3.5 year old doesn’t behave or respond to rewards/punishments

[Anonymous]

My 3.5 yr old son is incredibly smart and stubborn (not my first kid but yes, I can only compare to my own experiences).

I’m overwhelmed because many days he won’t nap unless we stay with him and it takes hours.
Then he sleeps for 3 hours. If he doesn’t nap, he’s cranky and falls asleep at dinner.

Climbs over his gate if he’s left alone.
I’ve double gated but then he trashes his room.

I can’t get any work done because he’s incredibly destructive when awake. He really needs eyes on him every second. I can’t even go to the bathroom.

If he’d just take a nap I could handle the rest.

No preschool because of Covid so I’m just so desperate to contain his energy but not kill his spirit. I’ve baby proofed but he is amazing at figuring it out. Finds anything to use as a step stool and get into what he shouldn’t. Trust me, meds are put up so high, we need a step stool. Sharpies are hidden but my new countertops have still been victimized.

He’d watch tv and or snuggle with us all day but we only allow tv in morning and maybe during dinner prep. Snuggles are constant and keep me going!

Sticker charts, rewards and even punishments don’t work. He does not care. If I try to explain that he can’t climb up on something, he laughs and no matter how many times I say he can’t do something, he replies, “But I have to”

Today he climbed over his gate and fell. I saw it happen but couldn’t get to him in time. It was bad enough so it hurt but he was ok. He cried snd I comforted him and explained it was dangerous and that’s why he can’t climb out. I turned around and he climbed out again.

I’m losing my mind.

[Anonymous]

3.5 is when our kid stopped napping. Can you move dinner earlier and do an earlier bedtime? I would cut out the morning TV personally and let him watch something in the afternoon in lieu of the nap. Tell him he needs to stay in his room for 10 mins quietly playing ( books, puzzles, diploma etc) and if he does he can watch a movie. Assuming this works gradually increases the time.

[Anonymous]

That should say duplo not diploma

[Anonymous]

My son was like that and stopped napping at 2.5. Just when I was pregnant again, Ugh.

All I can suggest is an earlier bed time, major child proofing, and no sugar, and just keep at the teaching and guiding.

[Anonymous]

Don’t make him nap in his room. Get a small portable nap mat and have him lay down in whatever room you’re doing stuff in.

[Anonymous]

I would cut the nap, earlier bedtime.

Make him clean up the messes he makes. If it takes a long time to clean and is delaying, it comes out of TV time. If he is making too big of a mess in his room, explain that some toys will have to be packaged up and put away until he can show you he's able to take care of his things. Then let him pick 3-5 favorite toys and pack the rest away. You can rotate them or bring them out later if he's able to keep his room cleaner.

Does he have a favorite toy? Use that as his currency instead of a reward chart. Or he can earn TV time with good behavior.

Overall I would rely less on childproofing and rely heavier on consequences. He's old enough to understand what he should be doing and is choosing not to.

It's a hard age, as you know. Hang in there!!

[Anonymous]

spank his butt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cut the nap, earlier bedtime.

Make him clean up the messes he makes. If it takes a long time to clean and is delaying, it comes out of TV time. If he is making too big of a mess in his room, explain that some toys will have to be packaged up and put away until he can show you he's able to take care of his things. Then let him pick 3-5 favorite toys and pack the rest away. You can rotate them or bring them out later if he's able to keep his room cleaner.

Does he have a favorite toy? Use that as his currency instead of a reward chart. Or he can earn TV time with good behavior.

Overall I would rely less on childproofing and rely heavier on consequences. He's old enough to understand what he should be doing and is choosing not to.

It's a hard age, as you know. Hang in there!!

Just a quick note to say it’s not really true that he is old enough to understand and choose not to. Brain research shows that kids are JUST starting to develop this skill at ops sons age and while they can understand and “know” what others want them to do or the boundaries, impulse control is still poor. It is over the next couple years that both of those things really come together. So yeah I think ops child proofing is really smart as much as she can because consequences will only be so effective. In the moment he still might struggle to control the impulse (and remember all kids are different, your child may have been able to do this earlier but that doesn’t mean ops child isn’t still perfectly within typical development).

Trying to work with him to clean up, sure. But yeah would just be hesitant with these as they aren’t super supported by research now. I would go with other suggestions op to drop the nap, do tv time during that time do you get a break, and do a super super early bedtime so you get another break.. Sounds tough and likely isn’t anything you are doing, jjst your kids personality!

[Anonymous]

Dude send him to part time preschool. It sounds like he’s bored and needs to interact with some other kids and also stop napping

My son can be like this when he’s been stuck at home for too long

[Anonymous]

I have a smart stubborn kid and this was such a difficult age. They truly don't have the control and forethought necessary for consequences etc to work. Keep doing those snuggles and time ins, get him a ton of exercise, earlier bedtime, try an audiobook in the same room where you are to quiet down.

Not to be a jerk but ... preschools are open. You'd both benefit from one, if it's in your budget.

[Anonymous]

3.5 is the worst age. They seem like they should know better, and they sort of do, but the impulse control is nil and the testing of boundaries is high. And they are not nearly as easy to distract as at 2. Try all the suggestions, but honestly the cure is time. 4 is much better.

[Anonymous]

I would send him to preschool. It’s unlikely he’ll get covid there. I would invest in an amazing backyard play structure if you can afford it and spend as much time outside as possible. Research sensory seeking and see if that fits his personality, look for “sensory input diet” for him. I agree that you need to cut the nap and just put him to bed earlier, even if you have to rearrange schedules for now.

[Anonymous]

How much outdoor physical activity does he get each day?

[Anonymous]

If you're worried about an indoor preschool is there maybe an outdoor preschool by you? My 4.5YO was a VERY active/busy toddler and he started attending an outdoor preschool last year and is absolutely thriving with it. He's outside for 3.5 straight hours a day and he needs it. Then he comes home and we play outside some more. Scooters, bike rides, walks, obstacle courses, and a mini trampoline to get the energy out.

[Anonymous]

3 1/2 years olds don’t always nap. Get this child to a park to run out the endless energy.