Emotional affair recovery

[Anonymous]

I have been married 20 years, 4 children (5, 8, 10, 15). We met and married young. I grew up with my husband and he had been my best friend, biggest supporter and confidante my whole adult life.
The last few years had been very stressful due to work and kids. We had not been communicating well and sex became infrequent. Things became very transactional. We were great parents but not great spouses.

Last summer, after a not-so-serious argument, DH told me that he didn’t think our marriage was working and maybe we should end it. This was completely out of the blue for me. I was shocked and hurt. I knew we had some issues but never in a million years thought he would even consider a separation. He said he was stressed at work and felt he could never be a good enough husband. After a tense week, I found out he was having a two month long phone/emotional affair with a colleague from work who lived across the country (single, professional, very smart) Nothing physical, but I think it was a pretty “intense” emotional connection because she understood his work (same business) and could support him in a way that I could not. He denies it was anything serious, but acknowledged it was “not appropriate” He refused to show me any of the texts. He said there was no way it would have gotten to be anything more. I question what would have happened had I not stumbled across evidence of the affair.

I was devastated and felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. I kept calm and told DH that he had to end it. It took a painful, humiliating week, but he ended it cold turkey with the AP.

It has been 1.5 years now. We did brief counseling, but mainly talked things out ourselves. DH committed to making things better and has worked hard to rebuild trust. He tells me he loves me all the time, he carves out time for me anytime despite a crazy work schedule, has been an amazing partner. We are communicating much better, sex is frequent. He says that the emotional affair was a wake up call and he would never jeopardize what we have/our family again. He is a great dad.

The issue is that I still don’t trust him completely. I question everything about his sincerity and what our relationship was before the EA. I don’t do it outwardly (we never talk about last summer). Outwardly, I’m loving, supportive and affectionate. But inside, I don’t feel safe. I can’t trust him like I used to. I feel like I never really knew him and that maybe I never will. I don’t know what’s real bc I was so out of touch with reality before. I’m scared he’ll betray me again in the future, even though every indication is that he won’t.

For those who have lives through an affair. Did you ever regain complete trust? Or was the fear of betrayal always in the back of your mind? How did you heal/recover? I just can’t seem to let go, no matter how much my DH tells and shows me how much he cares and how committed he is.

[Anonymous]

I've gotten to a point of indifference. I pretend I am French and the affair was no big deal.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't an affair

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you had to go through this. A few years ago my husband had one. He had therapy, i was in therapy at the time, we are much better and closer. Year one was like having ptsd, very hard. To answer your question. Complete trust? No. I rarely get triggered now....but I can. By innocent things....a new female single neighbor we befriend, if he is in a distant mood, a movie on infidelity. We talk about it. I feel it, tell him if I can't get a handle on it myself, most of the time I can. (But i have had a lot of therapy). It might sound hard to understand...that we are better from it, that it was also the deepest pain I ever knew and that we moved forward, but no I know what he was capable of and his weaknesses. I forgave, but I live with it and I trust him enough....but not in the innocent way I did before, no. That is what died. But we also are stronger, healthier and wiser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have been married 20 years, 4 children (5, 8, 10, 15). We met and married young. I grew up with my husband and he had been my best friend, biggest supporter and confidante my whole adult life.
The last few years had been very stressful due to work and kids. We had not been communicating well and sex became infrequent. Things became very transactional. We were great parents but not great spouses.

Last summer, after a not-so-serious argument, DH told me that he didn’t think our marriage was working and maybe we should end it. This was completely out of the blue for me. I was shocked and hurt. I knew we had some issues but never in a million years thought he would even consider a separation. He said he was stressed at work and felt he could never be a good enough husband. After a tense week, I found out he was having a two month long phone/emotional affair with a colleague from work who lived across the country (single, professional, very smart) Nothing physical, but I think it was a pretty “intense” emotional connection because she understood his work (same business) and could support him in a way that I could not. He denies it was anything serious, but acknowledged it was “not appropriate” He refused to show me any of the texts. He said there was no way it would have gotten to be anything more. I question what would have happened had I not stumbled across evidence of the affair.

