New Stepmother spending night on the couch with DD

[Anonymous]

i don't care what anyone says, I think it's really wierd that a grown adult - even if it's a woman, sleeps with your child on her at night, on a couch. No adult likes to sleep like that, not really even with their own children, especially thru the night. I would be very weary of this situation ( speaking from personal childhood abuse) maybe I'm overreatcting, but I don't think this makes sense, especially with a 5 yr old. You should talk to your husband. Clearly this is an issue and your gut tells you so, and that's why you've posted it. don't feel stupid for questioning it. I don't like the sound of it one bit. I would never ever do this with anyone else's child, not even my sisters who i love love dearly....i just think it's wierd!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, had another thought. You might want to tread lightly with your Ex because you don't want to put your daughter in the middle.

If you use an accusatory tone, the SM may feel resentful or embarrassed about being "ratted out" by your DD, even if she was just innocently trying to bond. This may set up a situation where she tries to tell DD not to tell you certain things so she doesn't "get into trouble" with you.

I would pose this issue as non-confrontationally as possible. For instance, that the real issue is your daughter's sleep pattern and habits and that they are consistent in the two homes to keep her on schedule and prevent confusion. Having your DH agree that the best place for your DD is in her own bed, with the lights out by Xpm, etc. so that you are both on the same page and prevent night problems. Unless you are really, really creeped out and do in fact think something inappropriate is going on here---but that doesn't sound like the case.

Just remember your child has to deal with both families, and any conflict is going to really put her on the spot potentially. Does this SM have other kids? She may just not know what is normal or appropriate yet and is trying to hard to be close to your DD.

Not to be insensitive to the plight of the step mom, but really, how close does she need to be with DD? OP is the primary caregiver. If Dad only has DD 2 nights per week, why is step mom doing all of this additional bonding? And, why is dad missing from this picture? OP says that step mom doesn't want anything to do with her and she's pretty sure that ex-hub has poured negative information into her ear. Maybe if step mom thinks OP is crazy/lousy mother and that sooner or later she and dad will become primary caregivers to the girl, then I can sort of understand her motivation for the extra bonding.

From the info we don't have, EX-DH doesn't seem concerned where his wife or daughter are sleeping during his nights. OP says that he's selfish so why isn't he upset that his wife isn't in his bed those nights?

If OP told DD to sleep in her own bed whenever she's over there (proper sleep habits, etc...) and DD told step mom this the next time she started preparing their couch bed, if everything is legit, DD should not be put on the spot. If step mom feels offended she'll say something to DH about his crazy ex. He'll in turn say something to OP who will explain her concern for their daughter's sleep habit.

[Anonymous]

Been thinking about this - maybe your ex-husband is passing off the bedtime duties to the SM and this is the only way she can figure out how to get your DD to bed? I'm not saying this as an excuse, just as a possible explanation which you would then need to discuss either with your ex or both of them that this is not an appropriate putting to bed strategy and explain how/when, etc. DD needs to go to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Just to chime in again, there are going to be a million issues that come up over the years. This is a perfect time to start to get used to dealing with your ex on a different level. All communications should go through him, not the step mom and just try to bring it up calmly. I agree with the poster who said not to make it about bonding/stepmom etc, but to discuss it as a sleep issue. It makes it seem less personal and more manageable. I think that everyone is pretty sensitive to the issue of abuse, but statistically this is probably not the case here. Just an inappropriate way of dealing with things. I think there's a big in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your exhusband sleeping alone in their bedroom while this is going on? Is he even in the house during your daughter's overnight visits? While you were married did you sleep with your daughter out on the couch? Why is he going along with this, accepting it as normal behavior.

OP, you are your daughter's mother and clearly you find this situation weird. It should end right there. Would your ex get on DCUM and pose this question about new step daddy spooning his daughter on the living room couch while you slept soundly elsewhere in the house. I don't think so. Step mom has her legs and arms wrapped around your daughter on the couch, yet her dad is fine with this? This picture just isn't making any sense to me. You really need to talk to him and confront this concern.

Step mom evidentally doesn't understand how boundaries work and that she's behaving inappropriately.

This is a very good reply. I would just add that even if no sexual abuse is involved right now, it could be - very soon. Predators groom their victims just like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your exhusband sleeping alone in their bedroom while this is going on? Is he even in the house during your daughter's overnight visits? While you were married did you sleep with your daughter out on the couch? Why is he going along with this, accepting it as normal behavior.

OP, you are your daughter's mother and clearly you find this situation weird. It should end right there. Would your ex get on DCUM and pose this question about new step daddy spooning his daughter on the living room couch while you slept soundly elsewhere in the house. I don't think so. Step mom has her legs and arms wrapped around your daughter on the couch, yet her dad is fine with this? This picture just isn't making any sense to me. You really need to talk to him and confront this concern.

Step mom evidentally doesn't understand how boundaries work and that she's behaving inappropriately.

This is a very good reply. I would just add that even if no sexual abuse is involved right now, it could be - very soon. Predators groom their victims just like this.

