Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are upper end of middle class -- normal 9-5 jobs. My brother (my only sibling) and his wife the same upper end of MC -- normal 9-5 jobs too. But SIL's parents are multi-millionaires and have some status in their community, where she and my brother reside as well. Since he married her five years ago, my brother totally disregards our widowed mother, so I have to deal with everything, dinners, invite her places, etc. or she'd be totally alone -- especially hard during the last year. He does not care.

A few times a year he will ask me, my husband and our two children to come visit he, SIL and their two children and act like everything is rosy. My mother will get maybe an invite or two per year. We're all supposed to be fake and put on a 'best brother/son' routine around his in-laws, who he hangs with basically all week. He also hangs with her siblings (and their kids) easily 10x more than me and my kids.

I've been ghosting him because he's such a jerk specifically with regard to my mother. Maybe it would be excusable if he was too busy, but he is a total kiss***, drops everything and bends over backwards for his in-laws. Now SIL is wondering why my family seems distant and I have not mentioned any of this to her. I know for a fact he isn't transparent with her about my mother -- out of sight, out of mind. And this isn't an across the country thing -- same region, 90 minutes away.

Any advice? No, I'm not jealous. It's not about him choosing his in-laws over my family, it's ghosting our mother in favor of his MIL/FIL that really bothers me. And then keeping it a secret from his wife because he knows he's being a jerk.

He sounds like a typical American. The way Americans discard elderly family, especially elderly who are of no or little monetary value to them, is grotesque.

Lol. Sure. And does the same standard apply to the “elder” in question? I can tell you most of the narcissistic boomers in the US raised their kids with their individualistic ideals. The Eastern collectivist families I’ve seen provide childcare, education expenses, etc. and then when it’s their turn for them to need elder care their kids generally provide. What you’re seeing is a (Generally) consequence of selfish, disinterested parents reaping what they sow when their kids become adults and they age. Take a broader look PP.

I agree to an extent. Different PP here. It is not just the Boomers who are narcissistic, selfish, disengaged and disinterested - or reaping what they sow. Terrible parents make terrible grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?

Was OP always this bossy and controlling, acting like his judge and jury?
How did she get that way?

It's not bossy and controlling to not let your sibling walk all over your elderly mother just b/c he is a gold digging asshat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you frame this as your brother “marrying up” and start the post by focusing on socioeconomic status when you don’t provide evidence that your brother is motivated by his in-laws’ money?

Because it's a social media post, not a dissertation.
Because she has other information.
Because it is, in fact, true.

Lots of people are making a LOT of assumptions here, about the mom and the OP. How about you stick to the facts as written? If OP is lying or omitting, that's on her.

[Anonymous]

Options:

1. Your brother is a jerk
2. Your mother isn’t as sweet as you think and your brother is bitter with her as a result

Not much you can do about either of those things except whine and lash out here, which you’ve proven to be very good at. Or, you could just love your mother and consider yourself lucky that you have a great relationship with her and her to spend lots of time with her.

[Anonymous]

It might not be about money. I find it so much easier to relate to my in-laws (functional) than to my own family (chaotic, abusive, damaging). They also have more money, but it's really that I feel like they get me. My sister gets mad at me about that too, but she's part of the problem....might be worth examining...

[Anonymous]

I feel very sorry for OP’s mom. Many of us on the board are mothers and to be ignored by your own child must really hurt. I believe OP’s story, why would she lie about her mother being sweet? I am sure she was a good parent and for whatever reason her son has decided to ignore her right when she needs family the most. It’s a crappy situation, but OP I just wanted to say you’re a good daughter. One day your brother will regret how he treated his mom but im by then it will probably be too late.

[Anonymous]

This is why nursing homes are full, most Americans just don't give a shit about their parents. If OP's mother was a multi-millionaire you bet your ass he'd be making that 90 minute commute regularly, if not encouraging mom to move closer to his home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your mom just isn’t as interesting or fun? We have a similar dynamic. One side is just best friends and the other just talks about constant obligations to them. It also sounds like his in-laws must help them and spend time with them too. How often does your mom invite them over?

