling or uncertainty.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with this a couple of years after I got my tubes tied. My mom told me that she still has dreams that she is pregnant sometimes, and she wakes up so happy until she realizes that she is in her 60’s, and it can’t possibly be true.
I have just learned to realize that this will probably always be some small part of my life, and it’s easier to learn to live with it rather than push it away. Let the ball float along the surface of the water rather than trying to push it under. I let myself cry when I got rid of my baby stuff. It’s sad. I am a little disappointed when I get my period every month. I own it and let it float on next to me for a minute before it floats away.

[Anonymous]

Solidarity, OP. I wish I had advice but I am right along there with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not me, but a friend who was in a similar boat - she and her husband agreed not to have any more kids, but she had some baby fever she couldn't shake.

What really helped her was something her husband said (I'm paraphrasing, obviously):

"Okay, so if we were to have another baby, then you would just be kicking the baby fever down the road a few years. At some point, we're going to stop. After one, after two, after three. And whenever we do, you're going to have to deal with some irrational, biological, baby fever. It's unavoidable. So let's do that now, and deal with it, on the family size that's right for us."

Yup, I have three, and there was this really clear sense of completeness when my third was born up until she was about a year. I was giving stuff away with no hesitation. And then suddenly the baby fever came back, and I stopped giving stuff away. Now she is 3, and even my husband has started advocating for having another kid. I even dreamt last night that I was pregnant.

So, for some of us there's just a necessary mourning process that we are done with the having babies part of our life.

(I am 41, and we are not going to have a fourth. But that doesn't make it easy.)

[Anonymous]

I really understand the being scared of ppd parts. I felt like that too with my 2nd though I did not end up having ppd with them.

It is traumatic to go through ppd especially with how you end up feeling about the helpless supposed to be sweet infant in your care. But you may not have it again, and if you do, you and your doctors will be ready.

My first was a very high need baby, this had me scared too - I wanted a baby but wasn't sure I could survive one like her again. FWIW my second was lovely. Really I think you can just ride it out. One day you will know for sure one way or another and sometimes we just need to be okay not knowing or feeling sure.