New Stepmother spending night on the couch with DD

[Anonymous]

Another stepmom here. I think this is very inappropriate. Some experience on the issue here- my SD slept with her mom until she was 10. Even after she was married. Some weird co-dependency issue- was more of a mom issue than the DD's issue.

What I would do is address it with your ex. I have a pretty good relationship with my SD's mom, and she is nuts (really). The reason why we are still able to get along, is because all we talk about is the weather (or other mundane things). I don't "get into it" with her over ANYTHING. That's my DH's job. I don't think you want to open that door with her. You should funnel everything through your ex. (Also, I wouldn't get into dinner or coffee with her. I would be friendly, but not friends. Any benefits can really be outweighed by drama, and you just don't want that.)

That being said, he might not address things, or he might ignore your requests. This has been going on for a bit, it might take a while to stop. It will eventually end. (Hopefully not at 10 like us...) I would calmly let him know that you would like DD to have her own sleeping space at night. If that space is the couch, you do not feel comfortable having SM sleep there too. If she wishes to sleep in the room, that is fine, but could she sleep on the floor? (I still think this is weird, but I'm in the school of working with what you have to...)

Then, you have made your request. I would continue to calmly repeat your request as needed. This will probably not end b/c you asked for it to, at some point, it may turn into a power struggle. That's why I would try to keep calm, and don't get too hung up on immediate compliance- if you do, you just enter the world of secrets. (Been there). It will still happen, but DD will be asked to lie about it.

Then, I would have a talk with DD, and tell her she is a big girl, and ask her if she is a big enough girl to sleep in her own bed. Maybe give her a toy or something to help her with special powers for good dreams, but it will only work when she is in her own bed (or sleeping space). Tell her that as her mommy, you do not want her sharing a bed with other people. That she is big enough to have her own bed, and can she work on that?

Then I would role play a little on how to say no with her. I wouldn't expect too much. SM sounds a little nuts to me... But taken slowly, and without being too pushy with DD, just be patient, I think this will stop. You will have to constantly repeat this. Don't get into asking her too much what happened over the weekend, if it was "fixed" yet (as long as you are not getting any vibes there is a larger issue), just keep giving her tools to have her own sleeping space.

Now, a comment about the passing oneself off as the mom thing. (Sorry- long post i know). Sometimes this happens unintentionally. I don't tell everyone I am SD's SM, b/c sometimes we are only talking for a second, and its more of a big thing to do. I NEVER say I am her mom. And I am always up front about it. But more in passing with brief interactions this can be an issue. It sounds like your DD's SM may be intentionally doing this, and that is totally unacceptable, but I did want to allow for the possibility that it can happen unintentionally.

Good luck. Nothing will change the bond that you and your daughter have. SM sounds maybe a bit insecure, she is probably trying way too hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right to feel the situation is weird -and, if this woman routinely shuts you out, sleeping arrangements may be something to revisit in your custody agreement.

I'm wondering how many people would think this is appropriate if it were a stepdad doing this with a stepchild.

Signed someone who was molested by the same sex stepparent.

A man? 94% of reported molestations against females are perpetrated by males.

Hey, a$$hole, thanks for completely disregarding those of us in the other 6%. People like you are the reason why victims of molestation feel ashamed. I hope your kid never ends up in either the 6% or the 94% because heaven knows you would just start quoting a bunch of stats to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But PP, all night for 2 nights per week? On a regular sized sofa? Who sleeps like that? I think it's creepy. Can you imagine being SM and defending that in court? What is she achieving that couldn't be achieved during non-sleeping time? Kids can be manipulated in all kinds of ways so I wouldn't hang it on the kid's feeling about it. This isn't kissing Great Aunt Tilly on the cheek. I think this is WAY OUTSIDE THE NORM of how people sleep, never mind sleep with their stepchildren all night, repeatedly. I think people are trying to normalize something that is really not normal.

