Mom Wants to Take My Kid to the Doctor

[Anonymous]

I would be alarmed to let anyone who felt this strongly about my kids health be alone with my kids and their pediatricians. I'd let her come along perhaps but would not let her go alone.

I can't tell if there is something nefarious on her side or your side but it sounds like two different versions of how your kids are really doing.

OP I don't understand your need for childcare especially with DH's nonexistent and your diminished work hours. We never had unpaid help and we both have always worked full time jobs. I am wondering if she is planning on going to the appt, but actually looking for help for the parents. I think she wants to put the MD on alert for what she is concerned about- with YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don’t use her for “real” childcare - only on weekends to get some downtime? Since you don’t actually NEED her to watch the kids, I would put my foot down and decline her request. She’s way out of bounds.

Yeah, this is the part I don't get. The husband DOESN'T WORK but he can't watch the kids during the week. The wife "works" but it is a start-up not bringing in any money and no health insurance, and SHE needs a break on the weekends??? There is something going really wrong in this household and it isn't the grandparents.

OP here. My husband does the bulk of the childcare during the week. My parents help on some weekends (usually one day, sometimes overnight). They had also promised to watch kids for a week so we could have a vacation.

We have good health insurance. We are comfortably covering our bills from savings, we just don't have $40K/year for a nanny.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something here, but we have two young kids and it's really hard. They need to constantly be watched, they wake up at night. When I'm not working, I watch them, husband applies to jobs or cooks or does laundry. We are both on every single minute 13-14 hours/day (except bathroom breaks). We both did investment banking in the past, and this is harder. When one kid is napping or calmly playing, the other is awake. If they're both occupied, we need to make lunch or dinner or take out the trash or pay the bills. We try not to do too much screentime and we cook our own food (no separate meals for kids).

Maybe there's some parenting secret we haven't figured out since the youngest was born, but yes, we are both working really hard all day every day to keep up with running the startup (me), applying to jobs (husband), and kids/house (both of us). Obviously if our kids were older and in school, this would not be a problem, but that's a few years away.

Welcome to parenthood, OP. Most of us are doing it without any grandparents to help. Consider yourself lucky.

Exactly. It is really weird that OP and her husband are so exhausted by this, especially when the husband is essentially the stay-at-home parent. Being at home during the pandemic is MUCH easier than it is schlepping kids to childcare so that both parents can go into an office to work. If they're exhausted now, then there is no way they'll be able to handle a return to real life. Sheesh.

NP here. You've got to be a trash troll. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say something like this: "Mom, thanks for your concern. Unfortunately, they are only allowing one adult to bring in the kids for their appointment during COVID so only I can take them. I will definitely ask about the undereye circles. We would love to have you continue to watch the kids occasionally, but if you prefer not to, we understand."

Op, this is the least drama way to approach this. Go with this. In a polite tone.

You two are not getting that OP and her mom do not have a functional relationship. Mom is manipulative. OP should say this, but there will be drama.

[Anonymous]

DO you want to end up losing custody of your kids? This is exctly what your mom is angling forand don't think it can't happen.


Your kids and their well-being is more important than your start-up, or your me-time with Dh. Go back to work, the start-up will have to wait. Take responsibility of your kids full time. Get in therapy specifically with someone skilled in dealing with narcissistic parents.

Set firm boundaries with your parents, your children are never to be alone with them.

[Anonymous]

A complicated genetic history they can’t explain to the person who shares all the relevant genes?

Forget letting her take the kid to the doctor I wouldn’t let her alone in a room with the kid. Your startup isn’t worth this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say something like this: "Mom, thanks for your concern. Unfortunately, they are only allowing one adult to bring in the kids for their appointment during COVID so only I can take them. I will definitely ask about the undereye circles. We would love to have you continue to watch the kids occasionally, but if you prefer not to, we understand."

Op, this is the least drama way to approach this. Go with this. In a polite tone.

You two are not getting that OP and her mom do not have a functional relationship. Mom is manipulative. OP should say this, but there will be drama.

This. Holy cow, op. You need to learn how to separate ate from your mom. Are there any cultural issues at play? Are your parents from another country?

Get this book and read it. I think it will help you. https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/boundaries-updated-and-expanded-edition-henry-cloud/1127017176

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People on DCUM are so dramatic with their "exhaustion." Try working two jobs where you're on your feet all day.

And parents don't get a "one week break" from their children when they can't afford to pay for childcare and the husband DOESN'T EVEN WORK.

If he's that exhausted sitting at home, he needs a full medical checkup. Go to a low income clinic if no insurance. Buy a cheap bottle of generic vitamins. But you don't need grandparents to babysit every weekend because you're both "so exhausted." All parents are exhausted. Welcome to adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don’t use her for “real” childcare - only on weekends to get some downtime? Since you don’t actually NEED her to watch the kids, I would put my foot down and decline her request. She’s way out of bounds.

Yeah, this is the part I don't get. The husband DOESN'T WORK but he can't watch the kids during the week. The wife "works" but it is a start-up not bringing in any money and no health insurance, and SHE needs a break on the weekends??? There is something going really wrong in this household and it isn't the grandparents.