I was devastated and felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. I kept calm and told DH that he had to end it. It took a painful, humiliating week, but he ended it cold turkey with the AP.

It has been 1.5 years now. We did brief counseling, but mainly talked things out ourselves. DH committed to making things better and has worked hard to rebuild trust. He tells me he loves me all the time, he carves out time for me anytime despite a crazy work schedule, has been an amazing partner. We are communicating much better, sex is frequent. He says that the emotional affair was a wake up call and he would never jeopardize what we have/our family again. He is a great dad.

The issue is that I still don’t trust him completely. I question everything about his sincerity and what our relationship was before the EA. I don’t do it outwardly (we never talk about last summer). Outwardly, I’m loving, supportive and affectionate. But inside, I don’t feel safe. I can’t trust him like I used to. I feel like I never really knew him and that maybe I never will. I don’t know what’s real bc I was so out of touch with reality before. I’m scared he’ll betray me again in the future, even though every indication is that he won’t.

For those who have lives through an affair. Did you ever regain complete trust? Or was the fear of betrayal always in the back of your mind? How did you heal/recover? I just can’t seem to let go, no matter how much my DH tells and shows me how much he cares and how committed he is.

Wow – I could’ve written this exact same post except for we have three kids and the emotional affairs were longer term and included a lot of gaslighting. Curious to see if there’s any words of wisdom from the posters.

[Anonymous]

Mine had a primary physical, not emotional one. They didn’t know each other prior. It was an arrangement 1-2 times per month. We had a healthy sex life, always have so it’s absolutely mind boggling. He didn’t love her, never would have dated her if he were single. She knew that too and said as much. She was not that attractive and old. It’s so f@cking weird.

He hit rock bottom and goes to therapy a couple times per week, hates who he became, tons of disgust/remorse. He is the one that broke it off and I have no doubt he never wants to talk to her ever again. He could not stand her at the end.

But, gross. Just so gross. It’s so rapey and gross knowing I was screwing him several times per week while he was doing that.

The stereotype is that women care more about the emotional aspect of affairs and men are more upset to learn of physical affairs. Nah. Not for me. The sex acts with someone else play on a constant mind loop. It’s horrifying. I could handle it much better if it were just emotional and nothing physical than purely physical.

[Anonymous]

Not talking about it is a mistake - that’s rugsweeping and won’t help you. You should be telling him when you are triggered and talk it through. Is there complete transparency now with devices, etc.? An emotional affair is an affair, and requires healing just like any other affair. It’s his responsibility to do the heavy lifting here. You should both read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair. Check out survivinginfidelity.com. What you feel is very normal - it takes 3-5 years to heal from this, and that’s if you and your spouse are taking all the tight steps.

[Anonymous]

^ right steps

[Anonymous]

I think the fact that he won’t show you the texts means it might have been more.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need your own individual counselor to help You through this. A PP is right when saying you will never get back that innocent level of trust you once had. Your own counselor can help you work through whether you have a level of trust you can live with, whether you can communicate and build more, etc.

Personally, DH’s affairs showed me that much Of the trust and safety we have in our lives is illusory. Until this year, I thought I was in a pretty recession proof job. Now - poof. Life is like that and to me, the main issue is how to practice resilience, which sometimes means rolling with the punches and sometimes means enforcing boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine had a primary physical, not emotional one. They didn’t know each other prior. It was an arrangement 1-2 times per month. We had a healthy sex life, always have so it’s absolutely mind boggling. He didn’t love her, never would have dated her if he were single. She knew that too and said as much. She was not that attractive and old. It’s so f@cking weird.

He hit rock bottom and goes to therapy a couple times per week, hates who he became, tons of disgust/remorse. He is the one that broke it off and I have no doubt he never wants to talk to her ever again. He could not stand her at the end.

