Is my almost-4 yr old "high needs"?

[Anonymous]

We went to the playground with friends this morning and met up with our friends and their kids (everyone in masks, please don't yell at me about Covid). Their kids are a little older (K and 2nd grade). Our kid is turning 4 in a few weeks and has limited experience with other kids (part-time daycare before Covid, home with us since, plus playdates). He's also an only.

Our friends' kids played with each other and on their own the entire time we were at the playground. They'd go to their parents to ask for a snack or to show them something specific, but were mostly independent.

Our son took turns between my husband and I. He played with DH first, then I took over for a bit, then he just kind of hung out with us and the other adults, playing with a soccer ball that we were kicking between us. It felt like a pretty typical playground visit for us -- he has gone through phases where he's been more independent, but usually wants to play with us most of the time.

As we were leaving, my friend commented that it seems like he's really attached to us and used the phrase "high needs". I agree he's very attached, and certainly see how his separation anxiety has gotten worse during Covid. But it doesn't seem that odd to me -- he's always been pretty attached and is an only. I figured once he starts school there will be a transition and then he'll become more independent. His behavior doesn't seem out of step with other 3/4 year olds, but then I've only had one kid so I guess I don't really know what's typical.

I'm work at home (even during non-covid times) so have been with him since he was born. DH has been working from home since March. He gets lots of one-on-one time with both of us, though he does play on his own for 30-60 minute stints throughout the day.

Does this sound like unusually needy behavior for a 3, almost 4 year old? Should we be looking to address it or will it resolve on its own. He'll go to PK next fall, the only reason we didn't do it this year is because of Covid (and we don't need the childcare, so it seemed like an unnecessary risk).

[Anonymous]

No hes normal but it does sound he is slightly delayed from lack of exposure to other kids. Try to find another family to bubble with.

[Anonymous]

My only child was like this. Now she's 7 and super outgoing at the park, plays with anyone. Don't sweat it.

[Anonymous]

Prior to Covid how much time did he get to spend with other kids?

[Anonymous]

He sounds fine. Your friend sounds judgmental and annoying.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what would have happened happened if you didn't play with him.

My low need kid, at 3 almost 4, would have chosen to play with me if that was a choice. But if I'd said "I need to feed the baby" or "I can't play right now, I talking with Ms. Larla" he would have occupied himself happily and safely, either following the older kids' lead, or finding something to do on his own.

My medium need kid, at 3 almost 4, would have occupied himself, but he would have chosen a familiar activity distanced from other kids. Most of the time, at the playground, someone ended up facilitating to get him to try the equipment, or interact with other kids. But if for some reason, an adult wasn't available, because we were visiting with a friend or feeding a baby, he would have been fine.

My high need kid at 3 almost 4, might well have run off and play, and ended up needing to be rescued from a piece of equipment he couldn't get off, or bothering the older kids so much I needed to rescue them, or throwing sand. Or he would have decided that he wanted me to push him on the swing right then, and I would have either needed to push him, or needed to help him manage his frustration about not being pushed, or needed to wait out his minor tantrum about not getting his way. All of these things would have made it harder to sit and visit with a friend, or feed a baby.

Having said that, I think you're asking two different questions. One is whether your kid is needier than some other kids. The other is whether what you describe is typical. I would say that there isn't enough information to answer the first question, but the second question is almost certainly yes. There is a pretty wide range of personality that falls within "typical" development.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds a lot like our almost 4 year old (turns 4 end of Dec). She has been extremely shy her whole life, and very attached. She was a “high needs” baby, I guess, in that she wasn’t that baby who slept ever (still doesn’t), or could be put down ever. When people lectured me about “drowsy but awake”, I’d internally roll my eyes so hard I feared I’d pull something. She has always had some degree of FOMO, but at the same time kept in her shell. She was home with me while I WAH until this fall.

