Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.
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Anonymous
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My husband and I are upper end of middle class -- normal 9-5 jobs. My brother (my only sibling) and his wife the same upper end of MC -- normal 9-5 jobs too. But SIL's parents are multi-millionaires and have some status in their community, where she and my brother reside as well. Since he married her five years ago, my brother totally disregards our widowed mother, so I have to deal with everything, dinners, invite her places, etc. or she'd be totally alone -- especially hard during the last year. He does not care.
A few times a year he will ask me, my husband and our two children to come visit he, SIL and their two children and act like everything is rosy. My mother will get maybe an invite or two per year. We're all supposed to be fake and put on a 'best brother/son' routine around his in-laws, who he hangs with basically all week. He also hangs with her siblings (and their kids) easily 10x more than me and my kids. I've been ghosting him because he's such a jerk specifically with regard to my mother. Maybe it would be excusable if he was too busy, but he is a total kiss***, drops everything and bends over backwards for his in-laws. Now SIL is wondering why my family seems distant and I have not mentioned any of this to her. I know for a fact he isn't transparent with her about my mother -- out of sight, out of mind. And this isn't an across the country thing -- same region, 90 minutes away. Any advice? No, I'm not jealous. It's not about him choosing his in-laws over my family, it's ghosting our mother in favor of his MIL/FIL that really bothers me. And then keeping it a secret from his wife because he knows he's being a jerk. |
Anonymous
| It may just be that he’s one of those guys who will do whatever wife prefers, and she prefers her family. So they never consider the imbalance. It may not have anything to do with socioeconomic differences. |
Anonymous
| Talk to him one-on-one about it but do not bring up his in-laws in comparison. Just tell him, for example, hey can you step it up with spending more time with mom? She's mentioned feeling extra lonely lately and it would be nice if you could call her once a week and make time to have a family lunch or dinner with her once a month. |
Anonymous
| What happened when you spoke with him about this and asked for him to pitch in with caring for your mom? |
Anonymous
Yeah...yeah...I'll get on that. Nothing changed, he doesn't care. And then he wants me to be fake around his wife. I suspect he tells his wife our mother is super busy and just sort of fabricates her life. His children see his wife's parents multiple times a week, they've literally never been to our mom's house. |
Anonymous
| Maybe he doesn’t like his Mom. Can’t force him to |
Anonymous
I can tell when he does call or invite my mother it seems prompted by his wife. So it's not her avoiding the family -- it's him. Were it not for her, he might just ignore our mother all year. Out of sight, out of mind. |
Anonymous
| Is it possible head a very different relationship with your mom and just doesn’t enjoy being with her? I know my husband’s brother thinks he is a monster for not spending more time with their dad. But his brother was the Golden Child and had everything given to him while my husband was and still is the scapegoat and the target of his dad’s nasty digs. We avoid him because it hurts. |
Anonymous
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Advice? On how to change or control another adult human being?
No...no one can help you with that. You are in charge of: 1) Your own level of engagement with him 2) ***If he asks why you aren't more engaged,*** you can choose whether to try to talk to him about this dynamic. End of list. |
Anonymous
Very much this. OP, your brother may be super thankful that he now has a family he can enjoy. Just because you are close to your mother, doesn't mean he is or has to be. |
Anonymous
No, our mother is very sweet. And since when does a parent have to be fun or "enjoyable"? I'm sure the wealthier in-laws are more engaging or fun -- but that doesn't make it right to treat your mother like yesterday's paper. It's our mother. And I'm not going to be complicit in his attempt to pretend he's not treating her poorly. His in-laws see their grandkids multiple times a week, my mother sees the grandkids maybe twice a year. And it's not his wife, I think his wife is the only reason he calls or invites her the few times he does. His wife is a sweetheart. |
Anonymous
NP. You just...don't get to decide what his adult relationships should look like. That's just not your call. You are in charge of YOUR relationship with your mother. Full stop. You are not in charge of how he chooses to spend his time. You are not in charge of what his relationships with other adults should look like. You are not the arbiter of what is "fair" and "not fair" when it comes to HIS CHOICES and HIS RELATIONSHIPS. Do you get it? |
Anonymous
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Was your brother already selfish? How did he get that way? |
Anonymous
| Sometimes its the women. My BIL is like this. He stopped contact with my husband and MIL. My MIL was lovely, but no money/status. Not much you can do. |
Anonymous
Was OP always this bossy and controlling, acting like his judge and jury? How did she get that way? |