Mom Wants to Take My Kid to the Doctor

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a foreign immigrant. Different culture. However I would not let mom take the kids to the doctor. She will trust whatever the doc says to her own purpose. Not good. Also those under eye circles could be allergies. My DD had them too. Good luck keep going.

[Anonymous]

It came up in conversation with my child's pediatrician that it is very common for someone other than the parent to escort a child to visits. I think he said it was more than half the time it would be a grandparent, and it was because there are so many immigrant populations in the DC area. This was very different from the lily-white area we had just moved from... Therefore, I see your parents' point about this BUT if you and DH are able to find time to handle medical appointments of course you should take the lead.

My family uses speaker phone during doctors visits if we have a question. I have called my parents during meetings for my children or myself if I have a question about family history or genetics. DH has called me so I could hear directly what his doctor says for his diet (I do the cooking). You can tell your Mom when the appointment is so she can wait by the phone.

Additionally, if there is a specific question (under eye circles) I would suggest a consultation by zoom with your Mom present. The doctor can recommend allergy medication or referral to an allergist, and note in the medical chart to have a leukemia blood test at the in-person annual physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op absolutely is missing something. There is no reason dh should be so exhausted he can’t provide childcare and needs grandparent help. In my household one of us has been out of work this whole pandemic. Guess what he has been doing??? Childcare!!! We have never had any need for a sitter or grandparents or whatever. Sounds like OP and her husband need to figure out how to live life as adults.

OP here. It's easy to write anonymous snarky posts, but if you're really in the same situation, how about some constructive advice?

My husband is actively job searching, which is taking upwards of 20 hours per week. Between searching for jobs, writing cover letters, reaching out to people to network, working with recruiters, interviews and prep for interviews, pro bono projects to develop skills and make contacts, it really is like a job. So it's not like he's just sitting on his ass. To get concrete, here's how our day looks:

Morning: he is on kid duty, I work frenetically to get a full day's work into 4-5 hours.
Afternoon: I am on kid duty, he does his job search stuff and catches up on groceries, bills, house repairs, mail, all that "adulting" fun. He makes dinner while I watch kids.
Evening: we eat dinner together, then bedtime routine. After kids in bed, we finish the work we didn't get done in the morning. We pass out from exhaustion and then get up and do it all over again.

Are there other families with young kids and similar workloads and no childcare? I'm sure. I know some of them. They are always tired and their romantic lives are nonexistent. I'm not really interested in living like that. I like having romantic evenings, spending time with my husband and having regular sex. I like going on vacation just the two of us every year. If you are satisfied being with your kids 24/7, all power to you, but there are plenty of families that do use sitters and grandparents to get much-needed time away from kids.

Wow. You are either a troll or raised with immense privilege. What you are describing is normal and yes, many -- most -- other parents do it every day. You're "really not interested in living like that?" LOL!

You don't stop working for pay and start a business that you *hope* will support you in a year (but not until) with a spouse who isn't working. If you don't want to deal with your own kids full-time and yes, be exhausted (welcome to adulthood, again), then you need to stop playing house and one or both of you get a PAYING FULL-TIME JOB. Then you can afford the "breaks" you so desperately have convinced yourself you need.

Agree with the PP. Some people are not cut out to be parents and maybe OP is one of them. The only people who have the privilege of "support" are those who give up control of their lives and those who can pay for it. Since OP can't pay for it, then she either needs to adjust her expectations about life or give up the control that her parents are demanding in exchange for the support she believes she is entitled to have.

If OP really wanted free time for romance, then she would learn to multitask. There is no reason that you can't take your kids on errands and to the grocery store. There is no reason that you can't cook dinner and watch your kids. If she actually did what most of us do, she would find that time for evening romance after the kids go to bed.

And, no, most parents don't go on annual vacations without their kids. In fact, I don't know any personally who have ever taken one without kids except us and in the 2 decades that I've been a parent (kids spaced far apart), we took one.

You people are nuts and wildly judgemental.

OP said her husband lost his job after she started her business. Jobs don't grow on trees, and then let's add in COVID. And no, most people do not work more than full-time from home with young children there full-time as well with no help. So, OP, ignore this trolls and idiots.

The bigger question is the relationship with your mother. I'd be hard-pressed to cut off my mother from her grandchildren even if she can be really overbearing. I'd sort out what is normal annoying parental opinions and what is off-limits. I think I'd call her bluff on no contact over this doctor thing or I'd take her to an appointment and just let her actually tell the doctor all this complex family history while you sit there and then listen to the doctor tell your mom that none of this is cause for concern.

Here's the deal on boundaries - your mom knows full well that if she throws a fit that you will back down. You have to stop backing down. I think her desire to have a relationship with her grandchildren will win out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op absolutely is missing something. There is no reason dh should be so exhausted he can’t provide childcare and needs grandparent help. In my household one of us has been out of work this whole pandemic. Guess what he has been doing??? Childcare!!! We have never had any need for a sitter or grandparents or whatever. Sounds like OP and her husband need to figure out how to live life as adults.

