DW loses temper with people and I am embarrassed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your example of her losing her temper is an email where she says she'll resubmit a form but is not pleased she has to do so because it was lost by the daycare, I'm not sure you've ever met someone with a temper.

It's not about losing a temper though that happens too. It's about harping on a point that should be let go.

Daycare email 1: We're sorry but we can't find this form. Can you please resubmit it?
DH reply 1: Yes, we'll take care of it.
DW reply 1: Why did you lose this form? We submitted it on date X? This is really frustrating because we submitted it already. (Probably unnecessary email.)
Daycare reply: I'm really sorry about this but we don't have it. Please drop off another copy when you can.
DW reply 2: I know you can't find it, but we submitted it. It's really frustrating that we have to do this again. (DEFINITELY unnecessary email.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

If you are worried about the daycare causing harm to your children because you express displeasure you need to find a new daycare.

As someone who worked daycare for years some workers are lazy and you need to push back on, a form being lost is not okay.. Period, They should hear about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As just one recent example, we had some issues with a contractor. First, they didn't show up on the day they were supposed to and we had to reschedule. Then, when they did show up, there was some I think honest misunderstanding about exactly what we wanted done. I started to talk to the guy about how what he did wasn't exactly what we had agreed to and explain what we wanted done. DW interrupted me and went after the guy like an attack dog--told him she was going to call his boss if he didn't do what we wanted or give us our deposit back. I actually felt bad for the guy and was somewhat embarrassed. He wasn't arguing with us or refusing to do anything. The guy did agree to fix it but I don't think the hostility was necessary. In fact, I was afraid it was going to backfire. Fortunately the guy took it in stride. I just have a very different style of dealing with people. This types of things happen frequently and it's also treating me a doormat that can't handle things.

Sorry, OP. I know someone like this, everything is drama, and yelling like she is better than the other person - it doesn't matter how small the matter is. The minute there is a leaf in her yard, she is on the phone with the landscaping company, who hates her, who is on retainer. They must be there THAT day!v It is as if she is longing or her meaning in life is to just be a raging, condescending a-hole. "How dare THEY!!!!"

I don't think she has a lot of friends, and I don't think she knows why. She needs to take it down a few - or twenty - notches. Her DH is nice and down to earth and can be- and while she has humble beginnings and every reason to be down to earth - she is a haughty snob who complains about the stupidest things, like what the neighbors are doing. She has no life, and people would feel bad for her is she wasn't such a raving lunatic byotch. Sorry you have to live with this powder keg, she needs help, and she needs to learn to get along with people. But yeah, I think almost everyone knows someone like that.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound nice but to what end? The contractor didn’t show up on day that had been agreed to and after rescheduling there was discussion about what was to be done. Not knowing what delay meant as far as disrupting home/schedule the idea that their incompetence grew into not being clear about job would have done it for me. Guessing if your DW lit into him it was because she saw you screwing up your oversight. I’d be pissed if I’d already lost time waiting for a no show and then learn my DH was worried about the guy’s feelings re misunderstood expectations.

[Anonymous]

You need to examine your sexism OP. I hope you don't have daughter's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem is less with how your wife treats others and more with how she treats YOU. This is something productive you can discuss with her.

“I don’t like it when you undermine me when I’m talking to contractors/daycare/etc.”

If this continues to be a problem, insist on marital counseling. You need to drop how she treats other people and focus on YOU. That is the only relationship you have power over.

+1

Especially if you have some kind of mom-son relationship, and she is always right - NOT healthy at ALL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your example of her losing her temper is an email where she says she'll resubmit a form but is not pleased she has to do so because it was lost by the daycare, I'm not sure you've ever met someone with a temper.

It's not about losing a temper though that happens too. It's about harping on a point that should be let go.

Daycare email 1: We're sorry but we can't find this form. Can you please resubmit it?
DH reply 1: Yes, we'll take care of it.
DW reply 1: Why did you lose this form? We submitted it on date X? This is really frustrating because we submitted it already. (Probably unnecessary email.)
Daycare reply: I'm really sorry about this but we don't have it. Please drop off another copy when you can.
DW reply 2: I know you can't find it, but we submitted it. It's really frustrating that we have to do this again. (DEFINITELY unnecessary email.)

Maybe you're right and you're just not explaining it well, but it honestly feels like you're the one making this a bigger deal than it has to be. DW email 1: giving them the date so they can check their email for the form. Email 2: She has to reply to the email since they restated the request, but there's no reason the reply has to be "No problemo!" It was frustrating. This is not a big deal, and the fact that you're holding it up as a character defect in your wife and insisting it's proof that she's mean to people is weird.

Example 1: the guy messed up twice and she insisted it be fixed.
Example 2: the daycare messed up and she said it was frustrating to have to resubmit the form when both parties acknowledge you've already done so.

