Mom Wants to Take My Kid to the Doctor
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Anonymous
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My mom says she wants to take my kid to the doctor for her annual checkup so she can ask about some concerns.
Some context: we rely on my parents for childcare help. I just launched a startup and am not making a salary yet, husband is between jobs. We have two young kids who are home all day. We are chronically exhausted, so my parents help watch them on some weekends to give us a bit of a break. Sometimes one day, sometimes overnight. They are always worrying about the kids and giving advice about what we need to do better (feeding, routines, development, etc). Sometimes if they don't like my approach, they buy the kids stuff that fits their idea of appropriate clothes, toys or food. They don't see this as overstepping, and keep saying that it's all ok because it comes out of love, and it's their right as grandparents to speak up to protect the kids' health and wellbeing, especially because they are older and wiser. It is really hurtful that they're always trying to optimize and improve our parenting, but whatever, it's the price of free childcare and we can't afford to hire someone with no salary coming in. Today, my mom called saying they are both very worried about my older one having undereye circles and want to take her to the doctor. They say that there is a lot of complex genetic history I don't know about, they can't just write down the questions for me to ask, one of them absolutely must be there. Our kid just learned to read and is always staying up late reading in bed long after bedtime. Plus her dad has these same undereye circles, and she looks just like him. So I'm really not worried about the circles, but I promised that me or my husband will definitely ask the doctor at the next checkup. Not good enough, apparently. My mom says she must be there or no childcare for us (the weekend help, plus they had promised to take the kids for a week so we could have our first-ever break since the younger was born). I explained that we're really not comfortable with her doing this, it's way overstepping, she needs to trust us to take care of our kids' health...she says she's sure we're doing our best, but no one is perfect, we could be missing something, and the stakes are too high for her to let this go (i.e. kids' health is too important for her not to "help out") Are we crazy? Is she crazy? What would you do? |
Anonymous
| You are crazy that your husband doesn’t work yet is chronically exhausted. What’s he so tired from? Stop relying on free childcare and you won’t have these problems. |
Anonymous
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She's crazy, but you said at the outset that you rely on her. It's clear you do.
What happens if you dig your heels in and don't let her come? You're starting a dangerous precedent but maybe in the future you'll have more money and bandwidth to piss her off and lose her help. You should probably lose their help as soon as you can afford it... |
Anonymous
| No, tell her you need to know the concerns and why and you will talk to the doctor. Bizarre they don't want you to go. |
Anonymous
I mean, taking care of 2 young kids is really hard, no? Plus cooking, laundry, etc.? I know that's pretty much what a SAHM does, but most SAHMs I know are exhausted too. Especially during COVID when you don't have preschool or classes or playdates or any kind of a break. Plus, looking for a job is like a part-time job in itself. |
Anonymous
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Your mom is insane. You and your husband need to figure out an alternative. If your husband is unemployed, why can’t he take care of the kids? |
Anonymous
Me again. Just reread your OP and saw this. Your mom is psychotic. Use as little of her help as possible and then ditch it completely as soon as you can. Forget the week off. Not worth it. You'll have to find another way to get a couple's break. My mom says she must be there or no childcare for us |
Anonymous
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My pediatrician isn’t allowing more than one adult to accompany a child fir a well visit. Could you blame your doctor? They’re also discouraging grandparents from coming due to risk. I think they even offer to do a well visit in the parking lot if it’s a grandparent coming. However, this whole situation is supper weird. You seem really enmeshed in an unhealthy way. Also, you’ve put yourself in a terrible position because you depend on her for childcare. This is a huge problem, not just because you’re giving up so much parenting control but because it means you can’t afford your basic living expenses—childcare is a basic living expense btw. I think you and your husband need to focus on getting real jobs ASAP. Working in startups for no pay is a young man’s game. It’s stupid to do that when you have young kids. I don’t care how good your stock options would be. Realistically, your company will fail and you’ll walk away with nothing. Get a real job. Get real childcare. |
Anonymous
| There are so many levels to this train wreck. |
Anonymous
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So you don't have health insurance right now?
Isn't this more about your mom telling you she will pay for the doctor's visit? |
Anonymous
| People on DCUM are so dramatic with their "exhaustion." Try working two jobs where you're on your feet all day. |
Anonymous
| Help always comes with a cost. I doubt the doctor will talk to her because she is not the parent and confidently laws will prevent this visit from getting off the ground. You all need boundaries with your parents and some maturity/ self reliance as parents. |
Anonymous
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Don't die on this hill, OP. You need the childcare and your parents, while invasive and incredibly annoying, aren't actually doing any harm to your children! They're harming YOU and your husband, that's for sure, by constantly undermining you and getting in the way. But right now is the time to swallow your pride, smile and let them take the lead. A word about undereye circles. They can come from sleep deprivation but also from allergies. My son is allergic to all kinds of things, including cats, pollen and nuts, and has always had undereye circles. Learn to not get upset when your parents try to micromanage MINOR details. This is the example of a minor detail. The doctor may reassure them, or uncover various minor ailments. If you can persuade your parents to get treatment for anxiety, that would be great! I won't hold my breath, though. They sound like die-hard, life-long, anxious people who are in denial about their anxiety... just like my parents  (I crossed the pond to get away from them, FYI!).
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Anonymous
| I would tell her thanks but no thanks. If the grandparents take your kids to the doctor, then I presume that opens the door for the doctor to communicate their medical information to them going forward, and there may be things down the line you may prefer to keep private. Then they would want to be in communication with the kids’ school, teachers, etc. Where does it end? They want to parent your children and forever treat you like a child, controlling all aspects of your life through guilt and manipulation. All under the guise of “help.” This is the most expensive childcare you’re going to have. I would gradually pull back from their “help” and re-establish boundaries. Also would consider if your mother suffers from untreated anxiety. |
Anonymous
| You guys need to get jobs that pay. It’s absurd for two parents that have no salaries |