Pre-COVID, we had her in classes, but needed to modify so one of us was always with her. She got to the point with one class that she freaked out so badly about going that we stopped going all together. She always more or less would watch from the sidelines at the play ground, and kept to herself when we had friends with kids over. That said, she was always excited to tell you about everything that the other kids did at the park, or what happened with the other kids at home. You’d almost think she was playing with them if you didn’t know her.

That said, we live in Canada, and she started JK with her peers in the fall. The first week of morning drop offs were tough, but all our fears that she would never adapt were unfounded. The teachers give her glowing reports. She has “best friends”, plays well with other kids, contributes to the class, listens to the teachers, and shows none of the social anxiety we were so terrified about. She is also happy and secure enough to go play on her own. We can see now she’s coming out of her shell when we’re out and about, acknowledges other kids and adults, and is generally a different kid than she was a few months ago.

So maybe your son is “high needs”, but WTF kind of label is that anyway? He’ll come into his own. Continue to play around other children and let him lead the way.

[Anonymous]

No, its great you play with your kids. Her kids are low needs as they know she'd say no and know better than to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prior to Covid how much time did he get to spend with other kids?

OP here. He was in half-day care, 3 days a week. Plus playdates on the weekend, so... about 15 hours a week? He was not outgoing and not super "in the mix" at daycare, but he also rarely got upset when we dropped him off. And if I'd described him as high needs to anyone at the daycare, they would have laughed at me -- people constantly remarked to me how easy he was because he would just draw or look at books on his own and very rarely got into the typical arguments over sharing that other kids did. Like I said, just on the shy side. It didn't feel like an issue.

[Anonymous]

I think that your friend jumped the gun in making that judgment. You have an only, he’s not used to socializing. It’s normal. Not high needs—maybe a bit higher on the anxiety scale? My oldest was like this and is super social now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this sounds a lot like our almost 4 year old (turns 4 end of Dec). She has been extremely shy her whole life, and very attached. She was a “high needs” baby, I guess, in that she wasn’t that baby who slept ever (still doesn’t), or could be put down ever. When people lectured me about “drowsy but awake”, I’d internally roll my eyes so hard I feared I’d pull something. She has always had some degree of FOMO, but at the same time kept in her shell. She was home with me while I WAH until this fall.

Pre-COVID, we had her in classes, but needed to modify so one of us was always with her. She got to the point with one class that she freaked out so badly about going that we stopped going all together. She always more or less would watch from the sidelines at the play ground, and kept to herself when we had friends with kids over. That said, she was always excited to tell you about everything that the other kids did at the park, or what happened with the other kids at home. You’d almost think she was playing with them if you didn’t know her.

That said, we live in Canada, and she started JK with her peers in the fall. The first week of morning drop offs were tough, but all our fears that she would never adapt were unfounded. The teachers give her glowing reports. She has “best friends”, plays well with other kids, contributes to the class, listens to the teachers, and shows none of the social anxiety we were so terrified about. She is also happy and secure enough to go play on her own. We can see now she’s coming out of her shell when we’re out and about, acknowledges other kids and adults, and is generally a different kid than she was a few months ago.

So maybe your son is “high needs”, but WTF kind of label is that anyway? He’ll come into his own. Continue to play around other children and let him lead the way.

This is really reassuring, thank you. That is so similar to us! Including the stuff about observing other kids even though he doesn't really play with them. He used to tell me all about what th other kids said and did at school, even though I know from the teachers that he didn't interact that much. He was obviously interested in them and we always assumed he was just working up to playing more directly with them and was still in the "parallel play" phase. But I guess he's still in that phase. I'm so glad your daughter made the transition pretty smoothly. I worry about PK and have doubted our decision to keep him home this year, so I hope we see a similar shift with our sone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what would have happened happened if you didn't play with him.

My low need kid, at 3 almost 4, would have chosen to play with me if that was a choice. But if I'd said "I need to feed the baby" or "I can't play right now, I talking with Ms. Larla" he would have occupied himself happily and safely, either following the older kids' lead, or finding something to do on his own.

