Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.

[Anonymous]

Ask your mom to be more proactive with establishing a relationship with her SIL. Your mom should contact SIL directly to offer babysitting.

Your brother sounds like a golddigger.

Maybe it’s just that both your mom and brother are followers and expect other to take the lead?

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of unanswered questions here...

How long has your mom lived in her current home? Very strange that the grandkids have never visited.

Is this a covid thing? Has frequency of visits changed in the last year due to covid? Maybe in-laws and bros family bubble together, especially if in-laws help a lot with the kids. Also is your mom higher risk than in-laws etc.

You talk a lot about socioeconomic issues but didn’t really provide any examples. How exactly does that factor in?

Also, how often DOES your mom see them? Growing up, we had one set of grandparents in town, one 2hrs away. We saw the in town side (dad’s) weekly, the other side every few months- give or take. Of course we saw the local side more. No one ever thought it was strange. When my kids were small we lived 2hrs from my in-laws and saw them around the same- every few months (usually for an overnight visit). Again, that wasn’t thought of as strange. 90min-2hrs is still quite a trip...requiring either an overnight or spending half the day in the car. I think different families have different takes on what is a “normal” amount of visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your mom to be more proactive with establishing a relationship with her SIL. Your mom should contact SIL directly to offer babysitting.

Your brother sounds like a golddigger.

Maybe it’s just that both your mom and brother are followers and expect other to take the lead?

Um, no. Why should SIL bear the burden of scheduling and maintaining family relationships for her husband's family? That's emotional labor. HE should carry it for his family. Stop putting more and more burden on women just because they have vaginas.

***The brother/son is just not that into his family.*** Which is a perfectly valid life choice for a grown-ass adult to make. He doesn't have to play by OP's rules or meet her expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I think your mother should send letters and cards to her grandkids so that they know that she cares. She should call them directly to at least try to establish a relationship. I would not say anything about it to SIL unless she asked. Your mother is lucky to have you as a daughter.

You really can't be Team anybody unless you know the full story. We only know what OP has told us and I'm sure there's a LOT more that she hasn't told us or isn't aware of. Notice that she hasn't come back yet.

[Anonymous]

You can't control your brother.

You can control yourself. You don't have to be fake and praise him.

You don't have to go to his every invite.

You can call him out on his behavior.

[Anonymous]

If I was the wife I’d be really alarmed if my husband ghosted his own mum. This isn’t typical behavior. My husband and his brother bought their mum a condo near our home and lease her a nice new car every two years. She’s at our house or my brother in law’s at least once a week for dinner or one of the kids’ extracurriculars. Anyone who cuts off their mum is a POS.

[Anonymous]

If OP and her husband moved out of state for a job offer, would her brother be forced to pick up the slack or would he still ignore his mother? I suppose this is how and why American elderly get dumped in nursing homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move your family out of state and tell brother and his wife to have fun taking mom to her appointments, filling out forms, home maintenance, and everything else elderly parents need help with. Or help mom sell her house to buy one a block from him.

You think OP should move her own family away from her mother in order to try to force her brother to see her mother more?

That's an interesting strategy. Well thought out.

OP's Kids: Why do we have to move?
OP: So Uncle Johnny will call grandma once a week!
OP's Husband: Wait, why do I have to get a new job?
OP: Because my brother doesn't spend as much time with Mom as I would like.

You are a blithering idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was the wife I’d be really alarmed if my husband ghosted his own mum. This isn’t typical behavior. My husband and his brother bought their mum a condo near our home and lease her a nice new car every two years. She’s at our house or my brother in law’s at least once a week for dinner or one of the kids’ extracurriculars. Anyone who cuts off their mum is a POS.

So I’m just supposed to be OK with a horrible upbringing? My mother has no interest in her grandkids to the point she doesn’t even know their birthdays. I’m not ok with that so I cut her out. You wouldn’t?

[Anonymous]

I find this post confusing, TBH, and it seems OP isn’t coming back...

So the brother lives 1.5 hours away from where the sister/family and mother live...and he invites them to visit a few times a year. Sometimes the mom/grandma is invited and sometimes not? I find that odd. Wouldn’t a family gathering pretty much always include her? If I were OP I’d generally assume so, and if not, I’d surely ask why. It’s close family.

OP doesn’t say anything about herself doing the inviting (or her mother either). Are they ever hosting or inviting? And does brother say no?! She doesn’t mention anything about that. Holidays spent together?!

With that distance I’d tend to assume they’d all see other every few months or more, with all parties doing the inviting sometimes.

The post makes OP sounds like she and her mom just wait for brother to do the inviting. If he is inviting the family a few times a year that isn’t exactly “cutting off his mother”.

