Emotional affair recovery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

I can guarantee he said if I wasn’t married and had these kids we could be together.

That’s what my wife told the guy she was cheating on me with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

OP here. I know that the texts were not innocent. Otherwise he would have shown them to me. DH even said his conversations with her were not appropriate for a married man. That’s why I am calling this an affair (emotional at the least). I’m guessing he talked about how bad our marriage was and how he wishes his life was different, maybe they talked about how he would leave me in a second for her if he didn’t have children, or that he would anyway. Maybe there was sexting, or proclamations of lust/love. I don’t know—I’m assuming it would be very very hurtful to me and shameful for him. It is highly, highly unlikely that it was ever physical based on timing/geography at that time, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that anything is possible.

TBH, I didn’t press to see the texts as hard as I could have. At the time, I figured “what’s the point” as it can’t be undone, and “will I be able to handle/unsee what is written? Or will I perseverate over every word for the rest of my life?” Maybe stupid self preservation at the time that will now keep me from ever having full trust. The texts have long ago been deleted. Now, several months later, I couldn’t see them even if wanted to...which I’m not sure I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

OP here. I know that the texts were not innocent. Otherwise he would have shown them to me. DH even said his conversations with her were not appropriate for a married man. That’s why I am calling this an affair (emotional at the least). I’m guessing he talked about how bad our marriage was and how he wishes his life was different, maybe they talked about how he would leave me in a second for her if he didn’t have children, or that he would anyway. Maybe there was sexting, or proclamations of lust/love. I don’t know—I’m assuming it would be very very hurtful to me and shameful for him. It is highly, highly unlikely that it was ever physical based on timing/geography at that time, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that anything is possible.

TBH, I didn’t press to see the texts as hard as I could have. At the time, I figured “what’s the point” as it can’t be undone, and “will I be able to handle/unsee what is written? Or will I perseverate over every word for the rest of my life?” Maybe stupid self preservation at the time that will now keep me from ever having full trust. The texts have long ago been deleted. Now, several months later, I couldn’t see them even if wanted to...which I’m not sure I would.

I don’t know, I would think if they text had any overtly inappropriate stuff (wanting leave you, sexting, nude pics, I love your) he would have deleted them immediately as they came in. I think it is much more likely, especially given geography and the short time they knew each other, that it was more, over sharing, too personal, maybe some complaints about you, maybe some flirting or complimenting of her...stuff he knows is crossing the line, but not so much that he felt compelled to delete everything immediately.

[Anonymous]

Fonelab can retrieve deleted texts.

seeing them might allow you to really deal with the reality of what happened and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know my husband cheated but I don't have proof, other than money he spent and won't account for and change in behavior/weird comments that were out of character. He lied on multiple occasions, though again I have no "evidence." He stopped doing whatever he was doing, closed bank accounts and reluctantly ( a battle that took several years) gave me access to all accounts. He is much nicer now, which further confirms my belief that he was having some kind of affair.

I saw several therapists in the past few years to help me deal with all the negative feelings and to decide what I wanted to do. I got to the point where I wanted to leave and started to think about logistics and my DH started to realize that I could seriously leave. Things are better but I won't ever trust my DH like I used to. As COVID restrictions end and he returns to work and goes out more, I find myself with this nagging worry and need to double check what he is doing.

Not sure this is helpful, but count yourself lucky that you have proof your DH was cheating. I would make sure you have access to all financial records. Affairs cost money and bank accounts are a great way to monitor even if it does not provide hard evidence.

But sometimes they cost nothing. My spouse met at AP’s house in the middle of the work day/lunch break. He spent zero $ on her.

When are you leaving this psychopath?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ in the middle of a work day for a few minutes I saw his phone was halfway around the beltway when I couldn’t reach him and had a question. His location bounced around and then was back in the office a few seconds later. He made some joke about his mistress that I laughed off too. Well- I’ll be g-damned- joke was on me. Talk about gaslighting!

A year later I found out he learned how to hack his iPhone locator so it would appear he was somewhere he wasn’t. Turning it off would have raised a red flag so apparently the Internet teaches a way to hack your own location. He also solely used Skype chat and messaging. His married whore was just as crafty.

I had zero idea because during all of that time we still had a very healthy, frequent sex life and he was never late or on his phone. He was always planning dinners, special events for me like he did the entire marriage. We got along great and spent all of our time together. I had his phone password and he just left it lying around.

You can’t make this sh@t up. Good friends and family were floored because this was so out of character and he was such a good f@cking liar. He is the guy that everyone would describe as “salt of the earth”. Talk about literally drop to the floor/blind-sided!! My life was crazier than a Lifetime Movie.

This was for the pp above you. Sorry for your experience too. Are they all creeps?

No, but yours is, forever. Narcissists like to marry fellow narcissists.

[Anonymous]

^nah, but they certainly have affairs with other narcissists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^nah, but they certainly have affairs with other narcissists.

Yes. They want someone that is also corrupt and builds them up. They both are self-centered.

But for marriage, studies show, a woman who is ambitious and has an influential job is attractive to a narcissist. Powerful women often intimidate a normal man, but a narcissist is not afraid of someone like that. He seizes the opportunity of having a strong woman by his side.

Having a strong relationship with your father also attracts narcissists. People tend to think that if a woman gets involved with a toxic man, she must have come from a dysfunctional family so she never learned what a healthy relationship is. And while that can be true, it's not always the case.

