Sibling Has Sadly Low Expectations for Nephew

[Anonymous]

Do you feel like you are protecting your kids from this bad behavior? That should be your first concern. Do they like being around nephew or does he make them uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

How is the nephew’s behavior with your other kids? Are they closer in age to the nephew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

This.

Op you’re under zero obligation to subject your kids to this nephew if you have concerns about their well being or safety, or even if it just doesn’t work well for your family to see him.

You cannot possibly know the medical situation for your nephew. It sounds likely he does have some kind of special needs or behavioral challenges, which your sibling may not have shared with you (or may not have yet accepted or gotten to the bottom of yet).

You sound a little bit smug to me. You realize that not all kids are the same? As parents not everything is within our control. You’re only seeing a snap shot and are not privy to the conversations that have taken place behind closed doors with your nephew’s doctor, teachers, therapist, etc.

Stop judging. Stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Protect your own kid. He can't draw boundaries for himself so it's your job to. The last thing in the world you want to teach him is that it's acceptable for others to abuse him or that he, too, can get what he wants by being abusive. ESPECIALLY since your child is 6 years younger.

I wouldn't assume that they are working with a therapist. I worked in behavior science for a long time (actual science, so reading lots of papers, not just taking a few classes and getting a cert) and there's now a TON of evidence against the whole "ignore it" thing. Also, a good therapist would recognize that the parents need to NOT put their child in situations where he won't be successful. A good intervention program includes tons of environmental adjustments, not just throwing the kid in a bunch of situations and praising them.

I know someone will come on here and tell me I'm wrong because their therapist said XYZ and it worked for their kid, but there's a lot of BS that gets passed around the field. Anyone who distills it down to ignore bad/praise good has no idea what they're doing. That may work for some children but won't for many.

I also don't know ANY therapists who would recommend putting another, smaller, younger child in an abusive situation just so the patient can get "practice".

Either way, bottom line: protect your own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

I agree. I see that situation not as them praising him screaming at your kid but at praising the subsequent action of being flexible. I know it’s hard because you are the parents so you feel very protective and attacked.

+1 it sounds like the parents are aware the kid has challenges and are actually being very mindful of how they respond. I have 2 NT kids that would have been punished for that behavior, and one not so NT kid that wouldn’t be. It’s not that I don’t hope for more for him, I’m just keenly aware of where he is right now.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm being naive but isn't that kind of screaming a different form of aggression? Maybe it isn't physical violence and maybe you have to ratchet down from physical violence, but praising verbal aggression doesn't seem to be the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

I agree. I see that situation not as them praising him screaming at your kid but at praising the subsequent action of being flexible. I know it’s hard because you are the parents so you feel very protective and attacked.

+1 it sounds like the parents are aware the kid has challenges and are actually being very mindful of how they respond. I have 2 NT kids that would have been punished for that behavior, and one not so NT kid that wouldn’t be. It’s not that I don’t hope for more for him, I’m just keenly aware of where he is right now.

As a parent of a SN child, I would advise the parents of the SN boy to avoid your family for the time being. Your child is younger and is not SN, so it is unrealistic to expect you to be understanding or supportive of their struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

This this this.

This is OP. I have thought about this and think there are a lot of things that contribute to the difficulties communicating about this. But through this all, they have pushed and pushed for our kids to spend a lot of time together. I have felt frustrated, but I have also tried to discuss it with them in the most empathetic, positive and productive way I know how. If they aren't clue me in beyond basically saying you're lucky he's not hitting your kid, but they still want the kids to be together a lot, that puts me in a pretty tough position.

Hi OP. Well, I see your point. But if I were you, I would reread your original post and the title of this thread. I was expecting something very, very different from the situation you claim to face based on "sadly" and "low expectations." You are talking about something completely different.

So I would think again about what you said when you were the most empathetic, positive and productive you knew how to be.

Look. I'm doing my best. Before I started this thread, I didn't know that there were evidence-based practices that would support what I called "low expectations." I can't go back in time, but I am doing my best to move forward and to learn.

Hey. Relax. I'm not saying anything about evidence based practice. I don't even know what it is. I'm saying your word choice shows biases you might want to reexamine.

[Anonymous]

Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Get off your high horse OP. They have a lot on their plate and you clearly don’t care enough to try to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Protect your own kid. He can't draw boundaries for himself so it's your job to. The last thing in the world you want to teach him is that it's acceptable for others to abuse him or that he, too, can get what he wants by being abusive. ESPECIALLY since your child is 6 years younger.

I wouldn't assume that they are working with a therapist. I worked in behavior science for a long time (actual science, so reading lots of papers, not just taking a few classes and getting a cert) and there's now a TON of evidence against the whole "ignore it" thing. Also, a good therapist would recognize that the parents need to NOT put their child in situations where he won't be successful. A good intervention program includes tons of environmental adjustments, not just throwing the kid in a bunch of situations and praising them.

I know someone will come on here and tell me I'm wrong because their therapist said XYZ and it worked for their kid, but there's a lot of BS that gets passed around the field. Anyone who distills it down to ignore bad/praise good has no idea what they're doing. That may work for some children but won't for many.

I also don't know ANY therapists who would recommend putting another, smaller, younger child in an abusive situation just so the patient can get "practice".

Either way, bottom line: protect your own child.

I’m sure what you’re saying is factually accurate and good advice-for the parents of the child. OP is the aunt and they aren’t asking for her advice here.

The best thing OP could do is look out for her own kids, and with whatever time/energy she has left, listen to her sibling, and love whatever she can about her nephew.

[Anonymous]

They have the right to do what's best for their kid.

You have the right to do what's best for your kid.

They have the right to select the therapies and interventions that are best for their kid.

They do not have the right to have your kid particpate in said therapy.


They do not get to dictate the terms of your relationship. You both get to set boundaries that work for both kids, that's what's important here The wellbeing of ALL children involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

It’s OP’s business when the message her child is receiving is that it’s okay for people to scream at you and demean you. OP, keep your kid away from your nephew. Sounds like he could snap and hurt your kid. Aside from that, he’s being very unkind to your child and tolerating that sends bad messages to your child about their value to you and self-worth.

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is that they expect the kids to spend a lot of time together. You don’t need to agree. Just say that you understand but your 5 yo is upset so no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

This.
& really you have no clue if he has a diagnosis.
You parent your child. And if that means limiting interactions with a violent family member, then great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

This.
& really you have no clue if he has a diagnosis.
You parent your child. And if that means limiting interactions with a violent family member, then great.

I am assuming they are telling me the truth when they tell me he doesn’t have a diagnosis. They have talked about his/their therapy but never said anything specifically about the approach they’re taking. I am taking what they tell me, observing and doing my best to balance my kids having a relationship with their cousin with my kids’ feelings and my bandwidth to deal with the cousin’s outbursts.