Is my almost-4 yr old "high needs"?

[Anonymous]

lol your friend is a bitch

[Anonymous]

Your friend may have been trying to empathize OP. Only you know the context and your kid. I worry about my 4 year old too after this much time at home. I do think she is extra clingy because we are 100 percent of their lives right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:lol your friend is a bitch

Yep, this.

[Anonymous]

That was mean of your friend to say.

If you're at a new playground with new kids, especially older ones, I think it's normal for your kid to be a little bit clingy.

I personally (just my uneducated opinion based on my two kids) that in general it's kind of not ideal for your kid to be playing with you vs. other kids, or just exploring the playground. I have seen with my own friends that the ones who are all about interacting with their kids constantly and "teaching" them stuff and entertaining from birth do end up with kids who can't really play alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lol your friend is a bitch

Yep, this.

+1 Sounds like she wanted adult time and was irritated you kept being pulled away. But to turn her own frustration into labeling a pre-schooler "high needs" is truly b*tchy behavior. All preschoolers look "high needs" next to a second grader, ffs.

[Anonymous]

Super normal considering all that's happened in the past 9 months. This sounds more like a phase they will grow out of rather than an actual "high needs" situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on what would have happened happened if you didn't play with him.

My low need kid, at 3 almost 4, would have chosen to play with me if that was a choice. But if I'd said "I need to feed the baby" or "I can't play right now, I talking with Ms. Larla" he would have occupied himself happily and safely, either following the older kids' lead, or finding something to do on his own.

My medium need kid, at 3 almost 4, would have occupied himself, but he would have chosen a familiar activity distanced from other kids. Most of the time, at the playground, someone ended up facilitating to get him to try the equipment, or interact with other kids. But if for some reason, an adult wasn't available, because we were visiting with a friend or feeding a baby, he would have been fine.

My high need kid at 3 almost 4, might well have run off and play, and ended up needing to be rescued from a piece of equipment he couldn't get off, or bothering the older kids so much I needed to rescue them, or throwing sand. Or he would have decided that he wanted me to push him on the swing right then, and I would have either needed to push him, or needed to help him manage his frustration about not being pushed, or needed to wait out his minor tantrum about not getting his way. All of these things would have made it harder to sit and visit with a friend, or feed a baby.

Having said that, I think you're asking two different questions. One is whether your kid is needier than some other kids. The other is whether what you describe is typical. I would say that there isn't enough information to answer the first question, but the second question is almost certainly yes. There is a pretty wide range of personality that falls within "typical" development.

OP here. Well, the truth is that if we told him no, we wouldn't play with him, he would be upset. But that has to do with a combination of being very attached to us (especially around other people) and just working on patience. We know he likes to have one of us nearby when he's in an unfamiliar setting. The playground counts as unfamiliar even though we go a lot, because the kids are always different. When he was in daycare it was different because once he was used to it, he felt comfortable with the teacher and other kids and if he felt uneasy he could always go play with a specific toy or hang out in a specific area that he knew.

He doesn't do risky things at all -- we actually have to encourage him to try things and usually walk him through it a few times before he'll try it on his own. And he would never bother older kids (way too intimidated). It's more likely that someone would accidentally bump into him and he'd flip out and come running. But I always just assumed this is what kids this age were like -- they need some helping learning about new things, they might be bothered by things that seem scary or threatening. Though it sounds like there's a lot more variation than I though there was.

First, your kid is normal and I wouldn't put any thought into your friend's comment. That said, I would encourage you to push him beyond his comfort level to build his confidence. My son is like yours and I purposefully ignore him at playgrounds so that he will move out of his comfort zone of playing with me. A little at a time it's built his confidence and he's not the kid who will run up and ask another to play, but he's at the point now where he will play if someone else initiates it. He wants to play with other kids, but the act of making that happen is scary for him and it takes alot of practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was mean of your friend to say.

If you're at a new playground with new kids, especially older ones, I think it's normal for your kid to be a little bit clingy.

I personally (just my uneducated opinion based on my two kids) that in general it's kind of not ideal for your kid to be playing with you vs. other kids, or just exploring the playground. I have seen with my own friends that the ones who are all about interacting with their kids constantly and "teaching" them stuff and entertaining from birth do end up with kids who can't really play alone.

No one wants a kid who won't play alone or can't play with other kids. No one. There is no parenting philosophy that's like "Provide constant, 100% parental interaction with your child from birth until you have to send them to school."

If you see parents like OP at the playground who are spending most of the time interacting with their kid, you are very likely observing a parent of a child who is just not ready to be more independent yet. Or, they are independent in other settings but anxious around lots of other kids on the playground. So that parent is providing support.

