Emotional affair recovery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

This is what is bothersome and won't allow trust to rebuild. I was told you might read into something and take it the wrong way if I saw their phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country. You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?

OP here.
Her name showed up on his caller ID at 11:30pm, when no one from work should be calling. It was our wedding anniversary 😔 I was sitting next to him. He seemed flustered, so I knew something was not right. I asked him who she was and why she was calling. He admitted that he had been talking/texting with this person about work (initially) as she had lots of advice/insights on his business. But that they had become friends and his interest in her was a symptom of what was missing from our marriage. I looked though his work email and know that they had only met 2 months prior (it was an introductory email). Since then, he had not traveled to her state, so I’m pretty sure it was all emotional and not physical. But then, I guess she could have traveled to our state?

He denies there were any deep feelings/love and I believe him based on his subsequent actions (cutting off all communication almost immediately). And he denies any plans to have sex with her, but I’ll always wonder that if she had not called that night, would it have gone further and become a long PA/EA? He never showed me the texts, so I have to assume the worst, right?

He still has to travel to her city for work sometimes, which kills me.

I'm sorry, but this is not an "affair" in any meaningful sense. It is a very intense friendship, and maybe some attraction, but the word affair gets thrown around too much. It is obvious that there are problems with your marriage beyond this incident, and you (both) should try to work on that, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favors, or frankly being honest, by making this thing seem like some huge betrayal.

With what OP shared, frankly my initial reaction was what this poster wrote. How bad can it have gotten when they only met online two months and most likely never met in person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^nah, but they certainly have affairs with other narcissists.

Yes. They want someone that is also corrupt and builds them up. They both are self-centered.

But for marriage, studies show, a woman who is ambitious and has an influential job is attractive to a narcissist. Powerful women often intimidate a normal man, but a narcissist is not afraid of someone like that. He seizes the opportunity of having a strong woman by his side.

Having a strong relationship with your father also attracts narcissists. People tend to think that if a woman gets involved with a toxic man, she must have come from a dysfunctional family so she never learned what a healthy relationship is. And while that can be true, it's not always the case.

Having a healthy and loving relationship with your father can leave you vulnerable because you haven't experienced, and simply don't believe, the sad truth that bad people exist who wouldn't be labeled as hardened criminals.

If you grew up with a father who was always there for you, you may have a hard time accepting the idea that a man would target you specifically for your capacity to love.

People who possess antisocial disorders (psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists) lack empathy. They do not care about anyone but themselves. Without empathy or concern for others, love cannot exist. They target people who truly care and hurt when others are in trouble or in pain. Narcissists seek partners that tend to be a person who has high levels of trust, compassion, tolerance, and attachment or loyalty within relationships. A positive person who sees the best in others. Their goodness makes them highly desirable.

There is nothing wrong with how they love. The narcissist exploits their strengths and goodness.

Yikes. This is scary because it seems easily relatable. Hopefully it’s like everyone’s psych 101 class- Where are you think you have every disease in the textbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

This is what is bothersome and won't allow trust to rebuild. I was told you might read into something and take it the wrong way if I saw their phone

How do you take. I don’t want my husband or wife and I want you the wrong way in a text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've gotten to a point of indifference. I pretend I am French and the affair was no big deal.

LOL

I pretend I'm French and HE'S no big deal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country. You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?

OP here.
Her name showed up on his caller ID at 11:30pm, when no one from work should be calling. It was our wedding anniversary 😔 I was sitting next to him. He seemed flustered, so I knew something was not right. I asked him who she was and why she was calling. He admitted that he had been talking/texting with this person about work (initially) as she had lots of advice/insights on his business. But that they had become friends and his interest in her was a symptom of what was missing from our marriage. I looked though his work email and know that they had only met 2 months prior (it was an introductory email). Since then, he had not traveled to her state, so I’m pretty sure it was all emotional and not physical. But then, I guess she could have traveled to our state?

He denies there were any deep feelings/love and I believe him based on his subsequent actions (cutting off all communication almost immediately). And he denies any plans to have sex with her, but I’ll always wonder that if she had not called that night, would it have gone further and become a long PA/EA? He never showed me the texts, so I have to assume the worst, right?

He still has to travel to her city for work sometimes, which kills me.

I would have called her to tell her to leave you both alone. The late night call made it apparent OP. Obviously they were having an affair, sorry but if he's going to her city you need to get proof he's not seeing her. How long are you willing to suffer through this?? The next time he goes to her city hire a detective for a few hours to see if he's going to her home. That's all you need to do, and you'll have your answers. Meanwhile you need to get yourself in a good position in case you end up divorcing down the road. And find out who you are married to on your own, NOT what he chooses to tell you or NOT tell you.