Having a healthy and loving relationship with your father can leave you vulnerable because you haven't experienced, and simply don't believe, the sad truth that bad people exist who wouldn't be labeled as hardened criminals.

If you grew up with a father who was always there for you, you may have a hard time accepting the idea that a man would target you specifically for your capacity to love.

People who possess antisocial disorders (psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists) lack empathy. They do not care about anyone but themselves. Without empathy or concern for others, love cannot exist. They target people who truly care and hurt when others are in trouble or in pain. Narcissists seek partners that tend to be a person who has high levels of trust, compassion, tolerance, and attachment or loyalty within relationships. A positive person who sees the best in others. Their goodness makes them highly desirable.

There is nothing wrong with how they love. The narcissist exploits their strengths and goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

OP here. I know that the texts were not innocent. Otherwise he would have shown them to me. DH even said his conversations with her were not appropriate for a married man. That’s why I am calling this an affair (emotional at the least). I’m guessing he talked about how bad our marriage was and how he wishes his life was different, maybe they talked about how he would leave me in a second for her if he didn’t have children, or that he would anyway. Maybe there was sexting, or proclamations of lust/love. I don’t know—I’m assuming it would be very very hurtful to me and shameful for him. It is highly, highly unlikely that it was ever physical based on timing/geography at that time, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that anything is possible.

TBH, I didn’t press to see the texts as hard as I could have. At the time, I figured “what’s the point” as it can’t be undone, and “will I be able to handle/unsee what is written? Or will I perseverate over every word for the rest of my life?” Maybe stupid self preservation at the time that will now keep me from ever having full trust. The texts have long ago been deleted. Now, several months later, I couldn’t see them even if wanted to...which I’m not sure I would.

I don’t know, I would think if they text had any overtly inappropriate stuff (wanting leave you, sexting, nude pics, I love your) he would have deleted them immediately as they came in. I think it is much more likely, especially given geography and the short time they knew each other, that it was more, over sharing, too personal, maybe some complaints about you, maybe some flirting or complimenting of her...stuff he knows is crossing the line, but not so much that he felt compelled to delete everything immediately.

I’m not so sure about this. True transparency is needed for recovery. Pretty much every expert on the subject says the betrayed are entitled to see and know whatever they want and think they can handle. Read Shirley Glass “Not Just Friends”. If they are hiding and unwilling to talk about it, that’s a major issue/red flag and does not bode well for the future of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

The physical seems easier to overcome than somebody in love that daydreams of running off with the woman. Many men truly just use women for sex with no intention of any future. It’s incredibly common in that gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The physical seems easier to overcome than somebody in love that daydreams of running off with the woman. Many men truly just use women for sex with no intention of any future. It’s incredibly common in that gender.

The guy that has a strong emotional relationship is a bigger threat. The therapist asked if the AP stopped giving up sex or we had circumstances we couldn’t meet up would I stay in touch...hell no. That tells you how “deep” the relationship was. Just sex. No problem walking away and never looking back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The physical seems easier to overcome than somebody in love that daydreams of running off with the woman. Many men truly just use women for sex with no intention of any future. It’s incredibly common in that gender.

The guy that has a strong emotional relationship is a bigger threat. The therapist asked if the AP stopped giving up sex or we had circumstances we couldn’t meet up would I stay in touch...hell no. That tells you how “deep” the relationship was. Just sex. No problem walking away and never looking back.

Who is to say what hurts more the physical act of cheating or the emotional act of sneaking behind someone back texting problems in the marriage and texting them that they want to be with the other person instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The physical seems easier to overcome than somebody in love that daydreams of running off with the woman. Many men truly just use women for sex with no intention of any future. It’s incredibly common in that gender.

The guy that has a strong emotional relationship is a bigger threat. The therapist asked if the AP stopped giving up sex or we had circumstances we couldn’t meet up would I stay in touch...hell no. That tells you how “deep” the relationship was. Just sex. No problem walking away and never looking back.

Who is to say what hurts more the physical act of cheating or the emotional act of sneaking behind someone back texting problems in the marriage and texting them that they want to be with the other person instead.

I think I would handle the solely physical act vs them voicing they want to leave the marriage and spend the rest of their life with another woman. It’s basically a transaction like screwing a prostitute vs falling out of love and wanting to leave the marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

I can guarantee he said if I wasn’t married and had these kids we could be together.

That’s what my wife told the guy she was cheating on me with.

Did you divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The physical seems easier to overcome than somebody in love that daydreams of running off with the woman. Many men truly just use women for sex with no intention of any future. It’s incredibly common in that gender.

The guy that has a strong emotional relationship is a bigger threat. The therapist asked if the AP stopped giving up sex or we had circumstances we couldn’t meet up would I stay in touch...hell no. That tells you how “deep” the relationship was. Just sex. No problem walking away and never looking back.

Who is to say what hurts more the physical act of cheating or the emotional act of sneaking behind someone back texting problems in the marriage and texting them that they want to be with the other person instead.

I think I would handle the solely physical act vs them voicing they want to leave the marriage and spend the rest of their life with another woman. It’s basically a transaction like screwing a prostitute vs falling out of love and wanting to leave the marriage.


You don’t know what he or she say in the heat of lust.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want either!