Without more info it is impossible to say, and all families are different. I see no indication that the brother is cutting off his mom and treating her like crap based on the information provided. She doesn’t say anything about the brother declining multiple invites- just that he doesn’t invite often enough for her liking. It takes all parties to maintain a relationship and do the hosting/inviting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was the wife I’d be really alarmed if my husband ghosted his own mum. This isn’t typical behavior. My husband and his brother bought their mum a condo near our home and lease her a nice new car every two years. She’s at our house or my brother in law’s at least once a week for dinner or one of the kids’ extracurriculars. Anyone who cuts off their mum is a POS.

So I’m just supposed to be OK with a horrible upbringing? My mother has no interest in her grandkids to the point she doesn’t even know their birthdays. I’m not ok with that so I cut her out. You wouldn’t?

+1

People whose DH's don't come from abusive families don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are upper end of middle class -- normal 9-5 jobs. My brother (my only sibling) and his wife the same upper end of MC -- normal 9-5 jobs too. But SIL's parents are multi-millionaires and have some status in their community, where she and my brother reside as well. Since he married her five years ago, my brother totally disregards our widowed mother, so I have to deal with everything, dinners, invite her places, etc. or she'd be totally alone -- especially hard during the last year. He does not care.

A few times a year he will ask me, my husband and our two children to come visit he, SIL and their two children and act like everything is rosy. My mother will get maybe an invite or two per year. We're all supposed to be fake and put on a 'best brother/son' routine around his in-laws, who he hangs with basically all week. He also hangs with her siblings (and their kids) easily 10x more than me and my kids.

I've been ghosting him because he's such a jerk specifically with regard to my mother. Maybe it would be excusable if he was too busy, but he is a total kiss***, drops everything and bends over backwards for his in-laws. Now SIL is wondering why my family seems distant and I have not mentioned any of this to her. I know for a fact he isn't transparent with her about my mother -- out of sight, out of mind. And this isn't an across the country thing -- same region, 90 minutes away.

Any advice? No, I'm not jealous. It's not about him choosing his in-laws over my family, it's ghosting our mother in favor of his MIL/FIL that really bothers me. And then keeping it a secret from his wife because he knows he's being a jerk.

He sounds like a typical American. The way Americans discard elderly family, especially elderly who are of no or little monetary value to them, is grotesque.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are upper end of middle class -- normal 9-5 jobs. My brother (my only sibling) and his wife the same upper end of MC -- normal 9-5 jobs too. But SIL's parents are multi-millionaires and have some status in their community, where she and my brother reside as well. Since he married her five years ago, my brother totally disregards our widowed mother, so I have to deal with everything, dinners, invite her places, etc. or she'd be totally alone -- especially hard during the last year. He does not care.

A few times a year he will ask me, my husband and our two children to come visit he, SIL and their two children and act like everything is rosy. My mother will get maybe an invite or two per year. We're all supposed to be fake and put on a 'best brother/son' routine around his in-laws, who he hangs with basically all week. He also hangs with her siblings (and their kids) easily 10x more than me and my kids.

I've been ghosting him because he's such a jerk specifically with regard to my mother. Maybe it would be excusable if he was too busy, but he is a total kiss***, drops everything and bends over backwards for his in-laws. Now SIL is wondering why my family seems distant and I have not mentioned any of this to her. I know for a fact he isn't transparent with her about my mother -- out of sight, out of mind. And this isn't an across the country thing -- same region, 90 minutes away.

Any advice? No, I'm not jealous. It's not about him choosing his in-laws over my family, it's ghosting our mother in favor of his MIL/FIL that really bothers me. And then keeping it a secret from his wife because he knows he's being a jerk.

He sounds like a typical American. The way Americans discard elderly family, especially elderly who are of no or little monetary value to them, is grotesque.

Lol. Sure. And does the same standard apply to the “elder” in question? I can tell you most of the narcissistic boomers in the US raised their kids with their individualistic ideals. The Eastern collectivist families I’ve seen provide childcare, education expenses, etc. and then when it’s their turn for them to need elder care their kids generally provide. What you’re seeing is a (Generally) consequence of selfish, disinterested parents reaping what they sow when their kids become adults and they age. Take a broader look PP.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I’d wait until the next gathering and then embarrass TF out of him in front of SIL’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your mom to be more proactive with establishing a relationship with her SIL. Your mom should contact SIL directly to offer babysitting.

Your brother sounds like a golddigger.

Maybe it’s just that both your mom and brother are followers and expect other to take the lead?

+1

I agree. The MIL (the elder) has the responsibility of welcoming the new members of the family, and making sure they are comfortable, included, and treated the same as other family members, provided the treatment is positive, and it's not a totally dysfunctional family.