Switched DS to Private School- Now He Refuses to Play Soccer.

[Anonymous]

Fall of 2019 our DS was really struggling in school. He was extremely disorganized, at a large school and falling through the cracks. Failing two classes. So we applied for admission to several privates in January of 2019 and he was offered admission at our first choice. I say our because he had no intention of going.

Then the pandemic hit literally two weeks later. Schools closed and then summer arrived. His private school opened 50% and it's been a gift. They are on him like a hawk. I can't imagine what would have become of his schooling if we hadn't switched him. He's still not thrilled, but mostly that's an act to us. Alone with his friends there he is having a great time, but he still says he wants to switch back.

He's a very talented soccer player. It's been a big focus of his since he was 8. He is now a 15 year old freshman. Soccer try outs for the private school are coming up and he's refusing to attend because he says he wants to leave the school. That's not happening so I'm trying to persuade him to try out to keep interest but I feel he's doing this to punish us. He's cutting his nose off to spite his face.

What would you do? DH wants to basically restrict him to his room- sans phone- until he relents.

[Anonymous]

I would never make a high schooler play a sport he didn't want to play. There's simply no point in subjecting his coach and teammates to a player who doesn't want to be there. However, I would make him play a sport. If he wants to learn something new like squash, go for it. The good thing about many privates is that there should be a team for him somewhere this season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fall of 2019 our DS was really struggling in school. He was extremely disorganized, at a large school and falling through the cracks. Failing two classes. So we applied for admission to several privates in January of 2019 and he was offered admission at our first choice. I say our because he had no intention of going.

Then the pandemic hit literally two weeks later. Schools closed and then summer arrived. His private school opened 50% and it's been a gift. They are on him like a hawk. I can't imagine what would have become of his schooling if we hadn't switched him. He's still not thrilled, but mostly that's an act to us. Alone with his friends there he is having a great time, but he still says he wants to switch back.

He's a very talented soccer player. It's been a big focus of his since he was 8. He is now a 15 year old freshman. Soccer try outs for the private school are coming up and he's refusing to attend because he says he wants to leave the school. That's not happening so I'm trying to persuade him to try out to keep interest but I feel he's doing this to punish us. He's cutting his nose off to spite his face.

What would you do? DH wants to basically restrict him to his room- sans phone- until he relents.

Let him quit. Don't try and live through your son. You are already making ayyend this school so back off on the extra stuff.

[Anonymous]

Is he playing travel/club? I would think that would make more sense if he's a talented player.

[Anonymous]

That is exactly the age when kids quit or change sports. Totally normal.

[Anonymous]

I would never force someone to play a sport. Additionally, just because he’s made some friends at the new school doesn’t mean he is enjoying the school experience as much as you. He’s just dealing with a situation he can’t change. You can require he goes outside and gets exercise, but forcing a sport is not going to improve the situation.

Ask if there is something else he would like to participate in either at school or outside of school.

[Anonymous]

You can't craft the perfect child. Either give up his grades and let him coast at public school but be a soccer player, or stay at private school, keep his grades up but he quits soccer.

And yes, he is biting his nose off to spite his face. Teens are experts at this.

So which is more important to you in the long run? Sports or academics?

[Anonymous]

I'll be the voice of disset. A 15 yr old doesn't see the long term impacts of his decisions.

When my DC was younger, I pushed DC to do some things that I thought would be good for DC. DC hated it, but deep down, DC knew that I was right. So, DC did what I pushed DC to do. Years later, this activity helped DC, and DC realizes it and is grateful that I pushed DC. DC is now 15.

I don't know your kid's situation, but sometimes, in some things, it is worth pushing your kid.

Frame it this way.. no matter what happens, we are not pulling you out of private for xyz reason. Are you really going to give this up to spite us when in the long run this activity is for you?

Also, if he gives up soccer, what activity will he do? I always tell my kids they have to do something - a sport, after school activity, something. So, what will he do?

I would not take away the phone for this. But, make it clear that he has to do something. Give that choice to him.

[Anonymous]

How competitive is the team? Maybe he is afraid he won't make it? OTOH, if it is no cut, give him some slack and encourage it next year. Maybe when he makes friends, and they all get letter jackets, he'll change his mind.

Look, you are already pushing him on one major thing he didn't choose -- the school, which includes his social life, so two major things. If you push on sports too, what in his nearly adult life has he chosen for himself? He will have no agency on his own life, which will push rebellion or mental heath issues further. He's not a little child anymore.

[Anonymous]

As a Tiger Parent, let me tell you there is an art to it.

You can't force multiple major things on one kid at the same time. You can enforce then one after the other, with a decent interval in between, or push several kids to each do one major thing at the same time.

But if you push too hard, especially when they're teens, you'd better watch out because they will either rebel right there and then, or hate you for the next several decades.

So what's more important to you? Staying in that school and no soccer? Or going to his old school (with an ADHD diagnosis and meds to help with his executive functioning, if that's the cause of his disorganization) and winning a coveted spot on a team?

Or... if there's something he badly wants, can you bribe him to do both school and soccer? His dream car?
I don't advise bribing, but sometimes it works. Use in moderation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fall of 2019 our DS was really struggling in school. He was extremely disorganized, at a large school and falling through the cracks. Failing two classes. So we applied for admission to several privates in January of 2019 and he was offered admission at our first choice. I say our because he had no intention of going.

Then the pandemic hit literally two weeks later. Schools closed and then summer arrived. His private school opened 50% and it's been a gift. They are on him like a hawk. I can't imagine what would have become of his schooling if we hadn't switched him. He's still not thrilled, but mostly that's an act to us. Alone with his friends there he is having a great time, but he still says he wants to switch back.

He's a very talented soccer player. It's been a big focus of his since he was 8. He is now a 15 year old freshman. Soccer try outs for the private school are coming up and he's refusing to attend because he says he wants to leave the school. That's not happening so I'm trying to persuade him to try out to keep interest but I feel he's doing this to punish us. He's cutting his nose off to spite his face.

What would you do? DH wants to basically restrict him to his room- sans phone- until he relents.

Let him quit. Don't try and live through your son. You are already making ayyend this school so back off on the extra stuff.

+1000 you got the school covered which is what matters
tell him once that he would be shooting himself in the foot and that he would hurt only himself... then act like it, as if you did not care and hope that he cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he playing travel/club? I would think that would make more sense if he's a talented player.

OP here. Yes, he is captain of his extremely competitive travel program. He also plays city rec for fun. He loves the sport. No one is 'trying to live through' him or his sports. I was not even remotely athletic and my DH played basketball. No connection to soccer anywhere. This all came from him.

[Anonymous]

If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer? I don't understand why you care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer? I don't understand why you care.

OP again. You don't understand why I think my son would benefit from a positive connection with his new school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was truly competitive in soccer he would be playing Academy and couldn't play HS anyhow. So why bother with school soccer?

NP, that's simply not true. Many schools have athletic programs that are considered supremely superior to any private organization.