My kid told me I’m a “sh***y mom”

[Anonymous]

My life is a disaster. I have 3 kids 9DD, 8DS and 6DD. I will admit that I am not the most nurturing mother, I am a scientist and the flowery stuff does not come natural to me. My youngest had cancer and is now thankfully in remission but is super needy due to her rough start at life. My DS has severe ADHD(he is medicated) and is having extreme behavior issues. These two take up all my time and energy. My DH is worthless and doesn’t help at all, he will spend the entire day avoiding any kind of housework or kid related task.

My oldest is relative easy compared to the younger two but she is extremely argumentative and sassy. I asked her to come unload the dishwasher she said said she was busy and I yelled at her to come do it now. She didn’t come so I told her she was grounded from the iPad. She walked in and started arguing with me why her brother/sister never have to anything (not true) the argument between us got very heated and she screamed “you are such a shitty mom!!” and ran to her room.

I don’t even know what to do. I am not a great mom, but these kids sure don’t make it easy either. I feel like my entire life is falling apart and my oldest basically called me out on it.

[Anonymous]

I had a sibling that took up my parent's attention too - constant psychiatry and medical appointments, problems at school etc. I recognize then and now that they were doing the best they could to ensure that sibling had a good start at life.

But as the child who didn't make waves and excelled at school, it pretty much sucked to be overlooked, not taken into consideration as much, asked to do chores I knew they wouldn't offer to the 'mentally unstable' one etc.

Its unfair. Your child recognizes that and it sounds like you're not listening to their concerns.

[Anonymous]

Nah, it’s the age and love of screens. My 9 year old acts the same way, although he wouldn’t dare curse- he says I’m mean and it’s unfair. Make a chore chart and stick to your consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah, it’s the age and love of screens. My 9 year old acts the same way, although he wouldn’t dare curse- he says I’m mean and it’s unfair. Make a chore chart and stick to your consequence.

I call BS. It’s 4:48 am and you’re on your screen calling out a kid in an objectively difficult home situation. Is it an innate lack of empathy or is it your love screens?

This is a tough dynamic because as the oldest girl, parents subconsciously already demand more household chores. That combined with the other kids issues means her parents probably don’t even notice how much more they’re asking of her. She’s still a kid. And I bet it stings to always be the one being the one getting yelled at for chores when her brother and baby sister get praise just for existing.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still with your Dh if he’s such a crappy husband? Does he interact with your kids? Why isn’t the oldest calling him a s—ty dad?

Here’s the thing—kids don’t like chores. But they have to do them. Kids don’t like when things are unfair. But life is sometimes unfair.

If I were you I would take the argument out of the chores by making a chore chart that’s visual. So everyone know what their expectations are each day and they won’t be surprised by a “hey can you put away the dishes” but ALSO so that they can see they’re not the only one doing chores. And heck maybe it’ll be good for your Dh to see he doesn’t do much of anything at all and it’ll be a wake up call for him.

[Anonymous]

Agree with chore chart, and, life isn't fair, and the sooner the kids all realize it the better. I make it very clear in our house that every kid has different wants and needs, and all of them will have all of their needs met, and some of their wants.

The one who has ADHD didn't want that, the one with cancer didn't want that, and if you lean on the third a little more, it's because you know they can handle it. And, because YOU need more help.

I would make sure your husband is on the chore chart too. Also make clear what the consequence is for all if they miss their chore by the designated time. Have to do an extra chore that mom usually does?

And, I would also be clear when you present the chore chart, tell them all you are overwhelmed and need their help! It's not like you're doling out chores as punishment, just that the household needs to work together to succeed and you don't think it's happening so you are making it clear to all what does need to happen.

[Anonymous]

Mom of 2 sons and used a rotating chore chart. With the kids input, I negotiated the time of day that chores needed to be completed. For example, if you run your dishwasher each evening after dinner, then dishwasher needed to be emptied by 9 AM. The benefit of a chore chart is that it gives your child control and independence. It totally ended the “I did it last time.”

I am sorry for the run in with your DD. Her helpfulness is needed because of your other 2 kids. I would apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a sibling that took up my parent's attention too - constant psychiatry and medical appointments, problems at school etc. I recognize then and now that they were doing the best they could to ensure that sibling had a good start at life.

But as the child who didn't make waves and excelled at school, it pretty much sucked to be overlooked, not taken into consideration as much, asked to do chores I knew they wouldn't offer to the 'mentally unstable' one etc.

Its unfair. Your child recognizes that and it sounds like you're not listening to their concerns.

This pp hit the nail on the head. There is time to salvage the relationship. If things don't improve, then you sassy 9 year old will soon be a nightmarish teen.

[Anonymous]

I would say any mom who cared for a child through cancer and managed to get one with severe SNs the help he needs, all the while with a selfish jerk of a DH is not a crappy mom at all, but could very well be a seriously traumatized one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say any mom who cared for a child through cancer and managed to get one with severe SNs the help he needs, all the while with a selfish jerk of a DH is not a crappy mom at all, but could very well be a seriously traumatized one.

NP: can you say more about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, it’s the age and love of screens. My 9 year old acts the same way, although he wouldn’t dare curse- he says I’m mean and it’s unfair. Make a chore chart and stick to your consequence.

I call BS. It’s 4:48 am and you’re on your screen calling out a kid in an objectively difficult home situation. Is it an innate lack of empathy or is it your love screens?

