How to fix my sisters sleep schedule?

[Anonymous]

The backstory is far too long and complicated to explain, but my 13yr old sister(I am 41) is living with us and will be for the foreseeable fortune. I also have two sons of my own 11 and 8. She gets a long well with my boys for the most part, and for what she’s been through, is a pretty well adjusted kid. However she does not sleep. As you can see it’s 2am now and she just came in to ask if she could get up and watch some tv because she can’t sleep. I told her no, to try and read instead, but even still she won’t fall asleep until 4am or sometimes not at all. She wakes me up almost every night for something, she has even asked to take a walk in the middle of the night. We have tried melatonin and it only works about 20% of the time. Usually after 3 days of horrible sleep it will finally catch up with her and she will crash. This just isn’t sustainable, it almost seems as if she is wanting to do things to keep herself from falling asleep. She has to be exhausted, I know I am! Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Is she on any medication? My son is on anxiety medication and I used to give him his pill in the evening. The doctor suggested to switch it to morning, and he sleeps much better now.

She may want to see a therapist, if she isn’t already. If your sister has to live with you, i suspect there’s a less than great backstory that she may have trouble dealing with. People can seem “fine” and not be.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure how til her sleep issue but I would change the rules. There is no need for her to wake you up. Tell her if she is awake she can read for 20 minutes then try again. No screens. And she is not to wake you up, unless there is a legitimate reason. Lots of exercise and fresh air during the day. Same as with a younger child. And make her wake up by a certain time every day.

[Anonymous]

That’s really tough. I would try melatonin and look into cbt-I (either a therapist or get a self help book. Discourage napping.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to assume that her issues with sleep or work related to her backstory. Is she in therapy? If not she probably should be. This is an issue that he is probably going to need a lot of help with therapy and possibly with you. Is she medicated for anything? Sometimes the meds can keep you up. However, I would not ask on here, I honestly would talk to her doctor or therapist about this.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried laying in bed with her and doing relaxing breathing exercises? My mom did that when i was a kid when I couldn’t sleep and I still do it today. We would lay on our backs and imagine that each time we breath in, one limb would raise (again imagine, don’t do it) and then fall limp without tension. Do each limb twice.

As an adult I just do a variation of inhaling for three seconds, hold for three seconds, exhale three seconds.

[Anonymous]

You're sure she's not napping or sleeping during the day? It doesn't sound like she is but I'm just making sure that she's not in her room for DL school and actually on her bed taking a little siesta or resting. I would try to ensure that her school space is visible so you can see if she is paying attention and not snoozing even a little.

How much exercise is she getting during the day? At 13 she may not want to go outside to "play" but she can still walk or run or ride bikes with you or one of your kids. I would see if you could increase her exercise level during the day to help run off some of that energy. Additionally the extra exposure to the sun may help her body reset.

How much sugar and caffeine is she consuming each day? Those also could be contributing to her body's inability to regulate itself. You don't need to be the diet police but it may be helpful if some high-sugar and highly caffeinated foods aren't readily available.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year old and can assure you this is pretty normal. The main rule I have is no screens past 10 on a school night (including distance learning of course) and no screens in the bedroom. She can microwave herself a cup of soothing tea or warm milk at night, read, do puzzles. But the screens make sleep much harder, so that has to go. Make sure you collect tv remotes, her phone and her Chromebook etc at the designated time and keep them in your bedroom.

I also stick to a decent wakeup time (usually 10:30 on weekends because we have activities like virtual instrument lessons).

[Anonymous]

There are pediatric sleep doctors - I'd start there - could be something physical (from thyroid to iron to all kinds of random things) - I think they fall under the pulmonology specialty. . .

[Anonymous]

Is she in therapy. When my anxiety flares, nights are the worse. My brain won't shut off when I'm in the quiet dark room. Sometimes it feels suffocating and makes the anxiety worse.

She's not wanting to keep herself awake, she can't sleep because of anxiety and doing things helps occupy her mind.

Please get her into therapy.

[Anonymous]

Given she’s a 13 year old living with her sister old enough to be her mom, something is going on that is causing the underlying anxiety or depression screwing up herself.

No shade. My sister is younger than my oldest child. If I could have taken her in when she was 13, her life would be better today.

But until you get on top of what’s troubling her, the sleep issues will persist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given she’s a 13 year old living with her sister old enough to be her mom, something is going on that is causing the underlying anxiety or depression screwing up herself.

No shade. My sister is younger than my oldest child. If I could have taken her in when she was 13, her life would be better today.

But until you get on top of what’s troubling her, the sleep issues will persist.

Sorry I wrote her sleep but auto correct changed it to herself.

[Anonymous]

When my kid was going through a hard time he got insomnia, and it was really anxiety producing. He hated trying to go to sleep, and would avoid trying to sleep because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to, which made the anxiet worse, which made it harder to fall asleep. Like a PP, we did a course of CBT for insomnia and it really helped. He is now 14 and has a bad night once in a while but generally sleeps well.

Screens are not the answer, but an audiobook might be a good in between option. Does she have an Echo or similar in her room? We don’t allow phone or iPad in bedrooms after bedtime, but my son listens to his book until he is good and tired, and will listen in the middle of the night if he can’t sleep.

All the best to you and your sister.

[Anonymous]

An audiobook is a fantastic idea so long as you can get it on a device that doesn't offer alternative late night screen time (like a phone with screen time settings at night).

Another option is the calm app (meditations)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're sure she's not napping or sleeping during the day? It doesn't sound like she is but I'm just making sure that she's not in her room for DL school and actually on her bed taking a little siesta or resting. I would try to ensure that her school space is visible so you can see if she is paying attention and not snoozing even a little.

How much exercise is she getting during the day? At 13 she may not want to go outside to "play" but she can still walk or run or ride bikes with you or one of your kids. I would see if you could increase her exercise level during the day to help run off some of that energy. Additionally the extra exposure to the sun may help her body reset.

How much sugar and caffeine is she consuming each day? Those also could be contributing to her body's inability to regulate itself. You don't need to be the diet police but it may be helpful if some high-sugar and highly caffeinated foods aren't readily available.

+1 Very important - exercise but importantly exercise outdoors in the daylight.