OP here. It's easy to write anonymous snarky posts, but if you're really in the same situation, how about some constructive advice?

My husband is actively job searching, which is taking upwards of 20 hours per week. Between searching for jobs, writing cover letters, reaching out to people to network, working with recruiters, interviews and prep for interviews, pro bono projects to develop skills and make contacts, it really is like a job. So it's not like he's just sitting on his ass. To get concrete, here's how our day looks:

Morning: he is on kid duty, I work frenetically to get a full day's work into 4-5 hours.
Afternoon: I am on kid duty, he does his job search stuff and catches up on groceries, bills, house repairs, mail, all that "adulting" fun. He makes dinner while I watch kids.
Evening: we eat dinner together, then bedtime routine. After kids in bed, we finish the work we didn't get done in the morning. We pass out from exhaustion and then get up and do it all over again.

Are there other families with young kids and similar workloads and no childcare? I'm sure. I know some of them. They are always tired and their romantic lives are nonexistent. I'm not really interested in living like that. I like having romantic evenings, spending time with my husband and having regular sex. I like going on vacation just the two of us every year. If you are satisfied being with your kids 24/7, all power to you, but there are plenty of families that do use sitters and grandparents to get much-needed time away from kids.

I would say I am not satisfied with it - but that is reality. My husband was unemployed for a bit and we survived. Two young kids here. Working mom. Pandemic and no grandparents alive. You can do hard things. This is temporary. I like vacations too - do I always get em - no. Sometimes life is hard and we don’t always get what we want.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. We started looking for a part-time sitter. Also, I talked to my mom. Told her she can't come to the doctor, but took the nonconfrontational route of using doctor's COVID policies as an excuse (which it turns out is actually true).


She told me all her concerns. There's no big family secret about our genes...basically they're convinced there's something wrong with my kid's liver because of the dark circles and dry skin and also because, I quote, "we've been keeping an eye on her poops and they are too large". Both me and my DH have a history of eczema and rashes as kids and my sister had liver issues as a kid...so that's the genetic piece. It didn't really make sense to me, but they are asking me to insist on all this testing at the doctors.

I feel like the immediate issue has been solved, but not really the underlying problems....

When we get a sitter, I'm betting they'll complain about insufficient time with grandkids - we dealt with this a lot when we did have a full-time nanny. They wanted us to find time to visit every single week ("We love the kids, they love us, isn't it cruel of you to keep us away from each other just because weekly visits are inconvenient for you? We are grandparents, we have the right to see our grandkids every week." OR just the passive aggressive, every time we talk and I'm like "How are you?" they're like, "Lonely, missing our grandkids, it's been a whole 2 weeks."

If the doctor does not do the testing that they are hoping for (which I'm not going to push for if it's unnecessary), it'll be, "You know that medical error is one of the leading causes of death in the US? You know how broken the medical system in this country is? Why not insist on the tests just to be sure she's ok? Why are you getting annoyed at us? We're her grandparents, right? We just want her to be healthy. We know you're a great mom, but no one's perfect. What if you're missing something? What if the doctor is missing something? What's so wrong with us working as a team to make sure Larla is healthy? Isn't that the outcome we all want?"

So I'm still kind of lost about the bigger picture of how to deal with this short of totally cutting the relationship, which I don't want to do because 60%-70% of the time things are not this insane.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I think you need to read up on boundaries - how to set them, how to enforce them, etc, and some stock things to say, like "We are taking care of it. Conversation over," when pressed. I have no specific reading suggestions but maybe someone else does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. We started looking for a part-time sitter. Also, I talked to my mom. Told her she can't come to the doctor, but took the nonconfrontational route of using doctor's COVID policies as an excuse (which it turns out is actually true).


She told me all her concerns. There's no big family secret about our genes...basically they're convinced there's something wrong with my kid's liver because of the dark circles and dry skin and also because, I quote, "we've been keeping an eye on her poops and they are too large". Both me and my DH have a history of eczema and rashes as kids and my sister had liver issues as a kid...so that's the genetic piece. It didn't really make sense to me, but they are asking me to insist on all this testing at the doctors.

I feel like the immediate issue has been solved, but not really the underlying problems....

When we get a sitter, I'm betting they'll complain about insufficient time with grandkids - we dealt with this a lot when we did have a full-time nanny. They wanted us to find time to visit every single week ("We love the kids, they love us, isn't it cruel of you to keep us away from each other just because weekly visits are inconvenient for you? We are grandparents, we have the right to see our grandkids every week." OR just the passive aggressive, every time we talk and I'm like "How are you?" they're like, "Lonely, missing our grandkids, it's been a whole 2 weeks."

