Brother married up, treats our mother like crap but his in-laws like gold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?

OP here. Not really. Generally a nice guy but certainly started fading from me and especially our mom after marriage. But the contrast of how he treats our mother (especially when she's only got him and me) vs. how he treats the in-laws is hard to swallow. And it is not his wife excluding my mother (or me). His wife is very sweet.

The few of you posting about "fun" are odd. Who thinks about family, at least your parents, that way? And no, not everything a widowed parent needs is fun. But if I didn't step up, she'd have nobody.

My mother would babysit or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. He's never asked once. The in-laws babysit all the time. Again, I think he makes up that she's busy when truthfully she's lonely and he should be doing far more to engage her.

Then the handful of times he does engage her he wants her (and my family) to be fake and act thrilled for the rare invite?

Have you heard the saying that a son is a son until he finds a wife, but a daughter is for life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?

OP here. Not really. Generally a nice guy but certainly started fading from me and especially our mom after marriage. But the contrast of how he treats our mother (especially when she's only got him and me) vs. how he treats the in-laws is hard to swallow. And it is not his wife excluding my mother (or me). His wife is very sweet.

The few of you posting about "fun" are odd. Who thinks about family, at least your parents, that way? And no, not everything a widowed parent needs is fun. But if I didn't step up, she'd have nobody.

My mother would babysit or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. He's never asked once. The in-laws babysit all the time. Again, I think he makes up that she's busy when truthfully she's lonely and he should be doing far more to engage her.

Then the handful of times he does engage her he wants her (and my family) to be fake and act thrilled for the rare invite?

Have you heard the saying that a son is a son until he finds a wife, but a daughter is for life?

I am so sorry for what you are feeling OP. This is a no-win situation.if you confront him, your mom may not like it. Also what kind of relationship do you have with him??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?

OP here. Not really. Generally a nice guy but certainly started fading from me and especially our mom after marriage. But the contrast of how he treats our mother (especially when she's only got him and me) vs. how he treats the in-laws is hard to swallow. And it is not his wife excluding my mother (or me). His wife is very sweet.

The few of you posting about "fun" are odd. Who thinks about family, at least your parents, that way? And no, not everything a widowed parent needs is fun. But if I didn't step up, she'd have nobody.

My mother would babysit or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. He's never asked once. The in-laws babysit all the time. Again, I think he makes up that she's busy when truthfully she's lonely and he should be doing far more to engage her.

Then the handful of times he does engage her he wants her (and my family) to be fake and act thrilled for the rare invite?

Have you heard the saying that a son is a son until he finds a wife, but a daughter is for life?

No. And I don't know any men outside of my brother who treat their mother like this. His own wife's brother doesn't treat his mom/dad like this. And my husband doesn't treat his mom like this.

[Anonymous]

So sell your mother's house (while she's alive - so he can't claim part of the death inheritance) and move her plus your family into a larger home with on-site MIL suite. She gets to see your kids and you all she wants.

Then you can forget the brother exists. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?

OP here. Not really. Generally a nice guy but certainly started fading from me and especially our mom after marriage. But the contrast of how he treats our mother (especially when she's only got him and me) vs. how he treats the in-laws is hard to swallow. And it is not his wife excluding my mother (or me). His wife is very sweet.

The few of you posting about "fun" are odd. Who thinks about family, at least your parents, that way? And no, not everything a widowed parent needs is fun. But if I didn't step up, she'd have nobody.

My mother would babysit or do anything for them at the drop of a hat. He's never asked once. The in-laws babysit all the time. Again, I think he makes up that she's busy when truthfully she's lonely and he should be doing far more to engage her.

Then the handful of times he does engage her he wants her (and my family) to be fake and act thrilled for the rare invite?

You still have not given your qualifications. What makes you his boss or his therapist? What makes you his judge and jury? What gives you the authority to say what's "right" or "wrong" about how he chooses to spend his time, and how he chooses to manage his relationships with other grown-ass adults who are not you?!

Get a fricking hobby. And get a therapist for those control issues of yours.

+100

He's grown. Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible head a very different relationship with your mom and just doesn’t enjoy being with her? I know my husband’s brother thinks he is a monster for not spending more time with their dad. But his brother was the Golden Child and had everything given to him while my husband was and still is the scapegoat and the target of his dad’s nasty digs. We avoid him because it hurts.

