Emotional affair recovery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few years ago I thought my husband was having an affair with a younger colleague. I will skip rehashing the signs but when I confronted him after many months of it eating away at me he said "she's gay but thanks for not trusting me." So be careful on what you assume.

Uhh. You believe that? That sounds like a classic gaslighting response to me.

I thought the same when I read that. I could write a book on gaslighting responses. They really make you believe them too.

Especially “the thanks for not trusting me”. That is classic. They try to make you look like the bad one.

[Anonymous]

This is a PP. I got a lot of you're paranoid, crazy, mentally unstable, etc. when I asked why he needed to withdraw cash but never any answers that made sense. He made snide remarks whenever he could. He made me feel guilty for mistrusting him. I thought I was going insane and really started to question my sanity until I caught him in a 100% lie. Then I realized that I wasn't going crazy. Still didn't tell the truth or give me answers but he knew that I knew he was lying, even if he didn't want to admit it. Knowing that I wasn't crazy was a huge relief. And now I know that my husband is capable of lying and gaslighting and willing to find sexual companionship outside of marriage.

[Anonymous]

My husband has an emotional affair with a women I knew he was good friends with but I didn’t realize HOW good of friends they were until I found their work emails. They met for lunch everyday, sent each other multiple emails and would also grab an afternoon coffee. It would have continued if I didn’t intervene. I don’t think anything sexual happened but they were definitely attached. It hurts to even just write this right now. I still don’t trust him honestly it hurts 3 years later to even type this.

[Anonymous]

^ in the middle of a work day for a few minutes I saw his phone was halfway around the beltway when I couldn’t reach him and had a question. His location bounced around and then was back in the office a few seconds later. He made some joke about his mistress that I laughed off too. Well- I’ll be g-damned- joke was on me. Talk about gaslighting!

A year later I found out he learned how to hack his iPhone locator so it would appear he was somewhere he wasn’t. Turning it off would have raised a red flag so apparently the Internet teaches a way to hack your own location. He also solely used Skype chat and messaging. His married whore was just as crafty.

I had zero idea because during all of that time we still had a very healthy, frequent sex life and he was never late or on his phone. He was always planning dinners, special events for me like he did the entire marriage. We got along great and spent all of our time together. I had his phone password and he just left it lying around.

You can’t make this sh@t up. Good friends and family were floored because this was so out of character and he was such a good f@cking liar. He is the guy that everyone would describe as “salt of the earth”. Talk about literally drop to the floor/blind-sided!! My life was crazier than a Lifetime Movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ in the middle of a work day for a few minutes I saw his phone was halfway around the beltway when I couldn’t reach him and had a question. His location bounced around and then was back in the office a few seconds later. He made some joke about his mistress that I laughed off too. Well- I’ll be g-damned- joke was on me. Talk about gaslighting!

A year later I found out he learned how to hack his iPhone locator so it would appear he was somewhere he wasn’t. Turning it off would have raised a red flag so apparently the Internet teaches a way to hack your own location. He also solely used Skype chat and messaging. His married whore was just as crafty.

I had zero idea because during all of that time we still had a very healthy, frequent sex life and he was never late or on his phone. He was always planning dinners, special events for me like he did the entire marriage. We got along great and spent all of our time together. I had his phone password and he just left it lying around.

You can’t make this sh@t up. Good friends and family were floored because this was so out of character and he was such a good f@cking liar. He is the guy that everyone would describe as “salt of the earth”. Talk about literally drop to the floor/blind-sided!! My life was crazier than a Lifetime Movie.

This was for the pp above you. Sorry for your experience too. Are they all creeps?

[Anonymous]

“I think the question is whether the "attachment he had with this other woman was strong enough to make DH think about separating," or whether that feeling existed before and he reached out to someone for connection. I think that putting this into the "affair" category and disclaim any of your own fault and need to work on things, too. Sure, maybe he shouldn't have done this, but if you get hung up on that and punishing him for that, you'll never get to the deeper issues that need to be addressed to save the marriage. That is the danger with labeling this an affair.

