DW loses temper with people and I am embarrassed

[Anonymous]

This is something my DH would say. What he won’t tell you is that he is a church mouse and never advocates for himself or his family. He always leaves something unfinished, forgets to mention xyz, etc. I often have to follow up or do it myself. I have a demanding career. He does not. He buckles under pressure every time and it’s frustrating. He’s sweet and gentle and kind so I understand that but it’s still frustrating sometimes. I do love him and understand our different approaches. I’m the high achiever and have told him that I just can’t turn that off at home. He wanted a wife who worked and he got one along with the personality required to be a high achieving female in the business world.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she doesn't suffer fools lightly. Only a problem if you are a fool.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you OP. Your wife creates unnecessary tensions around her, and you. Plus she disrespects you if she attacks after Your interlocutor after you have already taken the decision not to make a big deal out of something.

Not sure you can change her level of agressivity (although I would calmly voice that you find it embarrassing and unwarranted) but as a minimum you should set clear boundaries regarding how she treats you. Make it clear that she shouldn’t undermine you. It is important

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP. Your wife creates unnecessary tensions around her, and you. Plus she disrespects you if she attacks after Your interlocutor after you have already taken the decision not to make a big deal out of something.

Not sure you can change her level of agressivity (although I would calmly voice that you find it embarrassing and unwarranted) but as a minimum you should set clear boundaries regarding how she treats you. Make it clear that she shouldn’t undermine you. It is important

And I am a type A DW for what it’s Worth. I can be like your wife sometimes. But I keep that in check because I witnessed my mom being like that and I found it insufferable. My dad was the sweet diplomatic man. Yes sometimes he would be a doormat and it was good that my mother stood up for her family. But she ended up losing her temper too much. One can be strong AND polite, diplomatic and kind.

[Anonymous]

I know someone like that. Everything is a big deal. They always have people who cut them out of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to advocate more, faster.

This.

Stop being pushover and putting your family last and your image first. I can’t only imagine someone like you at a bonus pool discussion, or trying to motivate a teen or athlete.

It’s ok to be disappointed and say so when someone you are paying a service for let’s you down. That’s normal.

Attacking others for having a normal feeling or reaction when let down, is not normal. Grow up. You step it up and everyone around you will be able to step it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

I would never piss off the people that care for (or teach) my children or make my food.

That’s just stupid on her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

I would never piss off the people that care for (or teach) my children or make my food.

That’s just stupid on her part.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

I would never piss off the people that care for (or teach) my children or make my food.

That’s just stupid on her part.

+1

There's no indication that the daycare director was pissed off by hearing "it's frustrating to have to complete this form again because you lost the first one we submitted," nor should they be. Based on his descriptions it doesn't sound like OP's wife "lost her temper" in either instance, he just seems like kind of a Nervous Nellie who gets anxiety in social situations. I think it might be worth him starting a conversation with her about how uncomfortable these instances made him feel, but because he has this need to frame it as "because you're so aggressive and hateful" instead of taking a step back and realizing that no lines were actually crossed, I doubt the conversation would be particularly productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are right, and not a doormat. Your wife is like all the pp's in this thread. She's self important and bitchy.

And yes, if it was a man behaving like OPs wife, I wouldn't put up with it. Obviously, if women have to go to such extremes to get things done, she's doing it wrong.

misogyny

I'm a woman, and have plenty of friends who are women. Only one is as I described. It's hard interacting with her, sometimes maddening, but I always tell her I love her and I do. Don't you know women who are bitchy and self important, pp?

[Anonymous]

I’m on team OP. Wife sounds a bit off the rails.

[Anonymous]

I’m on team OP as well. My husband is like this, and it’s because he is controlling and has anger issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

I would never piss off the people that care for (or teach) my children or make my food.

That’s just stupid on her part.

+1

There's no indication that the daycare director was pissed off by hearing "it's frustrating to have to complete this form again because you lost the first one we submitted," nor should they be. Based on his descriptions it doesn't sound like OP's wife "lost her temper" in either instance, he just seems like kind of a Nervous Nellie who gets anxiety in social situations. I think it might be worth him starting a conversation with her about how uncomfortable these instances made him feel, but because he has this need to frame it as "because you're so aggressive and hateful" instead of taking a step back and realizing that no lines were actually crossed, I doubt the conversation would be particularly productive.

Her repetitiveness on the same issue sure puts her in the “PIA column”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team OP as well. My husband is like this, and it’s because he is controlling and has anger issues.

My XH was like this. He was just generally a very unhappy man in general and he took it out on anyone and everyone. Sounds like the OP’s wife is unhappy- you don’t demean people or treat them poorly if you’re happy and well adjusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is something my DH would say. What he won’t tell you is that he is a church mouse and never advocates for himself or his family. He always leaves something unfinished, forgets to mention xyz, etc. I often have to follow up or do it myself. I have a demanding career. He does not. He buckles under pressure every time and it’s frustrating. He’s sweet and gentle and kind so I understand that but it’s still frustrating sometimes. I do love him and understand our different approaches. I’m the high achiever and have told him that I just can’t turn that off at home. He wanted a wife who worked and he got one along with the personality required to be a high achieving female in the business world.

This is exactly the scenario I'm imagining. My husband is always the nice guy because he doesn't like confrontation. So I have to be the one who makes sure stiff gets done and we don't get taken advantage of. Frankly I'm like the PP who has coffee and snacks for ppl who work in our house but if you arent being professional (as the counterparties in both OP's examples weren't), then I'm going to ler you know that I expect better. My husband would never give me a hard time.about this because he knows this saves him being the bad guy.

This OP seems more worried about other people's feelings instead of his own family.