Ma, you're just not a fun hang and all of your medical appointments, online forms, groceries, home maintenance, and helping with your bills is such a drag, so sorry, but we're gonna have to ghost you. Don't worry, we'll give a wonderful speech at your funeral. (Well, honestly, we'll probably just cremate you and pocket the extra cash.) Take care. If you need us, we'll be in Boca at my in-laws place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel very sorry for OP’s mom. Many of us on the board are mothers and to be ignored by your own child must really hurt. I believe OP’s story, why would she lie about her mother being sweet? I am sure she was a good parent and for whatever reason her son has decided to ignore her right when she needs family the most. It’s a crappy situation, but OP I just wanted to say you’re a good daughter. One day your brother will regret how he treated his mom but im by then it will probably be too late.

Just because she thinks her mother is sweet, doesn’t mean he does. I’m 1 of 4. 2 of us haven’t talked to Mom in years, the other 2 think she’s great.

[Anonymous]

If you’re going to have a come to Jesus talk, I would prioritize elder care over family get togethers. How are you guys going to divide the responsibility if your mom needs more help as she gets older? He sounds like the kind of person who would expect you to do all of the work. Also, I hope your Mom is making an effort to have a relationship with your brother’s family instead of just waiting for him to call or visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel very sorry for OP’s mom. Many of us on the board are mothers and to be ignored by your own child must really hurt. I believe OP’s story, why would she lie about her mother being sweet? I am sure she was a good parent and for whatever reason her son has decided to ignore her right when she needs family the most. It’s a crappy situation, but OP I just wanted to say you’re a good daughter. One day your brother will regret how he treated his mom but im by then it will probably be too late.

Just because she thinks her mother is sweet, doesn’t mean he does. I’m 1 of 4. 2 of us haven’t talked to Mom in years, the other 2 think she’s great.

We get it, you're projecting. How many times have you spammed in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Your brother and your mother both adults. You should not interfere, MYB.

[Anonymous]

Have a family meeting with brother, mom and SIL.
Figure out the care situation rather than the socializing. Float the idea that mom will sell her house and help you buy a larger home with an in-law suite. Once that is put out on the open, brother will know that he is losing the inheritance. He will either care or he won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel very sorry for OP’s mom. Many of us on the board are mothers and to be ignored by your own child must really hurt. I believe OP’s story, why would she lie about her mother being sweet? I am sure she was a good parent and for whatever reason her son has decided to ignore her right when she needs family the most. It’s a crappy situation, but OP I just wanted to say you’re a good daughter. One day your brother will regret how he treated his mom but im by then it will probably be too late.

Just because she thinks her mother is sweet, doesn’t mean he does. I’m 1 of 4. 2 of us haven’t talked to Mom in years, the other 2 think she’s great.

We get it, you're projecting. How many times have you spammed in this thread.

I'm not the PP. My father and his sibling were raised by the same parents in the same house. My father was severely neglected and considered the "bad" child pretty much since birth, while his sibling was "the good one" and was lavished with affection and attention. This extended to grandchildren too - my cousins were showered with love and my grandparents never even remembered my birthday.

My father's sibling believes they were angels on earth and my father is an ungrateful son.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you genuinely like your SIL and spending time with her, what about proposing outings and including her and her children? You, your kids plus grandma, SIL and her kids? Maybe a weekend to a lake, a trip to an amusement park, the zoo? Drive to a close by city for an educational trip, like Jamestown or Williamsburg or something. No dad, just the moms and kids. Then, the cousins are able to spend time together and grandma gets to be with all her grandkids?

Doing something like that once or twice a year would probably be very meaningful to your mother and fun for the kids. You can't get your brother to change. It is not worth it and if you have a good relationship with your SIL, then nurture that relationship on your own terms. Don't complain about your brother, just focus on your SIL and what you value about her, and the children.