If your spouse has mental health issues that are not fully controlled

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in your situation, except I’m the DH. It nearly got to the point of divorce. I had hired a lawyer, process was underway. We then had a death in the family that delayed things.

Somehow, right around that time things began to even out. One major development for us was that I largely took over DW’s healthcare. I forced her to get to psych and therapy appointments that she used to routinely ignore. I administer her meds. I was also able to agree that she could stop working and just focus on being her best self at home and with the kids. The last thing was just a conscious decision not to share in or be overcome by her misery, lashing out, extreme anxiety, etc. I just very firmly do not participate and do not engage.

It sort of worked. The situation now is far from perfect, but it’s also very far from how bad it used to be.

For me, the prospect of divorce was crushing... between missing the kids 50% of the time and being concerned for them when I wasn’t around, I never felt right about it. But we were so hopeless. And then, suddenly, there was a little hope. So while I get that some of the PPs needed to call it quits, at least in our case (so far) things can improve. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

This is your mental illness talking. Please seek help. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

As someone whose parent (unsuccessfully, thankfully) tried to end is life, please do not let your illness convince you that you will be helping the people who love you by hurting yourself. All you will do is create a giant gaping hole in their hearts and lives. The best thing you can do for your family and loved ones is to get help with your mental illness and to keep fighting your demons. Step away to get that help if you need to, but don't give up.

Thanks. Tried the therapy route before and it never works. And I don’t even have the desire to fix it on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

This is your mental illness talking. Please seek help. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

As someone whose parent (unsuccessfully, thankfully) tried to end is life, please do not let your illness convince you that you will be helping the people who love you by hurting yourself. All you will do is create a giant gaping hole in their hearts and lives. The best thing you can do for your family and loved ones is to get help with your mental illness and to keep fighting your demons. Step away to get that help if you need to, but don't give up.

Thanks. Tried the therapy route before and it never works. And I don’t even have the desire to fix it on my own.

PP here. I want you know you did something right today. And that's post on this thread. Today is already kinda a win. I'm serious, and my viewpoint here is just as valid as yours.

I saw 4 psychiatrists before finding the right one (the 5th). The others weren't bad people; they just couldn't figure me out. I didn't make it easy. I really don't like talking about myself even when I'm feeling energetic and hopeful, let alone when I feel like there's no point. Do it for the kids. One more psychiatrist. You can go see mine if you want: Dr. James Lettenberger, 202 862 8422.

[Anonymous]

NP here and I'm going through the same thing. My husband has diagnosed anxiety and hasn't been successful taking his meds (more like he doesn't want to take them); and he also has not attempted therapy. I'm a mess and our marriage is a disaster. He gets irritated easily, I snap right back, and we say some really shitty things to each other. Then we sweep everything under the rug. Our communication has gone down the tubes and we are pretty much living like roommates who share the responsibility of raising 2 kids. I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of our lives and I refuse to stay in a loveless marriage just for the kids. I also don't want to just give up. I want to fight for us. He is a great dad and the children mean the world to him. The truth is I really haven't pushed him to make an effort to see a therapist. I feel like now is the time; and we also need marriage counseling. Can someone tell me how to start? Should we go to individual counseling while we do marriage counseling at the same time, or is one more important than the other right now? How do you convince your significant other to seek help? How can I support him? I'm at a loss so any feedback is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I'm going through the same thing. My husband has diagnosed anxiety and hasn't been successful taking his meds (more like he doesn't want to take them); and he also has not attempted therapy. I'm a mess and our marriage is a disaster. He gets irritated easily, I snap right back, and we say some really shitty things to each other. Then we sweep everything under the rug. Our communication has gone down the tubes and we are pretty much living like roommates who share the responsibility of raising 2 kids. I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of our lives and I refuse to stay in a loveless marriage just for the kids. I also don't want to just give up. I want to fight for us. He is a great dad and the children mean the world to him. The truth is I really haven't pushed him to make an effort to see a therapist. I feel like now is the time; and we also need marriage counseling. Can someone tell me how to start? Should we go to individual counseling while we do marriage counseling at the same time, or is one more important than the other right now? How do you convince your significant other to seek help? How can I support him? I'm at a loss so any feedback is helpful.

start with individual therapy yourself. By your own admission you snap back and say some really shitting things to him too. Work on yourself and how you respond, learn tools to de-escalate and improve your own mind and communications. Drop pushing therapy on him until you have a better handle on your own thoughts and emotions. Then, either by seeing the change in you or by being able to more clearly communicate with DH the dire importance of improving your communication - ask him to either attend with you, or on his own.

best of luck, the first step is being honest with yourself that both of you need help in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have mental health issues. The fear my spouse would leave me adds to the anxiety and unlovable/rejected feeling. Maybe your DH can sense you hate him and want to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have mental health issues. The fear my spouse would leave me adds to the anxiety and unlovable/rejected feeling. Maybe your DH can sense you hate him and want to leave?