PP here, and I do agree with you...and the more I think about it, the more disturbing I find the whole situation..

[Anonymous]

As a step-mom who came into my SD's life at a similar age, I think this is a tough situation. Clearly Mom is uncomfortable with this and that should not be dismissed, but she should consider why she is uncomfortable and try to talk to her ex about what is really happening. Sometimes 5 year olds will say it's a "sleep over" and "all night" when it is just falling asleep during a movie. It may also sound like it happens "all the time" when in fact it was just once or twice. I'm not saying the child is not telling the truth, just to consider how we interpret things and kids interpret them.

My gut reaction is SM is just forging a relationship and trying to make the SD not feel "displaced", but part of the family since all the changes, but I could be wrong.

OP's comments about having authority over the SM sound a bit controlling to me. It is hard to trust your DC to someone else, but in a shared custody situation, it is important to have some trust and not put the child in the middle. I agree with giving the child some skills and letting them know it is okay to ask to go to sleep in her own bed, but also think you have to be very careful not to put the child in the middle where they are torn between two parents.

Finally, it is amazing how many people at school or other places assume the female with a child is the mother. As a step parent I try to correct them when it is a person we will interact with again, but sometimes it gets confusing and difficult. My SD now just gives me a knowing smile and ignores people sometimes, and others one of us just clarifies.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP, you haven't given us any reason to think that your ex-husband has poor parenting judgment, and he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Perhaps your daughter senses (or explicitly hears) your views of her step-mother, and your daughter elects not to tell you that she may be initiating (or at least jointly initiating) the sleep-overs. Reading what you've written about her, I can understand why step-mom doesn't want to engage with you on matters, and why a daughter might not want you to know that she's becoming emotionally close to her step-parent whom you view as a "babysitter." And wow how wrong you are when you say you have control over your ex-husband's new wife. Even if you were able to exert some form of superficial control through the legal system, you would most likely win a small battle and lose a big war. I have no idea what your marriage was like, or anything about you or the others involved, but your posting doesn't look so good, and if the step-mom (or anyone who knows her well enough to know the family and sleeping arrangement) reads this, I think you've done yourself a big disservice. I hope to God that this isn't one of the relatively rare instances of same-sex abuse between women, and I certainly appreciate your concern, but you really do sound over the top. Maybe this is just your stress about the issue showing, but, really, if it's likely your ex or step-mom may read this thread, you may want to consider doing some damage control.

[Anonymous]

Sleepovers on the couch were totally normal in my family, especially on snowy, cold nights. We all piled on, made popcorn, watched a movie (back in the days when you had to wait for movies to be shows on network TV) and slept all together, quite horribly, in the pull-out. We loved it! I can't wait to have nights like that with my daughter (she's just two and MUCH too squirmy to sleep with).

So the sleep-on-the-couch thing sounds totally normal and fun to me. A "girlfriend" kind of thing to do. Not intimate at all in an icky way, per se.

[Anonymous]

There is no pull-out in OP's scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP, you haven't given us any reason to think that your ex-husband has poor parenting judgment, and he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Perhaps your daughter senses (or explicitly hears) your views of her step-mother, and your daughter elects not to tell you that she may be initiating (or at least jointly initiating) the sleep-overs. Reading what you've written about her, I can understand why step-mom doesn't want to engage with you on matters, and why a daughter might not want you to know that she's becoming emotionally close to her step-parent whom you view as a "babysitter." And wow how wrong you are when you say you have control over your ex-husband's new wife. Even if you were able to exert some form of superficial control through the legal system, you would most likely win a small battle and lose a big war. I have no idea what your marriage was like, or anything about you or the others involved, but your posting doesn't look so good, and if the step-mom (or anyone who knows her well enough to know the family and sleeping arrangement) reads this, I think you've done yourself a big disservice. I hope to God that this isn't one of the relatively rare instances of same-sex abuse between women, and I certainly appreciate your concern, but you really do sound over the top. Maybe this is just your stress about the issue showing, but, really, if it's likely your ex or step-mom may read this thread, you may want to consider doing some damage control.