Very much this. OP, your brother may be super thankful that he now has a family he can enjoy. Just because you are close to your mother, doesn't mean he is or has to be.

No, our mother is very sweet. And since when does a parent have to be fun or "enjoyable"? I'm sure the wealthier in-laws are more engaging or fun -- but that doesn't make it right to treat your mother like yesterday's paper. It's our mother. And I'm not going to be complicit in his attempt to pretend he's not treating her poorly. His in-laws see their grandkids multiple times a week, my mother sees the grandkids maybe twice a year. And it's not his wife, I think his wife is the only reason he calls or invites her the few times he does. His wife is a sweetheart.

Then stop being fake around his wife. And every time he invites you ask him if he's invited your mom.

You make it sounds like he's telling his wife your mom isn't available and asking you to keep up that lie. Don't.

Yes, I suspect that's precisely what he's doing. I don't know how to not be fake and at the same time not stoke drama in their marriage. I have no idea if he's built up some house of lies. And having to go through his wife to make him treat our mom better gives me anxiety.

The bolded is not your responsibility, nor would you be the cause of it. The accurate portrayal of your brother's behavior would be the cause. There are situations where it's kind or right to withhold the truth, but I don't think this is one of them. Drop the act. And if your SIL steps in and includes your mother more, even if it's independent of your brother, that's good for your mom.

I agree with the poster that said your mom should offer to babysit - but she should talk to SIL.

[Anonymous]

If he wanted to be around her, he would. He doesn’t want to.
Why is not relevant or any of your business.

[Anonymous]

I did not read everyone else responses but my immediate thought reading your post is your brother is kissing his IL's a**es because he wants their money when they die. The end. He could also be embarrassed by your mom because she doesnt have as much money/isnt as high status. Some people are like that.

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand why people don't have actual conversations. What do you have to lose? It's not like you have a relationship now. If SIL asks why your family is distant, why don't you just tell her?

[Anonymous]

How far away from mom does brother live?

My mother in law (husbands mom) wants us to be there every weekend, but they live nearly 2 hours away. It’s hard to go up there when we are enmeshed in school, activities, sports, etc. We get up there once every 6-8 weeks and even that is challenging. If they lived within 15 minutes, it would be so much easier to engage constantly—inviting them to sit on the sidelines with us at baseball practice, popping over to drop something off and stay for lunch.

If your mom is the same distance as in laws, I can see why you’re hurt, but if they are farther apart it’s just natural.

Your mom needs to tell your brother that she wants xyz, and then brother needs to determine what he is comfortable with. You aren’t a part of the calculation because it has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Just kidding, I see mom is 90 minutes away. Umm...no wonder in laws see them more! It’s a day’s commitment to drive 90 minutes each way, can’t be impromptu, can’t be a 15 minute visit, etc.

If mom wants more face time with bro she needs to move closer to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wanted to be around her, he would. He doesn’t want to.
Why is not relevant or any of your business.

Because I have a husband, children and a career too and I shouldn't have to help and entertain our mother 100% of the time. He does nothing. And it's also ridiculously rude to my mother to treat her like dirt and his mother and father in law like royalty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you spoke with him about this and asked for him to pitch in with caring for your mom?

Yeah...yeah...I'll get on that. Nothing changed, he doesn't care. And then he wants me to be fake around his wife. I suspect he tells his wife our mother is super busy and just sort of fabricates her life. His children see his wife's parents multiple times a week, they've literally never been to our mom's house.

This means you didn't ask, right?

[Anonymous]

I'm sure stuff went down between OP's brother and their mom that she either is not telling us or is not aware of. Mind your own business, OP. This is NOT your business, it's between your brother and your mom. If she wants to spend more time with him, then she needs to speak up. You sound meddlesome and awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Was your brother already selfish?
How did he get that way?

Was OP always this bossy and controlling, acting like his judge and jury?
How did she get that way?[/quote]

+1

My bet is on the MIL.

OP - your brother does not see your mother the way you do, and your brother is relieved to now have a "real family". You have your perspective, and your brother has his. Just because you say something is or is not so, doesn't mean that it is true. Time to grow up. Your brother is happy, be happy for him.