DW loses temper with people and I am embarrassed

[Anonymous]

As just one recent example, we had some issues with a contractor. First, they didn't show up on the day they were supposed to and we had to reschedule. Then, when they did show up, there was some I think honest misunderstanding about exactly what we wanted done. I started to talk to the guy about how what he did wasn't exactly what we had agreed to and explain what we wanted done. DW interrupted me and went after the guy like an attack dog--told him she was going to call his boss if he didn't do what we wanted or give us our deposit back. I actually felt bad for the guy and was somewhat embarrassed. He wasn't arguing with us or refusing to do anything. The guy did agree to fix it but I don't think the hostility was necessary. In fact, I was afraid it was going to backfire. Fortunately the guy took it in stride. I just have a very different style of dealing with people. This types of things happen frequently and it's also treating me a doormat that can't handle things.

[Anonymous]

Persuade her to check her thyroid levels. Hyperthyroidism is not uncommon, and can lead to irritability.

[Anonymous]

You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

[Anonymous]

I am a woman and get what pps are saying but one should always start in a calm, friendly way and get more “aggressive” as needed “

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

Oh please. Trust me, PP. When you think you're being "aggressive and firm," you are making a total ass of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

[Anonymous]

If your example of her losing her temper is an email where she says she'll resubmit a form but is not pleased she has to do so because it was lost by the daycare, I'm not sure you've ever met someone with a temper.

[Anonymous]

You need to take this off her plate. Run everything by her, but you deal with the contractor. Most contractors are sexist; you may not see it, but they are.

If her behavior his new, it may be depression, COVID-related or otherwise. Depression can appear as anger in some people.

[Anonymous]

OP, your problem is less with how your wife treats others and more with how she treats YOU. This is something productive you can discuss with her.

“I don’t like it when you undermine me when I’m talking to contractors/daycare/etc.”

If this continues to be a problem, insist on marital counseling. You need to drop how she treats other people and focus on YOU. That is the only relationship you have power over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to step it up in the examples you gave your wife was right to push back and push back hard like she did.

I was expecting an example of her snapping and cussing out people in stores for not having her favorite teas or having to wait for 5 minutes inline or other nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Expressing displeasure at unprofessional behavior is not losing your temper. And if you're afraid they're going to take that email out on your kids then you have bigger problems than their disorganization. Why is their potential irritation at an email worth your walking on eggshells, and your wife's justified irritation at their mistake "embarrassing"?