H and I aren’t on the same page for parenting....

[Anonymous]

Did he grow up either poor or with more austere parents? Growing up, toys were a real treat and my parents flat out couldn't afford a lot. The urge to give my kids everything I can is enormous, but you can cut back if that's where he's coming from.

[Anonymous]

How is your kid doing? Is she healthy? happy? Developing appropriately? no cavities? interest and curiosity in the world? Kind? Makes friends (outside of a pandemic)? Not destructive?

Then chill out, OP. These are "first world problems" as they say. You have two concerned parents with very different styles. This is not a reason to break up the family or to lose sleep over.

Mac and cheese is not so bad. Having toys is not terrible. I'd probably push against the candy train, but you've gotta pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^wanted to add that undoing the sleep training would have driven me bonkers though

I am sure I would have gone equally nuts if someone sleep trained my child without my permission. Basically OP put her kid through something that’s pretty traumatic for nothing because she didn’t talk to her spouse first.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you could convince him to give toys and candy once a week for being "good." A regularly scheduled "Friday treat."

[Anonymous]

You could agree to hm bringing home a surprise but only give it to her for being good, and only once a day. (After dinner, or right when he gets home from work.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^wanted to add that undoing the sleep training would have driven me bonkers though

I am sure I would have gone equally nuts if someone sleep trained my child without my permission. Basically OP put her kid through something that’s pretty traumatic for nothing because she didn’t talk to her spouse first.

OP here. It was never traumatic, DD never cried. H and I agreed to do it. I started very young and she could fall asleep in her own room, quickly. When she was 2, H decided it would be fun to let her sleep in bed with us for awhile. I warned him not to, that it would ruin her sleep training, and he got upset I was telling him how to parent.

The fun wore off for him pretty quickly, but the damage was done by that point. He was sick of going to bed with her every evening. I tried getting her to sleep in her own room and was met with huge crying fits that were traumatic. So I stopped and since then, I just go to bed with her because H can't be bothered.

H complains that we never spend time together anymore because I go to bed at 8. I've told him this was his fault and he needs to fix it. He whined that it isn't fair he has to do all the work, I could at least send him some articles. So I bought him a couple books on sleep training preschoolers. Has he even looked at them? Nope.

I guess the frustrating part is that he gets to be the fun parent, and I'm left to deal with the consequences. H even gets angry at me for cooking food DD doesn't like
and has blamed my cooking for DD's constipation problems (he thinks veggies and beans cause her constipation, not the processed junk he feeds her every day)

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions, everyone. Counseling is a great idea, but we've been doing it for years and our communication problems persist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your kid doing? Is she healthy? happy? Developing appropriately? no cavities? interest and curiosity in the world? Kind? Makes friends (outside of a pandemic)? Not destructive?

Then chill out, OP. These are "first world problems" as they say. You have two concerned parents with very different styles. This is not a reason to break up the family or to lose sleep over.

Mac and cheese is not so bad. Having toys is not terrible. I'd probably push against the candy train, but you've gotta pick your battles.

I have the same issue in my marriage. DCUM is all about 1) divorce 2) couples counseling or 3) husbands who are passive to whatever the mom wants.
None of those are what I want/need. I realized that as a mom I expected to rule the roost at home like my SAHM did. Except it’s 2020, my husband is an equally engaged parent, and we both work. The days of mom being the default parent for all parenting decisions are done. So you have to compromise. I started doing some reading and one thing I keep coming back to is - do you want to be right or do you want to be happy/married? For me it’s the latter so I’ve let a lot of stuff slide.

[Anonymous]

I read both of your posts, OP, and it sounds like this is so much about you having to be right. Parenting really isn't so black and white like you are trying to make it sound.

If it were me, I would go ahead and sleep train again rather than go to bed at 8 every night. Basically, your husband admitted that he screwed up. But, we all do from time to time and that doesn't mean that you have to be punished forever for it. And, it sounds like you are better suited to the task.

As for the toys, I would approach it by trying to make a plan to do bigger things that I can't/won't do now because of all of the money that is going to toys. Like getting the whole family bikes. Or planning fun outings and trips.

With the food, given your last post it sounds like you aren't sensitive to your daughter's preferences. Can't you have something in every meal that she likes?

Depending on how frequent it is, the candy would make me crazy. But, if you can minimize the rest of the conflict, you might get somewhere on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you could convince him to give toys and candy once a week for being "good." A regularly scheduled "Friday treat."

Oh that's a far worse parenting technique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^wanted to add that undoing the sleep training would have driven me bonkers though

I am sure I would have gone equally nuts if someone sleep trained my child without my permission. Basically OP put her kid through something that’s pretty traumatic for nothing because she didn’t talk to her spouse first.

OP here. It was never traumatic, DD never cried. H and I agreed to do it. I started very young and she could fall asleep in her own room, quickly. When she was 2, H decided it would be fun to let her sleep in bed with us for awhile. I warned him not to, that it would ruin her sleep training, and he got upset I was telling him how to parent.

The fun wore off for him pretty quickly, but the damage was done by that point. He was sick of going to bed with her every evening. I tried getting her to sleep in her own room and was met with huge crying fits that were traumatic. So I stopped and since then, I just go to bed with her because H can't be bothered.

H complains that we never spend time together anymore because I go to bed at 8. I've told him this was his fault and he needs to fix it. He whined that it isn't fair he has to do all the work, I could at least send him some articles. So I bought him a couple books on sleep training preschoolers. Has he even looked at them? Nope.

I guess the frustrating part is that he gets to be the fun parent, and I'm left to deal with the consequences. H even gets angry at me for cooking food DD doesn't like
and has blamed my cooking for DD's constipation problems (he thinks veggies and beans cause her constipation, not the processed junk he feeds her every day)

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions, everyone. Counseling is a great idea, but we've been doing it for years and our communication problems persist.

You clearly don’t like your husband. Admit it out loud. It will feel better.

[Anonymous]

Four is old enough that you can start teaching her about healthy choices. Say loudly "oh no candy is bad for out teeth, we don't want cavities!" "Yum, this meal is delicious and nutritious!" Sleep train again, get her buy in. Don't respond to tantrums and don't let DH either. Be firm. Say "we're all having roast chicken and carrots tonight, do not offer an alternate dinner." If he buys candy, throw it out. If she comes into your bed, take her hand and walk her back down to her room.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling stat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Four is old enough that you can start teaching her about healthy choices. Say loudly "oh no candy is bad for out teeth, we don't want cavities!" "Yum, this meal is delicious and nutritious!" Sleep train again, get her buy in. Don't respond to tantrums and don't let DH either. Be firm. Say "we're all having roast chicken and carrots tonight, do not offer an alternate dinner." If he buys candy, throw it out. If she comes into your bed, take her hand and walk her back down to her room.

Terrible advice. This kind of parenting inconsistency will confuse your 4yo, and also worsen your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to admit that you feel your parenting decisions are good and right and you’re angry at your husband that he won’t just cave to you as alpha mom and parent. Once you’ve done that, you can figure out how to compromise together. But you have to admit your feelings first. Just because he has different ideas doesn’t make him wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to admit that you feel your parenting decisions are good and right and you’re angry at your husband that he won’t just cave to you as alpha mom and parent. Once you’ve done that, you can figure out how to compromise together. But you have to admit your feelings first. Just because he has different ideas doesn’t make him wrong.

Giving candy all the time is wrong. His ideas are not good.