If the doctor does not do the testing that they are hoping for (which I'm not going to push for if it's unnecessary), it'll be, "You know that medical error is one of the leading causes of death in the US? You know how broken the medical system in this country is? Why not insist on the tests just to be sure she's ok? Why are you getting annoyed at us? We're her grandparents, right? We just want her to be healthy. We know you're a great mom, but no one's perfect. What if you're missing something? What if the doctor is missing something? What's so wrong with us working as a team to make sure Larla is healthy? Isn't that the outcome we all want?"

So I'm still kind of lost about the bigger picture of how to deal with this short of totally cutting the relationship, which I don't want to do because 60%-70% of the time things are not this insane.

Thanks for the update.

However, I really don't see why you're taking on the expense of a nanny at a time when it might be wise to conserve money. And I don't see why you're not letting her take the kids to the doctor, by herself (it's allowed), and make herself look foolish by asking all her questions.

I have the same kind of parents, OP, and being a research scientist in a medical field, I have a good sense of what's concerning or not in my childrens' health. So it's in my interest to let my overly anxious, highly annoying, but ultimately loving mother take the lead on her foolish notions, by foisting her on the pediatrician or the preschool director or whoever will have to deal with her anxiety du jour, so that *I* don't have to schlep over there at her insistence, relay her concerns and look idiotic, or not relay them and face her agonized hand-wringing afterward. Whereas if she does it, it's all on her, and I can get on with the real work.

See what I mean?

[Anonymous]

They need was less detail about your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. We started looking for a part-time sitter. Also, I talked to my mom. Told her she can't come to the doctor, but took the nonconfrontational route of using doctor's COVID policies as an excuse (which it turns out is actually true).


She told me all her concerns. There's no big family secret about our genes...basically they're convinced there's something wrong with my kid's liver because of the dark circles and dry skin and also because, I quote, "we've been keeping an eye on her poops and they are too large". Both me and my DH have a history of eczema and rashes as kids and my sister had liver issues as a kid...so that's the genetic piece. It didn't really make sense to me, but they are asking me to insist on all this testing at the doctors.

I feel like the immediate issue has been solved, but not really the underlying problems....

When we get a sitter, I'm betting they'll complain about insufficient time with grandkids - we dealt with this a lot when we did have a full-time nanny. They wanted us to find time to visit every single week ("We love the kids, they love us, isn't it cruel of you to keep us away from each other just because weekly visits are inconvenient for you? We are grandparents, we have the right to see our grandkids every week." OR just the passive aggressive, every time we talk and I'm like "How are you?" they're like, "Lonely, missing our grandkids, it's been a whole 2 weeks."

If the doctor does not do the testing that they are hoping for (which I'm not going to push for if it's unnecessary), it'll be, "You know that medical error is one of the leading causes of death in the US? You know how broken the medical system in this country is? Why not insist on the tests just to be sure she's ok? Why are you getting annoyed at us? We're her grandparents, right? We just want her to be healthy. We know you're a great mom, but no one's perfect. What if you're missing something? What if the doctor is missing something? What's so wrong with us working as a team to make sure Larla is healthy? Isn't that the outcome we all want?"

So I'm still kind of lost about the bigger picture of how to deal with this short of totally cutting the relationship, which I don't want to do because 60%-70% of the time things are not this insane.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

Literally stop engaging on these issues. If they ask about the doctor you tell them the pediatrician doesn't think there is anything to worry about. If they continue to press it, you're going to have to cut it off. You can say, "I don't want to discuss this further" and change the subject. Don't let them guilt trip you.

On the sitter and seeing the grandkids, some of it, just don't respond. My mother is a broken record on my kids' electronics use. She's probably right on some level, but she's also 79 years old and I had to explain that my kids Facetime and Zoom their friends during COVID because they aren't seeing them in-person. So now I just kind of say Mm Hm and move on. Be direct - if you don't have the time to visit every week, be blunt about it. If they can come and pick up the kids and that works for you, then let them do that.

You and your husband are full-grown real adults. I give you permission to act like it with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Should she complain about less time with the kids once a sitters comes on the scene, remind them this is a result of their attempted blackmail. They can't threaten to not watch the kids unless you give into their demands, and then later fuss due to less time with the kids. Set what works for you whether it be once or twice a month or less. Go to them or meet else where so you can pick up and go if they get controlling.

[Anonymous]

Just let her go with you and let her bring up her concerns to the dr
Maybe she has a reason to be worried that you aren't noticing. God forbid shes right and there is something concerning about these symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Still not understand why a family with one parent who stays home needs a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still not understand why a family with one parent who stays home needs a nanny.

They HAD a nanny when her husband still had his old job. They don't currently have any childcare other than her parents on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

They just need a middle school sitter for 4 hours here and there on weekends. Just do that, $10-15/ hr.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is threatening you? Yuck.

She might lie to the doctor and say you are not a fit parent. No way would I let her take the kid to the doctor.

Your husband needs to get things together and watch the kids. You two can split up the work.

Drop everything besides work and family for a while and focus on that so you can start making money. You are in this position due to money issues sonI would start there as far as fixing it and cut mom off.