It doesn't sound like DD likes her dad from what OP said in her original post. Does step mother realize that DD isn't crazy about her dad? So if something more inappropriate occurred between DD and the Step mother in the middle of the night she's a captive. If SM is a predator, she sure has a great setup.

OP, you and your EX has given this woman physical access to your little girl, by not speaking up. DD's dressed in her bedtime attire or less during these all-night, couch sleepovers. Step mother could be touching,etc. your vulnerable DD while she's sound asleep.

No way in hell, would this situation be okay with me.

[Anonymous]

I find it beyond weird and would definitely say something. I also would be really p.o.'d that she tried to pass herself off as 'mom'-- that is just WRONG. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Just another voice saying this is completely inappropriate. I have a 5 year old DD as well. There is no good explanation, at best it is weird. It sounds like you have very good communication with your DD, whatever you do you do not want to make your DD feel like you betrayed a confidence. When you have a conversation with your ex-H about it, I would make sure you explain it to your DD in a way she can understand but is not judgmental of Step-M (I talked to daddy about your sleeping with step-M, I know you said it is fun but it is not a healthy way to sleep because you will not get the deep sleep you need to grow strong like you need to - or something like that). This is both because she is likely to repeat it to them and also because you want her to keep confiding in you.

Good luck, you need to trust your instincts (read the Gift of Fear for validation on that).

[Anonymous]

I tried taking a nap with a 2y/o (my own daughter, of course) on my couch (which for only me is spacious and comfortable) and I couldn't. I can't see why on earth this would happen "just because it's fun."
This makes my skin crawl for some reason. And it's less for the sexual context and more for the "the hand that rocks the cradle" context.

[Anonymous]

For people who do not even know all the facts, you guys are sooo overreacting.

[Anonymous]

I posted a while back. I really do not understand all of the talk about a stranger having access to your daughter. The stepmother is your daughter's family and, if all goes well, is someone your daughter will view as an additional parent. I would have no problem at all with my sister's husband sleeping on a couch with my five year old son. If something specific gave me the willies about it, then I might be concerned, but it seems that OP is really just opposed to this degree of proximity between her and her ex-husband's daughter and her stepmom. People are different in how cuddly they are, and ways in which they show comfort, without being a threat. Absent a particular reason to be disturbed, OP seems to me just to be upset that another adult with whom her daughter is (and should be) becoming increasingly close, is different from OP in how she demonstrates affection. FWIW, I am probably in the mid-range for physical affection, and have friends and family on either end of the extremes.

This situation is one of the unfortunate consequences that arise when two adults with a child decide to divorce. Or, in OP's case, when she made the decision to do so. Once divorced, you allow your ex-husband or wife to introduce another "parent" into the mix, and you risk that this person will have very different parenting views/styles. While some people seem to view step-parents as a negative, please keep in mind that they are not the ones who broke up your marriage, and more likely than not they would (initially at least) have preferred not to take on a step-role. The step-mom in this case has apparently taken on the role and is probably doing her best. It's not as though people are seeking out spouses who already have kids. Rather, they learn to adjust to it as part of the package of who their future spouse is. And in my experience kids are generally quite fortunate to have stepparents as they eventually help to take the edge off of the parents who decided to split. And no, I am not a stepparent, nor do I sleep on couches with people. But then, I don't do many things my friends with healthy, happy families do. Each family is different, and that is a good thing.

OP just sounds to me that she doesn't want her daughter to have a family that is different from OP's version in any measurable way. Doesn't even seem to recognize that her daughter already has an additional parent figure, as evidenced by OP's referencing her ex-husband's spouse as being more of a "babysitter."

[Anonymous]

Stepmom here, and I think its weird and do not think OP is overreacting or has control issues--and it also sounds as if OP and her ex are not doing a great job of co-parenting, which means being able to really communicate about the needs of their child.

Perhaps SM is just trying to bond and is not a predator but there are many, many ways to forge a bond with a child that don't include sleeping together. If DD were the one coming to SM for comfort, that's one thing, but that it is initiated by SM is really odd and I think inappropriate. Maybe she's just insecure (fwiw, as an older child, I had an insecure stepmother who tried to insert herself in my life and assert her presence by excluding any alone/bonding time I could have had with my father, who caved to her controlling behavior --even allowing her to get on the phone whenever I called, never letting me even speak to him alone). Also odd is the absence of the ex in this picture--what is he doing during these sleepovers? His daughter is there only two nights a week, and she spends it on the couch with stepmom? how involved is he in his daughter's life in general?

finally, I am one for children being able to sleep independently--it sounds as if the daughter is fine doing that, but SM is disrupting her autonomy--and while things don't have to be identical at both homes, I do wonder about setting up very different expectations/schedules/patterns for a young child. If things like bedtimes should be consistent, so should where and how you sleep.

As for SM not communicating with mom, that's unfortunate. I'm on the other side of the equation, mom wont discuss anything at all with me (or even acknowledge my presence), even though I do spend lots of time with my stepchild and strive, as much as possible, to be supportive and to create consistency and structure that mimics DSC's life at mom's as much as possible (which is hard since DH and his ex don't communicate well either).