New Stepmother spending night on the couch with DD

[Anonymous]

My 5.5 year old daughter recently told me that when she's at her daddy's house, she and her new stepmother have "sleepovers" on the couch, sleeping there together the whole night.

It's a same-gender thing so I don't have the same "ick" that I might otherwise, but it strikes me as really weird. Stepmother and daddy have been married four months; she's only lived there eight month, and DD is only with them 2 nights per week. That sounds weirdly intimate to me. Plus I tend to be more careful about DD getting good sleep, which means in a bed, with no distractions. I'm not even sure why this creeps me out. It's not jealousy, as I know that I'm the primary person in my daughter's life and that the other relationship is kind of babysitter like and superficial. Still, I'm wondering about it. I know that stepmother has passed herself off as mother to a couple of other parents at school, because when I've introduced myself as the mother, they look at me like I'm nuts.

I'm happy that DD has someone she likes in the other household. Her daddy can be less than understanding or sensitive, so it's nice that someone over there is easier. Still, I don't know.

Is this all normal? There's tons of dysfunction between the adults, but usually not too many disagreements about the best choices for DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that stepmother has passed herself off as mother to a couple of other parents at school, because when I've introduced myself as the mother, they look at me like I'm nuts.

it seems strange that she's passed herself off as anything other than the stepmother. i'm not sure what i would do, but i'd probably start with talking to the dad.

[Anonymous]

They sleep on a couch or do you mean, a pulled out double-mattress sofabed?

Also, what does your daughter say about these sleepovers? Does she like them? Ask for them? Is she lonely when she goes over there? n Does she like to sleep next to you in your bed at times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know that stepmother has passed herself off as mother to a couple of other parents at school, because when I've introduced myself as the mother, they look at me like I'm nuts.

it seems strange that she's passed herself off as anything other than the stepmother. i'm not sure what i would do, but i'd probably start with talking to the dad.

Yes, that is quite weird.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps your DD's dad and her stepmother aren't getting along and she routinely sleeps on the couch?

But I'm guessing it's more likely that your DD had a hard time sleeping there the first few times, and the stepmother tried to help out.

Either way, I would just talk with the stepmother. Tell her you don't mind the "sleepover" thing, and that you know that she wants to make your DD comfortable, but that you really would rather prefer that your DD slept separately from her. Give her some examples of either they are each in their own sleeping bags, or one of them is on the couch an the other isn't, etc, or your DD is in a guest bed, etc. Then give your DD her own child size sleeping bag, so she will be ready to sleep separately there. Then make it clear to DD that she needs to sleep on her own there.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's weird. Maybe your DD misses you and wanted some company at night/wasn't sleeping well there alone.

It does sound like jealousy to me, esp. since you call her "babysitter-like and superficial." I doubt new stepmom views herself that way, and rightly so on her part. She is a permanent part of your kid's life now, not a babysitter. Get over it.

It is also quite possible that she didn't tell anyone she was the mother, but people just assumed after seeing her with DD. Particularly if all the evidence you have is that people looked at you sideways when you said you were her mother.

[Anonymous]

I think it's weird, but not necessarily bad, and I say that as a step mother myself. It bears watching, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either way, I would just talk with the stepmother. Tell her you don't mind the "sleepover" thing, and that you know that she wants to make your DD comfortable, but that you really would rather prefer that your DD slept separately from her. Give her some examples of either they are each in their own sleeping bags, or one of them is on the couch an the other isn't, etc, or your DD is in a guest bed, etc. Then give your DD her own child size sleeping bag, so she will be ready to sleep separately there. Then make it clear to DD that she needs to sleep on her own there.

Why does she need to sleep on her own there? DD isn't complaining. This reeks of control freak/jealousy -- I wouldn't do it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your DD's dad and her stepmother aren't getting along and she routinely sleeps on the couch?

But I'm guessing it's more likely that your DD had a hard time sleeping there the first few times, and the stepmother tried to help out.

