My kid told me I’m a “sh***y mom”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as the other two have been a handful for you, we always have to remember the other kids have needs too. Sometimes all it takes is acknowledgment that it is hard to be the sibling of a child with with special needs, but sometimes it is useful to find a therapist, or even the school counselor, who can be an outside the family adult for the child to share feelings and frustrations about the situation without guilt.

OP, you are no a sh***y mom. You're a mom who loves her kids and is dealing with a lot.

I'm a middle kid, but I was kind of your oldest DD being the only one out of three without high needs/health problems etc. While I came to understand how my parents were doing the best they could, it still takes a toll to be the emotionally neglected child. I don't know all the things my parents could have done to make it better, but one thing that would have gone a long way was a little affection and recognition. I didn't receive a lot of either.

I think if you consciously spent even 5-10 min just being kind to your oldest, asking her about things in her life, letting her know you're proud of her...it will pay off a lot in the long run. Maybe also confide in her (in an age appropriate way) how you feel sometimes. If you are tired, let her know you're tired. If you yell at her, apologize since that's never the best way to handle something. Tell her you know that.

Also, be kind to yourself. You're not a bad mom. You're overwhelmed and being asked to do a lot. Approach this as simply a way to love your DD and give her what she needs.

After she had one SN child then she should never have had another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is a bad mother to her oldest child. SHe can be a good mother to two others, but her oldest clearly knows she is neglected. Take this to heart op, do things with your eldest, one on one. Why is she a Cinderella?

Op is not a “bad mother” for having her capable child do chores and and it does not make her daughter a “Cinderella” because she does more chores than her SN siblings. It is good for children to do chores (research has shown this) and most kids complain about doing them and think their mothers are awful, abusive, etc when they make their kids do them. That’s why it is soooo much easier to do it yourself. The difference in this situation is that OP has had a hard go of it and feels bad for not giving this child as much attention as the SN kids, and so took the adolescent gripe seriously.

Anyway, it’s ok that she thinks it’s unfair (I’d remind her it’s unfair that her siblings got cancer/ADHD too), but she can’t disrespect you like that OP.

No. She is not a bad mother. She is a horrible mother
The daughter should not suffer because of the other two. I had a friend in school who younger sister was always sick and had Down syndrome. By the time she was grown she hated her mother and didn't she'd a tear or go to funeral service of either her sister or mother.

Your daughter is neither your maid nor babysitter, OP. Empty your own damn dishwasher!

It’s actually really bad for kids to not do chores. If you don’t give your kids chores, you’re depriving them of the opportunity to learn to work toward a common goal, gain pride in having completed a task, and recognizing that basic living creates work. It’s “bad” parents who don’t make their kids do chores, if we want to categorize parents into good and bad (which is absurd).

[Anonymous]

I mean it doesn’t sound like you’re a great mom. Not everyone is good at being parent, and it sure sounds like you’re not about to win parent of the year anytime soon. Be mad at yourself, not your kid for telling the truth. That would be a great first step towards improving yourself

[Anonymous]

OP maybe you should find a forum for parents of special needs kids. I don’t know what’s with the posters here but they don’t seem to understand a) the importance of making kids do chores and b) the difficulties of raising siblings of special needs kids. You aren’t getting a lot of great advice.

[Anonymous]

The only one I feel bad for is your kid for having to deal with you and your useless husband. And now you’ll probably resent her because she has shined a spotlight on your inadequacies. Give her back her iPad, at the least, for all she’s putting up with from y’all. In fact, give her a beer and let her choose what to watch on tv, cause it sounds like she’s basically the only functional one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a sibling that took up my parent's attention too - constant psychiatry and medical appointments, problems at school etc. I recognize then and now that they were doing the best they could to ensure that sibling had a good start at life.

But as the child who didn't make waves and excelled at school, it pretty much sucked to be overlooked, not taken into consideration as much, asked to do chores I knew they wouldn't offer to the 'mentally unstable' one etc.

Its unfair. Your child recognizes that and it sounds like you're not listening to their concerns.

This pp hit the nail on the head. There is time to salvage the relationship. If things don't improve, then you sassy 9 year old will soon be a nightmarish teen.

+1. I am that oldest child in another couple decades. I'm still resentful and it still negatively impacts our relationship (both parents).

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she gets punished more harshly than her siblings. The youngest one is younger and therefore due to age held to a different standard of responsibility bios plus was sick. The oldest sounds like a behavior problem. Do you expect the eight year old to unload the dishwasher and if he did not do it would you ground him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you should find a forum for parents of special needs kids. I don’t know what’s with the posters here but they don’t seem to understand a) the importance of making kids do chores and b) the difficulties of raising siblings of special needs kids. You aren’t getting a lot of great advice.

Oh please. It sounds like OP is doing fine handling her special needs kids. They get all the attention and understanding. What she’s failing at is being a mother to her daughter. This is not about doing chores. OP did not even bother to stop and have a 5 minute conversation with her daughter that unloading the dishwasher would be her job every morning. She expected to bark orders to come help her “right NOW” abd she didn’t care what she was doing or what was going in her life. The daughter gets zero understanding. And at 9 she’s able to recognize that her mom just wants her to shut up and not make waves. I agree that it’s incredibly hard to be a mom to special needs kids. What OP needs to stop doing is relying on her 9 year old daughter as a support system. She’s just a little girl. She needs a mom too.

[Anonymous]

My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Give her up for adoption to somrone.will.love her and treat
like a valuable human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Np. How about treat her with more kindness? The diswasher did not have to be unloaded right then. You need to be more kind to your dd or she may never want a clse relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Give her up for adoption to somrone.will.love her and treat
like a valuable human being.

Holy shit! You're a monster PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

No, you don’t need her help. She. Is. 9. Years. Old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Np. How about treat her with more kindness? The diswasher did not have to be unloaded right then. You need to be more kind to your dd or she may never want a clse relationship with you.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Why do you expect more help out of your nine-year-old daughter than you do out of your husband? He’s the shitty one in this situation