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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Oh, honey.  The situation you describe isn't sustainable.  I've been there.  I tried for nearly 3 years, doing it all, trying to get my XDH to get the help he needed so he, again, would be the person I loved so much and who was such a great partner.  He refused.  Still, I tried.  We had 3 small kids and I WOH full time.  I did everything and ended up developing depression myself and going on an SSRI (should have done that sooner).  When I finally realized that nothing was going to change and 'this' was going to be my life unless I did something, I filed for divorce.

Although some said it was a mistake, it wasn't.  My life got immensely easier when I no longer had to accommodate XDH's uncontrolled mental illness and had no expectations of him.  Although it was easy being a single mom, it was far easier than when he was around.  Hugs. [/quote]

I appreciate that sentiment but its not SO bad that it's worth giving up my kids 50% of the time (he would want custody but he'd basically hire help to do all the lifting so I'd be trying to coparent with random nannies or some future unknown girlfriend) or having my kids deal with him without me as a buffer.  I know others might disagree but I think together we could raise our kids with the impact on them being very mild (similar to a dad that golfs on weekends or works all the time and generally isn't very consistentent available) whereas the impact of divorce and living with him 50% of the time without another loving parent around would be much more damaging.

Right now I hold so much anger and resentment every time he bails (which is also damanging to the kids) and i need to find ways to just not be so impacted and able to carry on.  I'm thinking of things like an au pair so I have a stand in second set of hands on weekends and my workload isn't so dependent on whether dh is feeling ok, i should probably get my own therapist....what else can i do to get myself in a stable mental and exhaustion management place[/quote]

Your initial post and your response could be me. Down to every detail (except my spouse has substance abuse issues as well as mental health).

This has what has helped so far:

-individual therapy for myself. weekly.
-stop focusing on him/his health. I only have so much energy and it needs to be directed to me and the kids.
-Read/listen to 'Codependent No More'. Detaching will help you with the resentment. 
-cleaning service every two weeks.
-On weekends when he is not doing well: get out of the house with the kids, order grocery delivery. This is your special time with your young kids and you need to protect it from his mental health bringing everybody down.

-On days when he is doing better and helpful, accept it. 
Don't spend your energy being mad, or arguing.
Take these days and do something fun as a family. This is the gift I am giving my kids- family memories. If I spent those days mad and angry, there would be no point to the sacrifices.

I also carve out me time when he is doing well. I go out to dinner with friends, go on long walks alone, whatever I need/want to do to take care of myself.

Not sure of any of this is useful, but it has been helping me a lot. 
Its taking work but these steps/boundaries have helped me get what I absolutely need to function and give my kids the gift of an intact family. I know many people would think divorce is the answer, but after much consideration, this is the path I am choosing, for now. [/quote]

Op here - this is really helpful. I really love the sentiment of doing it as a gift for my kids to give them family memories. I hate when I turn into an angry “nagging” (such an unfair word) wife and also feeding into a hostile dynamic.  Part of me feels like it lets him off the hook to ask nothing of him, but at the end of the day being angry that he checked out accomplishes nothing positive [/quote]

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