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[quote=Anonymous]OP, my sister is very much like this, especially in being very controlling regarding our parents and then expressing resentment that she is the one to "handle things". Like you, our parents are still in good health and are financially independent, so she isn't actually providing for them. She's just very involved in their lives (and also relies on them a ton for childcare and help, but that gets dismissed as not mattering for some reason).

Anyway, the way I handle it is by focusing exclusively on the things that matter to me and then just not caring about the rest. For instance, it is important to me that my parents have good relationships with my child and have opportunities to spend time with her. As long as that need is met, I just don't worry about what they are doing with my sister or her kids and don't view it as my business. Sometimes it is a little hard because my sister is so dominant in their lives that my mom brings her up constantly. But I have trained myself to just detach from the conversation and smile and say pleasant and complimentary things until it is over. I don't engage in a competition. I just remind myself my parents love my child and that I am doing what I need to do to facilitate the relationship.

And I also have just let go of any ideas I had of my parents being a strong presence or support in my life (separate from their relationship with my child). I do not expect emotional support or understanding from them, nor from my sister, and I have found other places to get that support. This way, when my sister demands their assistance and support, I can just detach and not be part of it. I no longer view it as taking anything away from me because it's not something I expect anymore.

I know it will get harder as my parents decline in health because I know my sister will have very strong feelings about it all and will insist on her way. So I have simply encouraged my parents to put their healthcare and end of life wishes in writing. I'm not going to fight my sister on any of this stuff unless I think it might actually hurt my parents. But if they are not clear on their wishes and my sister insists on something, I will likely just go with it. This is a dynamic they have all encouraged. I'm not going to make myself miserable by fighting it.

I'm sure my sister will again claim that she is doing all the work and that I'm being passive. It's fine. And since, unlike my sister, I have no designs or expectations on my parents' money or assets when they pass, I feel that I can avoid conflict there as well.

I just let go. Let it all go. I refuse to play my role in this little drama.[/quote]

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