This is a tough dynamic because as the oldest girl, parents subconsciously already demand more household chores. That combined with the other kids issues means her parents probably don’t even notice how much more they’re asking of her. She’s still a kid. And I bet it stings to always be the one being the one getting yelled at for chores when her brother and baby sister get praise just for existing.

Absolutely-but I will also second the first poster and say the age IS compounding it. Throw distance learning on top of it and this kid has a lot of pressure between siblings, hormones, and covid weirdness. Just like you do too! You’re not a shitty mom, you’re a stressed out mom trying to cope with more than a person should have to. Something is always going to slide-but it is critical that it isn’t always your oldest kid.

Is there any way to carve out some time for the two of you to spend time together? I know you said DH isn’t helping with the house, but can he deal with the other two for an hour while you and your daughter go do something once a week? You need some time with her that isn’t chores or school or yelling.

[Anonymous]

It’s kind of funny, I’m not going to lie. Kids say crazy things and bad things but honestly, there is usually some truth within it. You need to sit down (when everyone is calm) and figure out why she said what she said and try to understand how she feels. You are assuming it is because of the other two kids but you do not really know unless you ask her why she said that and figure out how she felt at the time and how she feels over all. Now, if she said it’s because of the other two kids and you do not spend time with her, then please find time with her she is wanting your love and attention. I get the other two take up a lot of physical and mental time but she too needs four physical and mental time. Don’t ask your husband to help, just tell him what to do. “Larla and I are having a daughter day date, you are watching the other two kids from 4-8pm.” Now, if she says she said what she said because you interrupted her ipad time, then you need to explain to her that chores must be done as family unit, however, talk to her about a good warning time to come down and do chores. I don’t get why parents tell kids to do things now. The dishwasher could have waited five minutes.... I will be damned if my husband told me to do something now and I jump. My son does whatever the hell I say but I do give him a heads up. “In ten minutes, make sure you come down to take the trash out.”

[Anonymous]

Dialectical behavioral therapy. Learn how to communicate with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say any mom who cared for a child through cancer and managed to get one with severe SNs the help he needs, all the while with a selfish jerk of a DH is not a crappy mom at all, but could very well be a seriously traumatized one.

NP: can you say more about this?

PP here. OP blames herself for not being "nurturing" and "not a good mother" but the very facts of her post belie that. A bad mother doesn't nurse a child through cancer and does not get a child with severe SNs the help he needs. She's the opposite of a bad mother; she has done more and harder things than many mothers will ever face. (And that's not even considering the jerky DH.) Basically the facts of the situation show OP has severely distorted thinking.

So why the distorted thinking? Lots of reasons possible, but I think trauma or possibly even lingering PTSD from the grueling and terrifying years prior to now could be a possibility. It's not unusual for parents of severely ill children to have significant associated trauma. It is also, it must be noted, not unusual for siblings to also experience trauma.

I think that OP needs to show herself a little grace and care and kindness as a start, and work on recognizing that she has distorted thinking. I think she should work with a counselor experienced in grief and severely ill children. And then, she needs to give her DD the same grace and help and kindness, and maybe her DH too, who may be coping badly in his own way.

OP has been through trauma, and so has the rest of the family. The way to move forward is to recognize that first, not to focus first on a bad day from a little girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say any mom who cared for a child through cancer and managed to get one with severe SNs the help he needs, all the while with a selfish jerk of a DH is not a crappy mom at all, but could very well be a seriously traumatized one.

NP: can you say more about this?

PP here. OP blames herself for not being "nurturing" and "not a good mother" but the very facts of her post belie that. A bad mother doesn't nurse a child through cancer and does not get a child with severe SNs the help he needs. She's the opposite of a bad mother; she has done more and harder things than many mothers will ever face. (And that's not even considering the jerky DH.) Basically the facts of the situation show OP has severely distorted thinking.

So why the distorted thinking? Lots of reasons possible, but I think trauma or possibly even lingering PTSD from the grueling and terrifying years prior to now could be a possibility. It's not unusual for parents of severely ill children to have significant associated trauma. It is also, it must be noted, not unusual for siblings to also experience trauma.

I think that OP needs to show herself a little grace and care and kindness as a start, and work on recognizing that she has distorted thinking. I think she should work with a counselor experienced in grief and severely ill children. And then, she needs to give her DD the same grace and help and kindness, and maybe her DH too, who may be coping badly in his own way.

OP has been through trauma, and so has the rest of the family. The way to move forward is to recognize that first, not to focus first on a bad day from a little girl.

Hear hear! Great, compassionate analysis. It's not too late, by a long shot OP. Your kids are still young, and you can turn this around. You sound overwhelmed and under resourced (I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about things like help from a spouse, and access to good therapy.) I agree you need therapy in order to process all that has happened in your time as as a mom, and/or family therapy for the whole group. Each one of your kids has their own issues they are working through (youngest in remission from cancer, middle adhd, oldest feels left behind) and family therapy could heal lots of these dynamics. So many people think we live in these bubbles, impervious to our lived experiences. You are yelling about the dishwasher because you have pent up and unresolved fear/anger etc. Who wouldn't with the experiences you have described? And this isn't "flowery stuff." Working on your feelings and helping your kids recognize and work on theirs is the only way through this.

And dont listen to the bootstrappers on here saying your kids are brats/you're a crappy mom, they need chore charts, etc. That is just more of the same band-aid parenting that got you here. Assuming a kid who has seen her youngest sibling battle cancer and her middle sibling have severe behavior issues is a brat for not unloading the dishwasher is an unwillingness to see the child as a thinking/feeling human with a lived experience that needs honoring.