OP here. My husband does the bulk of the childcare during the week. My parents help on some weekends (usually one day, sometimes overnight). They had also promised to watch kids for a week so we could have a vacation.

We have good health insurance. We are comfortably covering our bills from savings, we just don't have $40K/year for a nanny.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something here, but we have two young kids and it's really hard. They need to constantly be watched, they wake up at night. When I'm not working, I watch them, husband applies to jobs or cooks or does laundry. We are both on every single minute 13-14 hours/day (except bathroom breaks). We both did investment banking in the past, and this is harder. When one kid is napping or calmly playing, the other is awake. If they're both occupied, we need to make lunch or dinner or take out the trash or pay the bills. We try not to do too much screentime and we cook our own food (no separate meals for kids).

Maybe there's some parenting secret we haven't figured out since the youngest was born, but yes, we are both working really hard all day every day to keep up with running the startup (me), applying to jobs (husband), and kids/house (both of us). Obviously if our kids were older and in school, this would not be a problem, but that's a few years away.

We're confused why you're confused. Your husband is home not working. He is your full-time weekday childcare. On weekends, you are tired, but you continue to care full-time for the kids you chose to have. It is what literally every other parent who can't afford a nanny is doing. What is the question?

[Anonymous]

Take the money you apparently have for a weeks vacation and use it for a few hours of babysitting every week?

[Anonymous]

I’m sure it’s nice having them watch your young kids most weekends but most parents don’t get breaks like that and muddle through despite being tired. Her help sounds completely optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure it’s nice having them watch your young kids most weekends but most parents don’t get breaks like that and muddle through despite being tired. Her help sounds completely optional.

This. Personally, I would prefer my kids be with their tired mom on the weekends rather than with their insane grandmother.

[Anonymous]

OP, what are you looking for here? We can’t change your mom; we can’t even give her advice because she’s not the one here asking. Your choices are simple - go along with what your mom wants, or stand up to her and give up your free babysitting. The rest of it is just noise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don’t use her for “real” childcare - only on weekends to get some downtime? Since you don’t actually NEED her to watch the kids, I would put my foot down and decline her request. She’s way out of bounds.

Yeah, this is the part I don't get. The husband DOESN'T WORK but he can't watch the kids during the week. The wife "works" but it is a start-up not bringing in any money and no health insurance, and SHE needs a break on the weekends??? There is something going really wrong in this household and it isn't the grandparents.

OP here. My husband does the bulk of the childcare during the week. My parents help on some weekends (usually one day, sometimes overnight). They had also promised to watch kids for a week so we could have a vacation.

We have good health insurance. We are comfortably covering our bills from savings, we just don't have $40K/year for a nanny.

I'm not sure if I'm missing something here, but we have two young kids and it's really hard. They need to constantly be watched, they wake up at night. When I'm not working, I watch them, husband applies to jobs or cooks or does laundry. We are both on every single minute 13-14 hours/day (except bathroom breaks). We both did investment banking in the past, and this is harder. When one kid is napping or calmly playing, the other is awake. If they're both occupied, we need to make lunch or dinner or take out the trash or pay the bills. We try not to do too much screentime and we cook our own food (no separate meals for kids).

Maybe there's some parenting secret we haven't figured out since the youngest was born, but yes, we are both working really hard all day every day to keep up with running the startup (me), applying to jobs (husband), and kids/house (both of us). Obviously if our kids were older and in school, this would not be a problem, but that's a few years away.

You don’t need to afford a full time nanny. DH watches them as do you when you are home. Just get an on occasional babysitter for relief once per month. Both of you are not making any money, you don’t have some giant surplus of savings, sounds like you are just getting by. You don’t get along with your overstepping manipulative mother. Yet you are taking a weeks vacation and leaving her in charge?? That sounds incredibly stupid. And to your original question, no she doesnt take child to the dr ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A complicated genetic history they can’t explain to the person who shares all the relevant genes?

Forget letting her take the kid to the doctor I wouldn’t let her alone in a room with the kid. Your startup isn’t worth this.

Wtf? Didn’t catch that part.

Do some of the grandparents, parents or kids have a learning disorder or other disorder (autism, ADD)?

You should be working on that with your spouse. I’d leave grandparents on either side out of it, rarely do you get “medical family history” from parents in their 60-80s. They get to rosy on it and defensive, will undermine. Only sometimes are they open and honest and putting the child and relevant help first.

Maybe it’s time for that talk, let grandma lead it and then decide if she’s hiding mistakes or taking the bull by the horns.

Meanwhile, sounds like everyone needs to go to bed earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, tell her you need to know the concerns and why and you will talk to the doctor. Bizarre they don't want you to go.

That’s fun your kids get to sleepover or have weekend time with the grandparents each weekend.

But what is with these “complex genetic history” things that are bypassing you and going straight to your own kids pediatrician. Take your mom out for coffee or lunch and discuss. Grandma sounds paranoid and either way needs to tell you her hunch or whatever.