DW loses temper with people and I am embarrassed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

You say “In my experience...” then opine re OP’s DW. Tell us, do you have experience with OP’s DW? Because that’s what would be relevant here. 🏄🏻

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

You say “In my experience...” then opine re OP’s DW. Tell us, do you have experience with OP’s DW? Because that’s what would be relevant here. 🏄🏻

PP here.... p.s., imo OP’s DW needs some Valium, yoga, etc., that’s too quick a ramp up imo, and I was a litigator for years so have no problem firing when ready and appropriate. 🤷‍♂️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

+1 was taken advance of a contractor because “I was too nice” he knew he could f*ck me over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are right, and not a doormat. Your wife is like all the pp's in this thread. She's self important and bitchy.

And yes, if it was a man behaving like OPs wife, I wouldn't put up with it. Obviously, if women have to go to such extremes to get things done, she's doing it wrong.

This. There’s being clear, confident and assertive, and then there’s what OP’s wife is doing which is behaving ungraciously towards service providers. Ugh. Good luck, OP. If this is a behavior change for DW, it could be a medical issue. Also, has she started a new diet? Sometimes people have behavioral changes when they aren’t getting the right nutrients.

[Anonymous]

OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

I have to disagree with this. It may be true sometimes, but kindness and respect have always worked for me. When I was having extensive electrical upgrades done on my house, I treated my electrician and his crew really well and was treated well in return. Small example: I offered coffee when they arrived, had soft drinks available in an extra fridge for them, and offered them a plate of food when the work ran long and they stayed into the dinner hour. They bent over backwards please me. If I decided on an extra outlet or whatever, they did it without charge. When they had to empty my pantry to install some recessed lights, they organized all my food when they put it back. Tidy rows of beans, pasta, and everything all sorted and lined up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

NP. OP, I have been friends with two women who were really good people but tended to escalate in situations that didn't need it. They were quick to think they were being taken advantage of and often interpreted benign interactions that way. It broke my heart because they were really lovely women, but both of them had been bullied terribly when they were teens. These were women well into adulthood, but their experiences in high school continued to color their perceptions of even the simplest of interactions. There were obviously professional and social repercussion, so it kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is there anything in your wife's past that might be similar?

I have to say that seeing this really changed the way I view childhood bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are right, and not a doormat. Your wife is like all the pp's in this thread. She's self important and bitchy.

And yes, if it was a man behaving like OPs wife, I wouldn't put up with it. Obviously, if women have to go to such extremes to get things done, she's doing it wrong.

+1


DRAMA. She needs to dial it down. By a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

True.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

NP. OP, I have been friends with two women who were really good people but tended to escalate in situations that didn't need it. They were quick to think they were being taken advantage of and often interpreted benign interactions that way. It broke my heart because they were really lovely women, but both of them had been bullied terribly when they were teens. These were women well into adulthood, but their experiences in high school continued to color their perceptions of even the simplest of interactions. There were obviously professional and social repercussion, so it kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is there anything in your wife's past that might be similar?

I have to say that seeing this really changed the way I view childhood bullying.

Nothing OP's wias said was bullying or disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

I have to disagree with this. It may be true sometimes, but kindness and respect have always worked for me. When I was having extensive electrical upgrades done on my house, I treated my electrician and his crew really well and was treated well in return. Small example: I offered coffee when they arrived, had soft drinks available in an extra fridge for them, and offered them a plate of food when the work ran long and they stayed into the dinner hour. They bent over backwards please me. If I decided on an extra outlet or whatever, they did it without charge. When they had to empty my pantry to install some recessed lights, they organized all my food when they put it back. Tidy rows of beans, pasta, and everything all sorted and lined up.

So you played the good little woman role..

FYI they contractor didn't just show up and OP's wife was rude. He canceled their appointment and then had no idea of the job he was supposed to perform, he was unprofessional OP's wife called him out on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are right, and not a doormat. Your wife is like all the pp's in this thread. She's self important and bitchy.

And yes, if it was a man behaving like OPs wife, I wouldn't put up with it. Obviously, if women have to go to such extremes to get things done, she's doing it wrong.

This. There’s being clear, confident and assertive, and then there’s what OP’s wife is doing which is behaving ungraciously towards service providers. Ugh. Good luck, OP. If this is a behavior change for DW, it could be a medical issue. Also, has she started a new diet? Sometimes people have behavioral changes when they aren’t getting the right nutrients.

You clearly did not read the OP. And your last sentence is just a BS assertion. I suspect you are the same poster who posts complete nonsense about nutrition in various forums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are right, and not a doormat. Your wife is like all the pp's in this thread. She's self important and bitchy.

And yes, if it was a man behaving like OPs wife, I wouldn't put up with it. Obviously, if women have to go to such extremes to get things done, she's doing it wrong.

misogyny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to examine your sexism OP. I hope you don't have daughter's

+1 This thread is rampant with misogyny and sexism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.