My medium need kid, at 3 almost 4, would have occupied himself, but he would have chosen a familiar activity distanced from other kids. Most of the time, at the playground, someone ended up facilitating to get him to try the equipment, or interact with other kids. But if for some reason, an adult wasn't available, because we were visiting with a friend or feeding a baby, he would have been fine.

My high need kid at 3 almost 4, might well have run off and play, and ended up needing to be rescued from a piece of equipment he couldn't get off, or bothering the older kids so much I needed to rescue them, or throwing sand. Or he would have decided that he wanted me to push him on the swing right then, and I would have either needed to push him, or needed to help him manage his frustration about not being pushed, or needed to wait out his minor tantrum about not getting his way. All of these things would have made it harder to sit and visit with a friend, or feed a baby.

Having said that, I think you're asking two different questions. One is whether your kid is needier than some other kids. The other is whether what you describe is typical. I would say that there isn't enough information to answer the first question, but the second question is almost certainly yes. There is a pretty wide range of personality that falls within "typical" development.

OP here. Well, the truth is that if we told him no, we wouldn't play with him, he would be upset. But that has to do with a combination of being very attached to us (especially around other people) and just working on patience. We know he likes to have one of us nearby when he's in an unfamiliar setting. The playground counts as unfamiliar even though we go a lot, because the kids are always different. When he was in daycare it was different because once he was used to it, he felt comfortable with the teacher and other kids and if he felt uneasy he could always go play with a specific toy or hang out in a specific area that he knew.

He doesn't do risky things at all -- we actually have to encourage him to try things and usually walk him through it a few times before he'll try it on his own. And he would never bother older kids (way too intimidated). It's more likely that someone would accidentally bump into him and he'd flip out and come running. But I always just assumed this is what kids this age were like -- they need some helping learning about new things, they might be bothered by things that seem scary or threatening. Though it sounds like there's a lot more variation than I though there was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Well, the truth is that if we told him no, we wouldn't play with him, he would be upset. But that has to do with a combination of being very attached to us (especially around other people) and just working on patience. We know he likes to have one of us nearby when he's in an unfamiliar setting. The playground counts as unfamiliar even though we go a lot, because the kids are always different. When he was in daycare it was different because once he was used to it, he felt comfortable with the teacher and other kids and if he felt uneasy he could always go play with a specific toy or hang out in a specific area that he knew.

He doesn't do risky things at all -- we actually have to encourage him to try things and usually walk him through it a few times before he'll try it on his own. And he would never bother older kids (way too intimidated). It's more likely that someone would accidentally bump into him and he'd flip out and come running. But I always just assumed this is what kids this age were like -- they need some helping learning about new things, they might be bothered by things that seem scary or threatening. Though it sounds like there's a lot more variation than I though there was.

PP here that you were responding to.

I don't really like labeling kids high or low needs, although I labeled my kids that way in my post just to keep the language consistent.

But when we talk about a kid needing more, which is what high needs means, we're talking about a kid who needs more support from adults.

That doesn't mean that it's some set in stone characteristic, or that a year from now it won't be totally different, but a 3 year old who needs adult proximity to feel attached, or to get up the courage to try things on the playground, or to feel safe in a familiar environment because there are some new kids, or to work through frustration when he doesn't get his way, is needing more support than many other 3 year olds. So, in that sense, his needs are higher. That's not good or bad, or atypical, but it's an accurate description of where he is today. It's not a prediction for where he'll be next year, or a statement about his personality, but it does sound like at this point in time, in that particular setting, he needed a higher level of support than many other 3 year olds.

I also think that your friends were obnoxious to point it out like that.

[Anonymous]

High needs suggests developmental issues. Your son is reacting normally to social isolation from a global pandemic. He'll be fine. I bet once this is over and he's back in school he'll be back to normal in 2 weeks, tops

[Anonymous]

Completely normal if this is the first playground visit in a while. If he’s still doing this after a few weeks of regular visits, then I would be a little worried.