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[quote=Anonymous]Trying to figure that out.  Though my spouse didn’t spend any money on her and it wasn’t a grand love affair—just banged her once or twice a month for quite some time.  He didn’t see her outside of that hour, not in real life.  Their paths never crossed.Since it was one lunch hour twice a month max and also months where they went without seeing each other—none of this “I can’t live without you” which is what we had when we met” it was never “love”.  It was a No-strings situation.  Which, yes, is totally awful too—for both of them to do to their spouses.

OP, I know the horror of it all. I’m living it currently. I also dropped 10 pounds on a body that did not need to lose any weight.  I couldn’t sleep for months.  My job suffered as I couldn’t concentrate or focus.  It’s 8 months out and I still get sick to my stomach at the thought of it.  Mind movies will pop up, less often now.  Now it’s more—-how could you do this to me?  How could you lie so well...and why? We had a very active sex life,

Op- Did he tell you or did you discover it? My spouse had already broken it off with her but he hadn’t confessed it.  I found out.  I’m not sure if he would have.  He was discussing that with a therapist already by the time I found out.

It depends on your spouse’s sincerity and remorse and willing to work at the “why”.  And work at the “why” very hard and re-examine his priorities and values and learn new stress coping mechanisms, address childhood trauma/attachment issues.  And, of course, how you feel and what the marriage was like prior matters a great deal.  Do you truly love each other? Are you good partners/parents? Are you good friends?  In my case, we had 24 years together and so much happiness prior.  There is a solid foundation with a lot of love and respect (as crazy as that sounds for what he did).

You both need individual counseling.  I am finally starting mine.  I was shell shocked and didn’t have the energy prior.  Then, you will need couple’s counseling.  The transparency, of course, is a given—but I already had spouse’s phone and email passwords.  That’s a false sense of security because there are so many ways around that so the “work” is what’s important.  You will never be able to constantly track someone and who wants a life of surveillance.  So- that means him really working on his issues and staying with therapy and earning trust.  As our therapist said, guard rails are a must when rebuilding.  And—a vasectomy and post-nup also help:).

I’m so sorry.  Nobody knows the pain or what they would really do unless they have experienced it themselves.  When you have spent half your life with somebody and have kids and a lot of joy—if he fixes the source of the problem—are you and the kids better off divorced when you truly have great love for one another?  I don’t think divorce ends the pain.

I don’t know, but it’s something you don’t need to decide today.  It is very common, but nobody talks about it.  Many have no idea their spouse is cheating. I certainly didn’t and had zero reason to even question it.

Big hugs.  With Covid and the holidays, it really sucks to be going through it.[/quote]

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