Now, it sounds like you recognize (from your original post) that the marriage had already started to go downhill some (which is totally normal), and it sounds like you want to work on it. But I caution against putting this into the affair category and demanding that he take more responsibility than is fair for what has happened to bthe relationship. ”

OP.
These are all good points and have given me a lot to think about. We were not in a good place when this all happened, and this woman definitely provided my DH validation/connection when I was too busy/complacent. Both DH and I took each other for granted and put much more effort into our careers/kids than our marriage. My best friend thinks the events of last summer were a blessing for our marriage as we are now communicating/connecting much more and better.

We have both acknowledged our part in how stale our marriage had become. But, I do not think it was bad enough to separate/divorce. I think the other woman, and the possibility of what could be with her, and his infatuation with her, was a driver to him even discussing separation.. Even with our own marriage troubles, it still pains me that he went outside of our marriage instead of talking to me (easier said than done, I know). I know our underlying marriage problems were not due to the “limerance”? which came later, but that does not make it easier to forget it happened, the secrecy, or trust that he won’t do it again. At the moment, I’m not demanding anything of him—we never talk about it anymore—but I am struggling with my inability to trust DH. And I’m just hoping that this mistrust does not last forever.
PPs mentioned him getting therapy. He just won’t. He does not believe in it

[Anonymous]

Just because he ended it and is doing the right things doesn’t mean YOU didn’t change. Maybe you no longer want to stay married. Just bc he wants yoy now doesn’t mean you have to say okay. I think maybe some therapy, starting with individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an emotional affair with a women I knew he was good friends with but I didn’t realize HOW good of friends they were until I found their work emails. They met for lunch everyday, sent each other multiple emails and would also grab an afternoon coffee. It would have continued if I didn’t intervene. I don’t think anything sexual happened but they were definitely attached. It hurts to even just write this right now. I still don’t trust him honestly it hurts 3 years later to even type this.

Uh, it hurts for years because your husband was friends with a female coworker? Seriously? That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an emotional affair with a women I knew he was good friends with but I didn’t realize HOW good of friends they were until I found their work emails. They met for lunch everyday, sent each other multiple emails and would also grab an afternoon coffee. It would have continued if I didn’t intervene. I don’t think anything sexual happened but they were definitely attached. It hurts to even just write this right now. I still don’t trust him honestly it hurts 3 years later to even type this.

Uh, it hurts for years because your husband was friends with a female coworker? Seriously? That's ridiculous.

Come on. It was more than just friends she was calling him at home close to mid night ...my own friends and family don’t call that late unless somebody got sent to the hospital. That is “lover’s hour”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an emotional affair with a women I knew he was good friends with but I didn’t realize HOW good of friends they were until I found their work emails. They met for lunch everyday, sent each other multiple emails and would also grab an afternoon coffee. It would have continued if I didn’t intervene. I don’t think anything sexual happened but they were definitely attached. It hurts to even just write this right now. I still don’t trust him honestly it hurts 3 years later to even type this.

Uh, it hurts for years because your husband was friends with a female coworker? Seriously? That's ridiculous.

NP. Id like to thank you for your stupidity that enables your DH and I to carry on behind your back.

[Anonymous]

To the PP whose DH joked about having a mistress. My DH did the same thing jokingly at first when I first got suspicious. The comment made me feel a bit crazy but also a bit weird because it's not the first thing I would say if my husband asked me what I spent a few hundred dollars on. When he got angry with questions I would ask, he would always make a reference to a mistress in a sarcastic, angry tone. Maybe this is not an uncommon thing? It seems lying DHs have some kind of operating manual for what to/say when spouses get supspicious

[Anonymous]

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it’s more concerning he never let you see the texts. I’m not sure how I could regain trust without full disclosure.

+100

If it’s innocent, he should show them to you. Then we can put this in the not an affair category. Without seeing them, you don’t know. The simplest explanation is there’s something in the texts he doesn’t want you to see.

Like his d@ck pics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP whose DH joked about having a mistress. My DH did the same thing jokingly at first when I first got suspicious. The comment made me feel a bit crazy but also a bit weird because it's not the first thing I would say if my husband asked me what I spent a few hundred dollars on. When he got angry with questions I would ask, he would always make a reference to a mistress in a sarcastic, angry tone. Maybe this is not an uncommon thing? It seems lying DHs have some kind of operating manual for what to/say when spouses get supspicious

Ha. I’m the other pp. I remember having an outer body of experience “wait, we joked a about your mistress constantly and you ACTUALLY had a f@cking mistress!!” She was just as skanky as the one I made up, maybe even more so.