But, gross. Just so gross. It’s so rapey and gross knowing I was screwing him several times per week while he was doing that.

The stereotype is that women care more about the emotional aspect of affairs and men are more upset to learn of physical affairs. Nah. Not for me. The sex acts with someone else play on a constant mind loop. It’s horrifying. I could handle it much better if it were just emotional and nothing physical than purely physical.

Wow, I’m pretty shocked by this one! I have a large extended group of friends who are pretty open about this stuff. It’s always been either the sex was none/minimal or just robotic get it done style thus the affair. Maybe he never got around in his younger years and wanted to explore? Or he’s just a natural cheater, have to be some of those around past age 30....many of them before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine had a primary physical, not emotional one. They didn’t know each other prior. It was an arrangement 1-2 times per month. We had a healthy sex life, always have so it’s absolutely mind boggling. He didn’t love her, never would have dated her if he were single. She knew that too and said as much. She was not that attractive and old. It’s so f@cking weird.

He hit rock bottom and goes to therapy a couple times per week, hates who he became, tons of disgust/remorse. He is the one that broke it off and I have no doubt he never wants to talk to her ever again. He could not stand her at the end.

But, gross. Just so gross. It’s so rapey and gross knowing I was screwing him several times per week while he was doing that.

The stereotype is that women care more about the emotional aspect of affairs and men are more upset to learn of physical affairs. Nah. Not for me. The sex acts with someone else play on a constant mind loop. It’s horrifying. I could handle it much better if it were just emotional and nothing physical than purely physical.

Wow, I’m pretty shocked by this one! I have a large extended group of friends who are pretty open about this stuff. It’s always been either the sex was none/minimal or just robotic get it done style thus the affair. Maybe he never got around in his younger years and wanted to explore? Or he’s just a natural cheater, have to be some of those around past age 30....many of them before.

His father was a bad alcoholic, serial cheater that left the family. We did meet in our mid 20s, very passionate. We are great friends and always been highly attracted to one another. He is extremely high libido, always has been. Mine is good.

He was diagnosed as having highly narcissistic tendencies with ability to compartmentalize. It’s the need for extreme external validation, self entitlement and a bit of a midlife crisis . Having some other narcissistic loser who will blow smoke up your ass and tell you that you are so wonderful Is a pure fix like a shot of booze. They were both f@cked up people from severely dysfunctional families.

My therapist has said you would not believe how many marriages have this happen...and many never get caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the fact that he won’t show you the texts means it might have been more.

It always is...

[Anonymous]

Wow, I’m pretty shocked by this one! I have a large extended group of friends who are pretty open about this stuff. It’s always been either the sex was none/minimal or just robotic get it done style thus the affair. Maybe he never got around in his younger years and wanted to explore? Or he’s just a natural cheater, have to be some of those around past age 30....many of them before.

His father was a bad alcoholic, serial cheater that left the family. We did meet in our mid 20s, very passionate. We are great friends and always been highly attracted to one another. He is extremely high libido, always has been. Mine is good.

He was diagnosed as having highly narcissistic tendencies with ability to compartmentalize. It’s the need for extreme external validation, self entitlement and a bit of a midlife crisis . Having some other narcissistic loser who will blow smoke up your ass and tell you that you are so wonderful Is a pure fix like a shot of booze. They were both f@cked up people from severely dysfunctional families.

My therapist has said you would not believe how many marriages have this happen...and many never get caught.

That’s some deep ingrained psychological issues. I don’t know how you would move past it, I would just always assume it’s going to happen again. if it’s not already happening and you just don’t know about it.

[Anonymous]

^it’s common for children from alcoholic families. They spent their childhood with people lying to cover the parent’s addiction and have a lot of unmet needs/attachment issues compounded by the co-dependent parent that often has depression or is consumed with keeping family afloat so that kids are ignored and their emotional needs unmet.

Lifelong therapy is needed for that.