Reply to My kid told me I’m a “sh***y mom”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would say any mom who cared for a child through cancer and managed to get one with severe SNs the help he needs, all the while with a selfish jerk of a DH is not a crappy mom at all, but could very well be a seriously traumatized one. [/quote]

NP: can you say more about this?[/quote]

PP here. OP blames herself for not being "nurturing" and "not a good mother" but the very facts of her post belie that. A bad mother doesn't nurse a child through cancer and does not get a child with severe SNs the help he needs. She's the opposite of a bad mother; she has done more and harder things than many mothers will ever face. (And that's not even considering the jerky DH.) Basically the facts of the situation show OP has severely distorted thinking.

So why the distorted thinking? Lots of reasons possible, but I think trauma or possibly even lingering PTSD from the grueling and terrifying years prior to now could be a possibility. It's not unusual for parents of severely ill children to have significant associated trauma. It is also, it must be noted, not unusual for siblings to also experience trauma.

I think that OP needs to show herself a little grace and care and kindness as a start, and work on recognizing that she has distorted thinking. I think she should work with a counselor experienced in grief and severely ill children. And then, she needs to give her DD the same grace and help and kindness, and maybe her DH too, who may be coping badly in his own way.

OP has been through trauma, and so has the rest of the family. The way to move forward is to recognize that first, not to focus first on a bad day from a little girl. [/quote]

Hear hear! Great, compassionate analysis.  It's not too late, by a long shot OP.  Your kids are still young, and you can turn this around.  You sound overwhelmed and under resourced (I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about things like help from a spouse, and access to good therapy.)  I agree you need therapy in order to process all that has happened in your time as as a mom, and/or family therapy for the whole group.  Each one of your kids has their own issues they are working through (youngest in remission from cancer, middle adhd, oldest feels left behind) and family therapy could heal lots of these dynamics.  So many people think we live in these bubbles, impervious to our lived experiences.  You are yelling about the dishwasher because you have pent up and unresolved fear/anger etc.  Who wouldn't with the experiences you have described? And this isn't "flowery stuff."  Working on your feelings and helping your kids recognize and work on theirs is the only way through this.

And dont listen to the bootstrappers on here saying your kids are brats/you're a crappy mom, they need chore charts, etc. That is just more of the same band-aid parenting that got you here. Assuming a kid who has seen her youngest sibling battle cancer and her middle sibling have severe behavior issues is a brat for not unloading the dishwasher is an unwillingness to see the child as a thinking/feeling human with a lived experience that needs honoring. [/quote]

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