I'm just not seeing anything that calls for an anonymous internet thread about how embarrassing she is. I'm with the PP who was expecting to read about a real piece of work when I saw the thread title, but there's just no there there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

It is not about daycare harming my kids. It is simply recognizing that the form is lost, you have no choice other to the complete another one, and so OK maybe you express displeasure once, but twice after someone has apologized? What is the point? It's a stupid form that takes two minutes to fill out. Some things just need to be let go of. They take care of our kids all day. Have some understanding a form got lost. It's not worth TWO replies expressing displeasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

It is not about daycare harming my kids. It is simply recognizing that the form is lost, you have no choice other to the complete another one, and so OK maybe you express displeasure once, but twice after someone has apologized? What is the point? It's a stupid form that takes two minutes to fill out. Some things just need to be let go of. They take care of our kids all day. Have some understanding a form got lost. It's not worth TWO replies expressing displeasure.

If there was ever a better example of an OP needing to take their own advice, I can't think of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

It is not about daycare harming my kids. It is simply recognizing that the form is lost, you have no choice other to the complete another one, and so OK maybe you express displeasure once, but twice after someone has apologized? What is the point? It's a stupid form that takes two minutes to fill out. Some things just need to be let go of. They take care of our kids all day. Have some understanding a form got lost. It's not worth TWO replies expressing displeasure.

The point is to let them know that you expect them to act like the professionals that they are. If it was a form that is needed, they had no reason to lose it. If she acted this way about a missing sippy cup or crayon I'd agree with you.

I'm firmly with your wife in the examples you gave, and think you need to learn to step it up and be a bit more assertive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re a guy, right, OP?

Sometimes women have to be aggressive to be taken seriously and get what they want. Frustrating, but true.

This.

If she was yelling or screaming, that would be out of bounds.

But women get taken advantage of, especially with contractors, when they're nice and sweet. We have to be aggressive and firm to be taken seriously.

OP here. I agree with this. But she was not the one dealing with the contractor. Why does she intervene in what I am doing? Does she think I am inept?

As another example, daycare, where we have happily been sending our children from infancy through pre-k, emailed about a form that we completed but they lost and wanted us to complete again. I replied first and said OK we would complete it again. I thought that was sufficient. DW replied next and gave the date we completed it and asked why they lost it. I thought the email was snippy. The director replied back and apologized but said they can't find it. Rather than leave it alone, DW replied again and said we would complete the form but expressed displeasure at the form being lost. The form takes two minutes to complete and the center is dealing with how to navigate COVID, so I can understand they may have misplaced a form. So was it necessary to give them a hard time about it? And was it necessary to get involved after my email saying we'll take care of it?

You do sound a little bit like a doormat, tbh. The first guy didn't come on the day he was supposed to, and then did the wrong thing when he did show up, and you were explaining that you'd prefer he do what you actually asked for. The second example she's the one who submitted the form judging by the fact that she knew the exact date it was submitted. Of course it's only 2 minutes to fill out in your mind, because it's her time you're being free with.

In my experience if she thought you could or would handle it she'd step back. But she's not going to let a contractor walk all over you guys for a third visit so you can feel like you're buddies with a guy who works with his hands and there's nothing remotely wrong with the fact that she expressed displeasure that they'd lost a form. It's unprofessional to require forms from parents and then lose them and require they be resubmitted.

Actually I completed the form and it did take two minutes. However, what purpose does expressing displeasure about the form, not once but twice after someone has apologized, serve? The action has no productive purpose. The form is lost, they apologized, and you have to complete another one. It only serves to irritate someone who takes care of your children all day.

Were you abused as akid? In both your examples you become accomodaitng and don't stand up for yourself because you are afraid of the other party causing harm.

It is not about daycare harming my kids. It is simply recognizing that the form is lost, you have no choice other to the complete another one, and so OK maybe you express displeasure once, but twice after someone has apologized? What is the point? It's a stupid form that takes two minutes to fill out. Some things just need to be let go of. They take care of our kids all day. Have some understanding a form got lost. It's not worth TWO replies expressing displeasure.

This is your opinion. Clearly your wife thinks differently. What in your opinion is worth expressing displeasure.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you have a contract?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to step it up in the examples you gave your wife was right to push back and push back hard like she did.

I was expecting an example of her snapping and cussing out people in stores for not having her favorite teas or having to wait for 5 minutes inline or other nonsense.

+1

If she were a guy and were pushing back, would you be so embarassed? Unless she was hostile or insanely aggressive, she seems fine?

[Anonymous]

OP you are right, and not a doormat. Your wife is like all the pp's in this thread. She's self important and bitchy.

And yes, if it was a man behaving like OPs wife, I wouldn't put up with it. Obviously, if women have to go to such extremes to get things done, she's doing it wrong.

[Anonymous]

I dated this woman, OP. Quickly moved on.