My 3 yr old will happily play on her own on an empty playground. And if there is only one, or maybe two, other kids there, and those kids are pretty chill, she will either play on her own or maybe even play with the kids. But on a busy playground, especially if there are lots of older kids around or the kids are really loud and boisterous, she will want me to play with her 100% of the time. I don't love it, honestly. I mean, I love her, but a break would be great. And of course I want her to have the skills to play on her own or to do collaborative play with other kids. But SHE'S 3. She's shy, and the pandemic hasn't helped. So I play with her.

Anyway, I think you are assuming things about other parents because you don't have the experience of parenting an only child, or parenting kids who struggle a bit socially. It would be like if I saw you with your kids at the playground, and thought, "Wow, look at their mom who refuses to play with her children and forces them to entertain each other -- what a restrictive and potentially damaging parental approach." When really it's just that your kids get along and like to play together, or with others, and you facilitate that, as you should.

[Anonymous]

He sounds high maintenance not high needs. They are different imo.

A 3 or 4 year old should be able to go and play on playground equipment at a playground without needing parental guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds high maintenance not high needs. They are different imo.

A 3 or 4 year old should be able to go and play on playground equipment at a playground without needing parental guidance.

Wait, now I'm confused. I feel like there is a distinction between helping a child play on the equipment (say, holding his hand while he climbs or helping him go down the slide) and playing with your child. I agree a 3 or 4 year old should be pretty independent physically on a playground, but it doesn't seem weird to me that he might want his parents to play with him (engage in games, get on the equipment with him, or kick a ball around as OP describes). I think it just kind of depends on the kid. At 5 or 6 I would worry, but not 3/4. Especially if he's not in PK or daycare so probably hasn't had a ton of practice playing with other kids.

[Anonymous]

First, there is a big difference between K and 2nd grade and a 4 yo. Second, your friend sounds judgmental. Third, all kids are different. I have a 4yo and he is different from my friends' 4yos. He is easier is some ways, and more high maintenance in other ways. Overall, a 4yo should be able to play with other kids with little to no parent involvement. However, were the other kids interested in playing with your 4yo? We have friends with a 7yo, who is great at playing with out 4yo. I am not sure there is anything to do right now during the pandemic, but assuming things are better next fall, your child may benefit from preschool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, there is a big difference between K and 2nd grade and a 4 yo. Second, your friend sounds judgmental. Third, all kids are different. I have a 4yo and he is different from my friends' 4yos. He is easier is some ways, and more high maintenance in other ways. Overall, a 4yo should be able to play with other kids with little to no parent involvement. However, were the other kids interested in playing with your 4yo? We have friends with a 7yo, who is great at playing with out 4yo. I am not sure there is anything to do right now during the pandemic, but assuming things are better next fall, your child may benefit from preschool

OP here. This feels very common sense to me.

For what it's worth, the other kids did try to play with him, which might be what prompted my friend's comment. He didn't want to. I am big on respecting boundaries that he wants to set so I didn't push him. If he had seemed interested in playing with them but unsure about it, I might have tried to encourage it a little more or start a group game that I could bow out of once he was engaged. But he's just in this phase where he does not want to play with other kids. I can't force him to do it. I could refrain from playing with him myself, but I would like to deploy that on a day that I'm not trying to enjoy some time with friends right after a holiday, since I know it will cause some strife.

I do hope that being in PK will help a lot. My theory is that when he is with lots of kids his own age and they all start at the same time, he will have an easier time finding his way. I also think that because of his current attachment to DH and I, he's just going to gravitate to us as long as we're around, but at PK when we aren't there, he will start to develop these other social skills.

I'm somewhat surprised by how many people on the thread feel that a 3/4 year should already those skills. When we were trying to decide on whether to do PK this year, the feedback we got a lot of was "It's not a big deal, it's fine if he doesn't get a ton of socialization until next year." That's why I was surprised by my friend's comment. I had never gotten the sense that socializing was something that had to be done by this age -- it seems like the goal is to be pretty fully socialized by K, but not that you have to start at 3 or it's a problem.

[Anonymous]

My dd is 3.5 and has never been in daycare or school. She can be very high needs at home and has had separation anxiety anytime we’ve tried to do a “drop off” activity—even if I’m still visible. With that said, anytime we’ve gone to a playground since maybe age 2/2.5 she legit takes off running and climbing and never looks back for us unless she wants to use the swings. Starting around age 3 she wanted to play with other kids—so the first few months of quarantine were rough—but since we returned to playground meetups (with masks) she’s happy as a clam running around and playing with kids of all ages. All this is just to say I don’t think playground behavior has anything to do with overall needs or even general maturity.