Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, to be clear OP, the underemployed part does not have anything to do with Covid, correct? I think that's an important point.

Oo here- dh lost his job in 2017 and has Been underemployed since then.
I feel so taken advantage of.

Boohoo. I carried my unemployed or underemployed (now ex-) wife for 21 years of marriage.

Who did the childcare? I have a guess...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the spouse who was complaining about being overwhelmed with the kids was female this would be a completely different thread

This isn’t the issue. At least not to me. Her anger is greater than her ability to clearly convey the situation. It was the delivery that’s off putting. Frankly it’s still incomplete even with the updates. As she mentioned communication is difficult for her this makes sense. I don’t think it’s about gender at all. Except maybe op wants a partner that’s a breadwinner...and is judging that. It reads that way more than exhausted working mom. BUT I could be wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like a jerk. Your DH has 3 hours to do his job? Is he underemployed (lower position than he is capable) or employed part time?

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why everyone is piling on you, OP. I completely see your point and would be furious, demoralized and incredibly resentful in your shoes. As another PP suggested, get some sleep, you sound exhausted (rightfully so) and see how things look in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.
I’m at my wits end. Is he gas lighting me?
At his suggestion that he needed a bigger block of free time on Sunday, we agreed weeks ago that I would take care of kids until a certain time today, then he takes over for the evening.
That time came. He announced it wasn’t fair, bc kids woke up late, napped late, and therefore I had a shorter block of time responsible for child care today. He said we should split the rest of the day instead of proceeding with his previously agreed upon schedule.

I was enraged, but calmly said to him. This schedule was YOUR IDEA. During the week, when the kids wake up later and you have a shorter chunk of time before giving them to me, I don’t complain or cry unfair. This was your idea and you can’t just manipulate the schedule to your advantage.

He conceded, but not before saying “YOURE the one who does this stuff all the time- trying to carve out more time for yourself.”

Am o being gaslit?? WTF

I think you are off your rocker, and I’m curious to hear the other side to the story. You sound bitter your DH doesn’t make more money than you had hoped, and you are a bit nasty about it.

[Anonymous]

Op you all need marriage counseling stat. You need someone to help both of you learn to communicate or this will go no where except worse, fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why everyone is piling on you, OP. I completely see your point and would be furious, demoralized and incredibly resentful in your shoes. As another PP suggested, get some sleep, you sound exhausted (rightfully so) and see how things look in the morning.

+100
Has anyone else read that op’s husband refuses to apply for full time work?! Going from breadwinner full time work to making 30% of salary, refusing to work full time, AND refusing to do agreed upon childcare - uhhh THats RIDICULOUS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a jerk. Your DH has 3 hours to do his job? Is he underemployed (lower position than he is capable) or employed part time?

OP says she is doing 4 to 6 hours of childcare while working full time, which means (if kids awake roughly 12 hours a day) that her DH is doing about the same amount, but not working full time. And some months not working at all...this is crazy. Why is everyone piling on OP? I hear a completely burned out woman doing a second shift.

It is common sense to me that the person with the less demanding job, not responsible for family benefits and income should be taking on the lion's share at home.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I dont know if under employed is the right term. Op's husband sounds like he is working when he feels like it. This would infuriate me, absent a conversation about roles and responsibilities in the family. If you aren't going to work consistently, then you must step it up with childcare and domestic responsibilities.

He takes on consulting contract jobs. Some months zero income and no work activity.. Some months decent income and moderate activity. At best he is making 35% of his prior salary. At best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a jerk. Your DH has 3 hours to do his job? Is he underemployed (lower position than he is capable) or employed part time?

OP says she is doing 4 to 6 hours of childcare while working full time, which means (if kids awake roughly 12 hours a day) that her DH is doing about the same amount, but not working full time. And some months not working at all...this is crazy. Why is everyone piling on OP? I hear a completely burned out woman doing a second shift.

It is common sense to me that the person with the less demanding job, not responsible for family benefits and income should be taking on the lion's share at home.

No, OP says she works from 8-10:30 then 1-5:30 which means she does 2–2.5 hours middle of the day and probably 1.5 hours at night. So 4 hrs max while her husband does 8 hours.

[Anonymous]

What does underemployed means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a jerk. Your DH has 3 hours to do his job? Is he underemployed (lower position than he is capable) or employed part time?

OP says she is doing 4 to 6 hours of childcare while working full time, which means (if kids awake roughly 12 hours a day) that her DH is doing about the same amount, but not working full time. And some months not working at all...this is crazy. Why is everyone piling on OP? I hear a completely burned out woman doing a second shift.

It is common sense to me that the person with the less demanding job, not responsible for family benefits and income should be taking on the lion's share at home.

No, OP says she works from 8-10:30 then 1-5:30 which means she does 2–2.5 hours middle of the day and probably 1.5 hours at night. So 4 hrs max while her husband does 8 hours.

OP said her kids nap. So you can probably shave off 90 minutes-2 hours from her husband's time. And I would guess a lot more than 1.5 hours at night. 1.5 hours would be 5:30pm-7pm.
My toddler is not in bed by 7pm, but rather 8:30pm. That would be 3 hours after her workday + 2.5 hours middle of day. Thus, 4-6 hours of childcare for her per day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does underemployed means?

+1 to this.
OP's husband is working at will. Not part time or full time in a position lesser than his capabilities.

You all are lying to yourselves if you don't think that making 70% less of your previous income isn't a huge deal...with no plan to change the situation AND not embracing being the primary caregiver while OP works full time?! Come on...

[Anonymous]

And it seems he doesn’t want to work more or help more. But, when kids sleep in one morning, he is quick to redistribute the childcare. He is a piece of work. I sympathize OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does underemployed means?

+1 to this.
OP's husband is working at will. Not part time or full time in a position lesser than his capabilities.

You all are lying to yourselves if you don't think that making 70% less of your previous income isn't a huge deal...with no plan to change the situation AND not embracing being the primary caregiver while OP works full time?! Come on...

And is OP willing to pick up the slack for her DH to have interviews and spend hours tailoring his resume? Is she willing to let him go into the office full-time to start a job while she takes care of the kids all day? Or will they hire a nanny or send the kids to daycare? I mean, how is she making this happen? She just sounds so selfish and mean in the initial post that I have a hard time believing this is really the full story.