There's certainly that possibility (i definitely don't hate him, but i can see how he could get into that thought spiral when i do resent how much i can't depend on him for anything). sometimes i feel like what he wants is for me to have no needs of my own and to just exist as a person to support him and catch all the balls he can't handle. he says he loves me so much but i often feel that love is only in relation to him, not about me as an individual unique person.

given your spouse is a human being also with their own needs for support and attention and their own stress and frustrations that sometimes come out in imperfect ways, what do you wish they'd do to make the overall situation better (i mean that as a serious question)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won't get them 50% of the time if the mental illness is documented.

That's not my understanding. Beyond diagnosis and that he's in treatment there's nothing that would really show up (physical abuse, inability to hold a job, dangerous to self / others, substance abuse etc). If it was contentious it'd just be my word against his that he spends every other weekend in the basement hiding from the world and my asking him to take on firm commitments sends him into panic attacks.

If I'm not understanding it correctly though, please let me know!

I need to better understand this to with an ASD, bipolar work addict spouse. How do family courts view this? It’s beyond a struggle at home for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have mental health issues. The fear my spouse would leave me adds to the anxiety and unlovable/rejected feeling. Maybe your DH can sense you hate him and want to leave?

Wouldn’t your counselor tell you to leave if your spouse hates you and resents you? That or start working in regaining trust and managing your symptoms. But many people are better people with family/kid responsibilities only 20-50% of the time. And if the other parent is managing all the mental load and schedule, tour 20-50% of the time is just fun and follow the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting to read as I feel I am the spouse with some serious mental health issues. Sometimes I want to end it all to alleviate them or anyone having to deal with me at all.

I hear you. I am that spouse, too. Your loss would be far more devastating than helping to manage your mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in your situation, except I’m the DH. It nearly got to the point of divorce. I had hired a lawyer, process was underway. We then had a death in the family that delayed things.

Somehow, right around that time things began to even out. One major development for us was that I largely took over DW’s healthcare. I forced her to get to psych and therapy appointments that she used to routinely ignore. I administer her meds. I was also able to agree that she could stop working and just focus on being her best self at home and with the kids. The last thing was just a conscious decision not to share in or be overcome by her misery, lashing out, extreme anxiety, etc. I just very firmly do not participate and do not engage.

It sort of worked. The situation now is far from perfect, but it’s also very far from how bad it used to be.

For me, the prospect of divorce was crushing... between missing the kids 50% of the time and being concerned for them when I wasn’t around, I never felt right about it. But we were so hopeless. And then, suddenly, there was a little hope. So while I get that some of the PPs needed to call it quits, at least in our case (so far) things can improve. GL.

Don't you also love her and want to honor your vows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here and I'm going through the same thing. My husband has diagnosed anxiety and hasn't been successful taking his meds (more like he doesn't want to take them); and he also has not attempted therapy. I'm a mess and our marriage is a disaster. He gets irritated easily, I snap right back, and we say some really shitty things to each other. Then we sweep everything under the rug. Our communication has gone down the tubes and we are pretty much living like roommates who share the responsibility of raising 2 kids. I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of our lives and I refuse to stay in a loveless marriage just for the kids. I also don't want to just give up. I want to fight for us. He is a great dad and the children mean the world to him. The truth is I really haven't pushed him to make an effort to see a therapist. I feel like now is the time; and we also need marriage counseling. Can someone tell me how to start? Should we go to individual counseling while we do marriage counseling at the same time, or is one more important than the other right now? How do you convince your significant other to seek help? How can I support him? I'm at a loss so any feedback is helpful.

start with individual therapy yourself. By your own admission you snap back and say some really shitting things to him too. Work on yourself and how you respond, learn tools to de-escalate and improve your own mind and communications. Drop pushing therapy on him until you have a better handle on your own thoughts and emotions. Then, either by seeing the change in you or by being able to more clearly communicate with DH the dire importance of improving your communication - ask him to either attend with you, or on his own.

best of luck, the first step is being honest with yourself that both of you need help in the marriage.

Thank you so much, PP. Everything you say makes sense and I really needed to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Amazing how people give up on their "loved ones" over a disease. If it were cancer-would you give up? Mental illness is a disease, not a choice

end the stigma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how people give up on their "loved ones" over a disease. If it were cancer-would you give up? Mental illness is a disease, not a choice

end the stigma

Nope, sorry, doesn't work that way. The more we learn about the brain, the more we see that every undesirable trait or behavior that we used to ascribe to assholery is the result of some physiological thing. It's still abusive behavior toward the recipient. No one should be mistreated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amazing how people give up on their "loved ones" over a disease. If it were cancer-would you give up? Mental illness is a disease, not a choice

end the stigma

Nope, sorry, doesn't work that way. The more we learn about the brain, the more we see that every undesirable trait or behavior that we used to ascribe to assholery is the result of some physiological thing. It's still abusive behavior toward the recipient. No one should be mistreated.

Yeah, it didn't sound like op is being abused. It sounds like she's tired of supporting him. Big difference.