Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
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Anonymous
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So many problems in my marriage. On surface looks amazing.
So much resentment- on both sides. (On both sides) I am so bitter and resentful that he’s underemployed, and been so for many years. I’m so bitter and resentful that he complains about doing too much childcare. I am so angry about being the breadwinner for years now (which was never a joint duscussion) and doing a minimum of 50% childcare hours on top of working. From home. At beginning of pandemic he stated that we should keep kids out of preschool for financial and health reasons since he’s at home and under employed. Yet now, he says he’s burned out and the set up is unfair. “This arrangement doesn’t work for me. I do the entire day with the kids except for lunch and dinner And I never get an extended break until the weekend.” (FYI I generally work from 8-1030, take kids from 1030-nap, work from 1-530, take kids from 6-bed.) Since he said this about not getting extended break and arrangement not working for him, I’ve shut down. Over it. He is so upset about my lack of communication. He’s not wrong- we don’t talk about issues. I am loathe to initiate discussions about things we should be talking about...even things that bother me greatly, because his pattern is to shut down, ice me out, and make our home a miserable environment. So, I keep it all bottled inside. I want to say everything I just typed and more. I want to scream and throw things. You know what’s not f-ing working for me- having an under employed spouse who complains about caring for his kids. You know what’s not working for me- Working full time, being the breadwinner, the provider of benefits, and doing 4-6 hours of childcare a day. I’m tired. Angry. Highly offended. Too tired to care anymore. Too angry and resentful to muster up the energy to have the conversation. |
Anonymous
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Childcare
Would paying for fulltime childcare be cheaper than divorce? At least try it Better for the kids |
Anonymous
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And if you're the breadwinner, just do it
Arrange it. Do it. No need for any discussions |
Anonymous
Op here. I’ve thought about this in the last few days, even as covid numbers spike in my state. It would definitely help me in terms of work and juggling the days. But isn’t that a get out of jail free card for dh? And who pays for childcare? Yet another financial responsibility for me? |
Anonymous
| So, to be clear OP, the underemployed part does not have anything to do with Covid, correct? I think that's an important point. |
Anonymous
Oo here- dh lost his job in 2017 and has Been underemployed since then. I feel so taken advantage of. |
Anonymous
| Op, that sounds really hard and frustrating. Would you be open to marriage counseling? He/she can help facilitate conversations between the two of you on this. |
Anonymous
Yes |
Anonymous
| OP, will you offer a little more info about being "under" employed? Not sure you're going to have agreement, that he is, without some more information. And beyond salary. |
Anonymous
You should totally pay for childcare or in-person private school if you are drowning. It sounds like you are. Don’t worry about it being a bailout for your husband. If he’s tired from domestic stuff, he won’t be able to address the under-employment stuff. Wouldn’t you have to pay for help if you divorced anyway? Just start outsourcing the domestic load now is you have some breathing room. |
Anonymous
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Op here.
I’m at my wits end. Is he gas lighting me? At his suggestion that he needed a bigger block of free time on Sunday, we agreed weeks ago that I would take care of kids until a certain time today, then he takes over for the evening. That time came. He announced it wasn’t fair, bc kids woke up late, napped late, and therefore I had a shorter block of time responsible for child care today. He said we should split the rest of the day instead of proceeding with his previously agreed upon schedule. I was enraged, but calmly said to him. This schedule was YOUR IDEA. During the week, when the kids wake up later and you have a shorter chunk of time before giving them to me, I don’t complain or cry unfair. This was your idea and you can’t just manipulate the schedule to your advantage. He conceded, but not before saying “YOURE the one who does this stuff all the time- trying to carve out more time for yourself.” Am o being gaslit?? WTF |
Anonymous
PP offered a reasonable solution. You can continue to cut off your nose to spite your face if you wish. |
Anonymous
Marriage counseling is a wonderful idea, but that would require OP to take ownership of her part in this and ownership of her own feelings, and not just blame her husband as the cause of everything, which doesn't seem what she wants at this point. |
Anonymous
| Make a schedule and have him sign,off on it? In any case, something has got to give because you seem to be at the breaking point. Are you and DH both working from home right now? Send the kids back to school. His excuse. for changing the schedule because the kids woke up late is RIDICULOUS! He's lazy too., Hugs. |
Anonymous
I don’t understand. You are married so your income is joint. You say he is “underemployed.” What exactly does that mean? |