Reply to In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

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[quote=Anonymous]Out of curiosity, how was the affair handled at the end of your marriage?  Were you in counseling and was it discusses?  All the stuff about his girlfriends being great and you trying to get along with them, and that he is really happier etc is really all inconsequential to the issue at hand.  You cheated with someone that was a friend to both of you and the friend cheated on their spouse as well as betraying the friendship with your husband.  Now the people that both broke their vows and betrayed their ex-spouses and friends are together and you are asking can you expect bygones to be bygones.

IMO, the answer is anything that cuts that deep usually doesn’t truly heal unless it is addressed and the person has closure in some way.  In my situation, my dad had an affair and while in the affair he wasn’t home, we couldn’t reach him etc.  I felt as though he abandoned me.  So I can have a great family with my DH, and friends etc, but that hurt and anger is still there and it could manifest itself in ways that I was not even aware of. Trying to be cordial and ignoring it didn’t make it go away.  One day years ago we addressed it and my dad took 100% responsibility and apologized and didn’t try to blame other people or make excuses.  While it couldn’t change the past it was only in that moment that I was able to let go and move forward.  Now in your situation it would be a  little self-serving in that you would be looking to make your life easier dating your former ap and ex DH’s friend versus it being about improving your relationship with your ex-DH so that to me makes the road harder.

Bottom line, it isn’t fair to expect your ex-DH to do all the niceties for appearance sake especially when you had no such qualms in the affair or when you got back together with the person knowing that it would hurt your ex.  I can’t speak for your ex-DH but I think maybe with time and no pressure and having some sort of closure I could get there because I don’t want to carry around anger.  But any bs about past, self-serving pressure etc. would move it from a situation in the past to active gaslighting and showing me things really didn’t change.[/quote]

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