H and I aren’t on the same page for parenting....

[Anonymous]

We aren’t even in the same book.

I’ve mostly given up on establishing any sort of rules or boundaries. We have one DD4.

I sleep trained her, H decided to start cosleeping. I cook healthy meals, he makes her a separate dish of mac and cheese. I minimize snacks so that DD will eat healthy food, he gives her candy multiple times a day. I tried to set appropriate toy limits, he buys her new ones multiple times a week (and now we have toys literally everywhere).

I just gave up on any sort of parenting because I’d deal with constant tantrums from both of them. There are days where it’s literally non-stop tantrums from DD all day long. I totally get that kids have tantrums, but it’s such a frequent thing that I don’t even want to be around DD anymore. I’ll pick her up from daycare and it’s nonstop crying for candy until dad gets home and he gives her some.

If I say anything to H, he gets upset that I’m controlling his parenting and tells me not to tell him how to raise his child.

When H goes out of town for a few days, or when I get DD out of the house away from him for a day, she’s actually very pleasant to be around and a lot of fun.

Anyone else been there? What did you do?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a sense of where this is coming from? What was his childhood like?

[Anonymous]

Wow, this sounds awful. I imagine some of his parenting decisions are okay (I coslept with one if mh kid) but some of these are terrible, and I think that maybe even worse than that is he is undermining you at every turn. It’s really disrespectful. Sounds like he needs to go back to square on on how to be a good partner before you can tackle the parenting but.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both could benefit from some continued couples counseling to learn basic communication and negotiation skills. The level of resentment building with both of you is toxic. If you don’t deal with this now, you’re on your way to divorce or worse, a really miserable marriage. You both contribute to this, and you both need to be open to fixing this for your daughter’s sake.

[Anonymous]

I mean this in a good way, OP, but it sounds like you are looking for a validation that your parenting choices are good and those of your husband are bad. That’s not the issue here. The real issue is that you two are not on the same page and rather than solving the problem with communication, you engage in (passive) aggressive and damaging behavior. This will damage your marriage and ultimately your child that you both seem to care about so much. So please, OP, seek therapy. Be open to compromise. No candy and no presents will damage your child as much as a divorce. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Wow. I think you need to to have a huge discussion with DH when DD is not around. Maybe some compromising. Like if she eats her dinner he can give her candy.....but its not a snack. Maybe on Saturdays it could be a special snack? I would try and meet in the middle with him and then parent the same way. DD is going to be a complete nightmare otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, she is 4. Your husband isn’t going to change at this point. Call a good attorney and get as much custody as you can. It may go 50/50 but at least for 50% of her life she can learn how to survive in this world. Usually parents who are like that don’t really care about their kids - just picks the easiest way out to get the kid to shut up - candy, toy, etc. So it’s possible he won’t want 50/50 and then your child has a chance of turning out ok. It’s time to step up.

[Anonymous]

OP this sounds a lot like my DH who is a good father but cant stop himself from spoiling our kids. It is more pronounced when he is working longer hours and Im guessing feels guilty. Since I knew I didnt want to do the extra presents/candy/screen time as a normality I made it seem like a reward so to speak. If you listen to mommy today Larlo then you can have the candy daddy brings home---if not it goes in a special bin and then you can try again the next day. I spend some time each weekend "thinning" the toys Larla is either done with or not interested in and then we donate it to a charity together (harder in pandemic times). I know daddy will allow them screen time when he gets home so I wait to use this time to cook dinner/clean/take a shower/exc.

In the end, I just accepted that this was how my DH was and found a way around it that made it appear we were on the same page so the kids wouldnt whine constantly if that makes sense?

[Anonymous]

^wanted to add that undoing the sleep training would have driven me bonkers though

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling and you pick and choose your battles. We co-sleep (mutual decision) and it’s nowhere near as “bad” as candy or junky meals or screen time.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you let him deal with the consequences of his actions? My DH used to rile my kids up at bedtime. I started going out, and letting him deal with them being super worked up. It magically stopped.

What do you think would happen if you left for a week?

[Anonymous]

It’s so, so bad for the child to get two different sets of parenting styles and rules. Can’t he see that she needs boundaries? Can you compromise and agree on a set of rules and then agree to be consistent consistent consistent? Can you get the pediatrician involved in weighing in on a few of the most important areas, and get her to explain why it’s important to do X?

Parenting disagreements are a problem in my marriage, too, so I know how frustrating it can be.

[Anonymous]

Lot of good suggestions here PP.

The crux is you have to figure out if he is purposely going against everything you want or if truly just cant help himself. The latter can be solved be communication and some tricks mentioned above. The first is a bigger problem that goes to the core of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Damn. This is rough, I'm sorry OP.

I would start with a come-to-jesus convo, especially if most of your discussion on this have been acute - "don't give her candy right now, she doesn't need more candy", "don't tell me how to parent" - it's time to take a big step back. Wait until she's asleep and you don't have any other major tasks in front of you. Pour two glasses of wine, sit down, and talk about it. It's KEY that you not go into this conversation with an attitude that your way is the right way and he needs to realize that and get on board. This needs to be about the fact that your parenting styles are DIFFERENT (not better or worse, just different) and you need to get on the same page for your daughter's sake. Sample script:

You: I'm getting worried that as Larla gets older, our parenting styles are really diverging. It feels like we're rarely on the same page about parenting decisions and approach. Have you noticed that?
Him: You need to just let me parent my own way!
You: I understand that you have strong feelings about the best way to parent, and I respect that. But I don't think it's good for Larla to get wildly different approaches from the two of us. Why do you think we're so far apart on our approach?

Then, listen! See what he says. If you can get him to agree that having a unified approach would be better, you've made huge progress. Then you've got a few options. You could compromise (maybe candy is limited to one or two pieces a day outside of holidays?), you could pick which options are more important to each of you, and divide and conquer (maybe you can live with the endless toys and cosleeping if he's willing to work with you on healthy meals/no candy), you could take a parenting class and let the guidelines from the class serve as a tie-breaker when you disagree. Look for small wins you can build on!

If you make no progress and he's not willing to meet you in the middle at all, or he won't engage, couples counseling. Cause then you have either a massive communication problem, and a massive disrespect problem. If he won't go, go without him.

[Anonymous]

The OP has been at this for 4 YEARS. There is no way she hasn't had a conversation about this with her DH.