Either way, I would just talk with the stepmother. Tell her you don't mind the "sleepover" thing, and that you know that she wants to make your DD comfortable, but that you really would rather prefer that your DD slept separately from her. Give her some examples of either they are each in their own sleeping bags, or one of them is on the couch an the other isn't, etc, or your DD is in a guest bed, etc. Then give your DD her own child size sleeping bag, so she will be ready to sleep separately there. Then make it clear to DD that she needs to sleep on her own there.

Not your place to tell the stepmother what to do, especially in her house. Can't imagine that telling her to sleep in a sleeping bag would go over well.

[Anonymous]

10:06 asks some good questions. If your DD isn't lonely/asking for the comfort when she is there, I'd be worried. Worst case scenario - some women are molestestors (usually men, yes, but not always) and at a minimum, she's trying to force herself emotionally on your DD (posing as her mom, sleeping with her rather than her husband). Possible she's just really insecure and trying way too hard, but if it makes your daughter uncomfortable, it's not OK, and agree that talking to ex makes the most sense. FWIW, I am a stepmom to 2 boys, now in college, but when they were younger, I wanted very much for them to like me, but I would never have thought to sleep with them, even when they were really little.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They live at the same place my ex has lived since 2006, and Stepmom just moved in last Spring. My daughter is NOT unable to sleep over there, and it's not a matter of comforting her. DD enjoys it, but it was entirely the stepmother's idea. I think that stepmother and dad get along, but if they didn't, it would be weird if stepmother went to DD, who sleeps just fine in her room, for comfort. It's just a couch, not a pullout, so that means a pretty tall adult and a school-aged child squished on top of each other.

As far as I can tell, the only reason that they do this is that the stepmother wanted to.

I know it's isn't my place to tell my ex what to do unless a matter of safety or inappropriate behavior, but I believe that I have authority over a woman who's known this child less than a year and is not a party to our custody agreement. Naturally ex would back her up, but I'm feeling very uncomfortable with this. What kind of a grown woman wants to sleep on a couch with a five-year-old who is not her daughter instead of with her new husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They live at the same place my ex has lived since 2006, and Stepmom just moved in last Spring. My daughter is NOT unable to sleep over there, and it's not a matter of comforting her. DD enjoys it, but it was entirely the stepmother's idea. I think that stepmother and dad get along, but if they didn't, it would be weird if stepmother went to DD, who sleeps just fine in her room, for comfort. It's just a couch, not a pullout, so that means a pretty tall adult and a school-aged child squished on top of each other.

As far as I can tell, the only reason that they do this is that the stepmother wanted to.

I know it's isn't my place to tell my ex what to do unless a matter of safety or inappropriate behavior, but I believe that I have authority over a woman who's known this child less than a year and is not a party to our custody agreement. Naturally ex would back her up, but I'm feeling very uncomfortable with this. What kind of a grown woman wants to sleep on a couch with a five-year-old who is not her daughter instead of with her new husband?

I agree totally, and I'm a stepmother. There's a delicate balance there between fostering a loving relationship between step parent and child and making sure that the child's parents' wishes are respected. I defer to my husband first on parenting issues of his children, but I always keep their mom's wishes (or what I might think are her wishes) in mind as well.

I don't know what kind of person the new wife is, but it might be worth just establishing a connection with her of some sort. You don't even have to bring up the sofa thing, just get the lines of communication open. And of course, always honor your child's feelings and concerns about this.

Good luck. This coparenting stuff is complex.

[Anonymous]

I meant to ask, are they just falling asleep watching TV or something like that?

[Anonymous]

maybe she's trying to "bond" with your daughter by doing a sleepover. most young kids think that sleepovers are fun.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the couch sleepovers (perhaps little fun campouts in front of the TV) is weird at all. The passing off being the mom at school is a bit strange since she could just as easily say stepmom.

I think you should feel fortunate that the stepmom seems to genuinely care about your daughter; and yes, is bonding with her (which I see nothing wrong with). At least she is not ignoring your DD and treating her bad. If you start complaining about stepmom spending quality time with your DD, then it may come off as 'jealously'.