Sibling Has Sadly Low Expectations for Nephew

[Anonymous]

We have a nephew who is a challenging kid. He has no diagnoses but I know that he has, in the past, seen a therapist. Due to a recent move, we are seeing a lot more of my sibling and this nephew. The nephew is really unkind to one of our kids (who is 6 years younger) and my sibling/sibling's spouse don't do much to check it. They even praised the nephew once for screaming "fine you can have it, you're a stupid baby" when our kid and the nephew both wanted the same treat. In that case, he was praised for being flexible. I tried to raise it with them and they basically told me to have lower expectations for their kid because they're just happy he isn't being violent. When I gave the example of the treat and said that I didn't think it was fair to our kid to have their kid praised for basically screaming at our kid, their response was that praise was appropriate because a year ago, their kid probably would have thrown something at our kid. My initial reaction is to be annoyed because their kid is being unkind to our kid. My second response is sadness for my nephew because it seems like they're setting him up for a hard future if their expectations for his behavior are so low.

[Anonymous]

That’s not low expectations. That is abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s not low expectations. That is abusive.

What would you do in this situation?

[Anonymous]

MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

[Anonymous]

it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

That is very helpful to know. I was not aware of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

I agree. I see that situation not as them praising him screaming at your kid but at praising the subsequent action of being flexible. I know it’s hard because you are the parents so you feel very protective and attacked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

I was thinking more along the lines of how to negotiate the relationship between the kids. I don't need to know everything about the circumstances they face, but they push to have our kids together a lot and I want to support but also have a hard time managing my (younger) kids. I appreciate knowing that there is an evidence-based theory for the example I gave. Do you have recommendations for how to address that with my kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

I agree. I see that situation not as them praising him screaming at your kid but at praising the subsequent action of being flexible. I know it’s hard because you are the parents so you feel very protective and attacked.

What would you say to the younger kid who was screamed at?

[Anonymous]

Hard to tell without hearing the other side. As an SN parent, what seems like me spoiling is often my dealing with a very different neurological reality.

[Anonymous]

However, also as an SN mom I always try to explain to people what I'm doing. Certainly a relative i see all the time.

[Anonymous]

OK, I can see how your sibling has a tough row to hoe, and I can see the evidence based approach of praising kid for showing some (?!) flexibility.

BUT. That doesn't mean you have to put up with that abuse, or have your child suffer through it.

I think I would say, listen, sibling, this is a hard conversation. I get what you are trying to do, but I'm not willing to put my kid through abuse. I am putting the health of my kid first, snd we're going ot limit the time they spend together.

I'd never leave my kid alone with this older kid. NEVER.

And I'd tell my younger that his cousin has some issues, really struggles with interactions, and while we love cousin and want to be with him, I will never put you in harm's way again with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However, also as an SN mom I always try to explain to people what I'm doing. Certainly a relative i see all the time.

I would appreciate that kind of general communication. Do you have a recommendation for the best way to raise how to navigate this together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

That is very helpful to know. I was not aware of that.

DP. I’m sure it is hard and unpleasant to spend time with your nephew, but do understand that the current recommended practice for modifying behavior like this in kids with many kids of special needs is to ignore bad behavior (literally) and praise good behavior. This method works, but it takes time and is incremental and incredibly frustrating for everyone. It also looks an awful lot like terrible parenting from the outside, which can be a heavy and lonely load for parents to carry. That your sibling is presumably using this method indicates your nephew has a diagnosis of some sort and they are getting professional guidance. I’d offer them as much love and support as you can.

As for your own kids, I’d take them aside and say something like “what Johnny said was not nice. It hurt your feelings. Maybe he’ll say sorry later. He must be having really big feelings right now, so let’s leave him alone for a while.” Language age dependent, of course. But in private reiterate your belief that unkindness isn’t okay, express concern for your own kid’s feelings, and give a little window into the fact that your nephew doesn’t enjoy feeling like this - believe me, he doesn’t. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not low expectations. That is abusive.

What would you do in this situation?

Take him as much as I can, work with him and set a good example. Not much you can do but call CPS and they probably will not do anything with verbal abuse and if they aren't willing to change, not much CPS can do.