Sibling Has Sadly Low Expectations for Nephew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

I agree. I see that situation not as them praising him screaming at your kid but at praising the subsequent action of being flexible. I know it’s hard because you are the parents so you feel very protective and attacked.

This. There's no worse feeling for me than when my SN child really is doing well and making progress in something and another adult thinks/says that he's not doing it well enough or that I'm not disciplining enough. Most SN parents have to learn to just ignore this criticism bc parents of neurotypical kids usually thinks it's lazy parenting. You would drive yourself crazy explaining all the strategies to others in detail.

For the younger child, explaining we all have differences and challenges and this cousin has a challenge with emotions and violence. Obviously if it's to the point of danger or abuse you need to make a call for your child but this is family and you may be surprised by how empathetic your own child can be to his cousin. Kids that act out don't want to be bad, maybe the cousin and his parents can explain to your kid how he feel in moments like that and how he is working to make it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard to tell without hearing the other side. As an SN parent, what seems like me spoiling is often my dealing with a very different neurological reality.

Spoiling is subjective. This isn't spoiling. This is verbally abusive. "fine you can have it, you're a stupid baby"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:However, also as an SN mom I always try to explain to people what I'm doing. Certainly a relative i see all the time.

I would appreciate that kind of general communication. Do you have a recommendation for the best way to raise how to navigate this together?

I'm pp
I would bring it up away from the kids of course. But you are perfectly within your rights to mention that you find it concerning and would appreciate their acknowledging your child's pain as well.

You sound like nice people and I'm sure you'll come up with a good and appropriate way to bring it up. And you can cut down contact if its harming your child. Charity begins at home.

[Anonymous]

There are some people who cannot have my SN child in their home (in my case. Child is messy and destructive, not aggressive)

& that's fine. We meet outside. They also have to act with consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

That is very helpful to know. I was not aware of that.

DP. I’m sure it is hard and unpleasant to spend time with your nephew, but do understand that the current recommended practice for modifying behavior like this in kids with many kids of special needs is to ignore bad behavior (literally) and praise good behavior. This method works, but it takes time and is incremental and incredibly frustrating for everyone. It also looks an awful lot like terrible parenting from the outside, which can be a heavy and lonely load for parents to carry. That your sibling is presumably using this method indicates your nephew has a diagnosis of some sort and they are getting professional guidance. I’d offer them as much love and support as you can.

As for your own kids, I’d take them aside and say something like “what Johnny said was not nice. It hurt your feelings. Maybe he’ll say sorry later. He must be having really big feelings right now, so let’s leave him alone for a while.” Language age dependent, of course. But in private reiterate your belief that unkindness isn’t okay, express concern for your own kid’s feelings, and give a little window into the fact that your nephew doesn’t enjoy feeling like this - believe me, he doesn’t. Good luck!

This is OP. I appreciate this thoughtful response. Do you also have recommendations for the smaller "bad" or unkind behavior that the parents might be ignoring as part of their practice but still causes my kids to get upset? I truly want to be supportive of what they are dealing with and the approach they are taking but still have to deal with my kid/the conflict that the behavior creates. I have talked with my kids about only being able to control themselves, being responsible for their own happiness, having empathy for the other kid's feelings, etc... but that doesn't necessarily help in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. It sounds like they are doing evidence based therapy to deal with aggressive behavior - which absolutely would involve praising incremental improvements like voluntarily giving back items without hitting.

I agree. I see that situation not as them praising him screaming at your kid but at praising the subsequent action of being flexible. I know it’s hard because you are the parents so you feel very protective and attacked.

What would you say to the younger kid who was screamed at?

I don't think the parents are wrong for praising OP's nephew for not hitting, but that doesn't mean OP's kids need to be subjected to his behavior. I would reduce the amount of time that the cousins get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

This this this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to tell without hearing the other side. As an SN parent, what seems like me spoiling is often my dealing with a very different neurological reality.

Spoiling is subjective. This isn't spoiling. This is verbally abusive. "fine you can have it, you're a stupid baby"

The parent didn’t say that. The older kid said it to the younger kid. Try to keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not low expectations. That is abusive.

What would you do in this situation?

Take him as much as I can, work with him and set a good example. Not much you can do but call CPS and they probably will not do anything with verbal abuse and if they aren't willing to change, not much CPS can do.

What? Read the OP. This is not verbal abuse and there is no reason to call CPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

This this this.

This is OP. I have thought about this and think there are a lot of things that contribute to the difficulties communicating about this. But through this all, they have pushed and pushed for our kids to spend a lot of time together. I have felt frustrated, but I have also tried to discuss it with them in the most empathetic, positive and productive way I know how. If they aren't clue me in beyond basically saying you're lucky he's not hitting your kid, but they still want the kids to be together a lot, that puts me in a pretty tough position.

[Anonymous]

BTW, OP here again. I'm ignoring all of the abuse comments because I don't think they're constructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some people who cannot have my SN child in their home (in my case. Child is messy and destructive, not aggressive)

& that's fine. We meet outside. They also have to act with consideration.

Can you please stick to the topic? Destructive is being aggressive. I have a SN child and years ago we were friendly with another family with a child who was destructive and it greatly upset my child and we had to stop having that child over as the cost of the destructive behavior in terms of replacing and repairs and my child getting upset was not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not low expectations. That is abusive.

What would you do in this situation?

Take him as much as I can, work with him and set a good example. Not much you can do but call CPS and they probably will not do anything with verbal abuse and if they aren't willing to change, not much CPS can do.

What? Read the OP. This is not verbal abuse and there is no reason to call CPS.

If the child is saying it, the parents are allowing it or saying it to him. It doesn't matter who is saying it in her home but the child behaves that way because the parents allow it or say it to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not low expectations. That is abusive.

What would you do in this situation?

Take him as much as I can, work with him and set a good example. Not much you can do but call CPS and they probably will not do anything with verbal abuse and if they aren't willing to change, not much CPS can do.

What? Read the OP. This is not verbal abuse and there is no reason to call CPS.

If the child is saying it, the parents are allowing it or saying it to him. It doesn't matter who is saying it in her home but the child behaves that way because the parents allow it or say it to him.

Wow that is ignorant. You really shouldn’t give parenting advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it sound like they don't think you are a good place to share all of the circumstances they face.

I would think about why they aren't viewing you as an advocate and why they are viewing you as a judge.

This this this.

This is OP. I have thought about this and think there are a lot of things that contribute to the difficulties communicating about this. But through this all, they have pushed and pushed for our kids to spend a lot of time together. I have felt frustrated, but I have also tried to discuss it with them in the most empathetic, positive and productive way I know how. If they aren't clue me in beyond basically saying you're lucky he's not hitting your kid, but they still want the kids to be together a lot, that puts me in a pretty tough position.

Hi OP. Well, I see your point. But if I were you, I would reread your original post and the title of this thread. I was expecting something very, very different from the situation you claim to face based on "sadly" and "low expectations." You are talking about something completely different.

So I would think again about what you said when you were the most empathetic, positive and productive you knew how to be.