I can see the chip on your shoulder from a mile away...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP, you haven't given us any reason to think that your ex-husband has poor parenting judgment, and he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Perhaps your daughter senses (or explicitly hears) your views of her step-mother, and your daughter elects not to tell you that she may be initiating (or at least jointly initiating) the sleep-overs. Reading what you've written about her, I can understand why step-mom doesn't want to engage with you on matters, and why a daughter might not want you to know that she's becoming emotionally close to her step-parent whom you view as a "babysitter." And wow how wrong you are when you say you have control over your ex-husband's new wife. Even if you were able to exert some form of superficial control through the legal system, you would most likely win a small battle and lose a big war. I have no idea what your marriage was like, or anything about you or the others involved, but your posting doesn't look so good, and if the step-mom (or anyone who knows her well enough to know the family and sleeping arrangement) reads this, I think you've done yourself a big disservice. I hope to God that this isn't one of the relatively rare instances of same-sex abuse between women, and I certainly appreciate your concern, but you really do sound over the top. Maybe this is just your stress about the issue showing, but, really, if it's likely your ex or step-mom may read this thread, you may want to consider doing some damage control.

I totally totally totally agree.

[Anonymous]

I am in the minority here, but I do not think it is that weird. Then again is it a cultural difference?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm with you. No way, no how would I want my young child cuddling up all night (twice a week) with my husband's new wife. 1. You don't know her. 2. You know your ex, possibly this woman is your polar opposite (in his head a better sex partner than you).

Be direct with your husband that you want the "sofa sleepovers" to end. And what's up with him that he's sleeping alone for 2 nights. He's selfish, right? Wouldn't he be jealous of the attention that his new wife is spending on your daughter? Or is he okay with it because your daughter doesn't want to sleep there and he doesn't want to deal with the emotions of the situation?

If he doesn't want to talk about the sleepovers, threaten to take him back to court.

For the PP who quoted the stats on male child molesters, please. In DC's sex offender's registry I made a disturbing discovery. One of the kindest, warmest, sweetest women in my neighborhood was in it. Her offenses: several molestation charges against young, family members under the age of 13. OP, you can never be too careful. In this situation, you (Mom) are allowing your little 5 y.o. daughter to sleep with a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sleepovers on the couch were totally normal in my family, especially on snowy, cold nights. We all piled on, made popcorn, watched a movie (back in the days when you had to wait for movies to be shows on network TV) and slept all together, quite horribly, in the pull-out. We loved it! I can't wait to have nights like that with my daughter (she's just two and MUCH too squirmy to sleep with).

So the sleep-on-the-couch thing sounds totally normal and fun to me. A "girlfriend" kind of thing to do. Not intimate at all in an icky way, per se.

If it were a pull out sofa, I'd have far less problem with it.

But the OP is describing the Step Mom and child sleeping together, just on a regular sofa. That's really weird. There isn't enough room for an adult and a 5 year old to sleep together on a sofa. They would need to sleep very "intimately", spooning in together. I've slept like this with my own children when they were toddlers and sick, if we were up late at night and I had the tv on to keep them occupied while waiting for them to calm down or for the medication to take effect. It is not a good night's sleep and it is not comfortable. It should not be a routine way to sleep.

[Anonymous]

What PP said, and this is 2 FULL NIGHTS per week on a couch. Not normal, not comfortable, not necessary, so you have to wonder WHY?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sleepovers on the couch were totally normal in my family, especially on snowy, cold nights. We all piled on, made popcorn, watched a movie (back in the days when you had to wait for movies to be shows on network TV) and slept all together, quite horribly, in the pull-out. We loved it! I can't wait to have nights like that with my daughter (she's just two and MUCH too squirmy to sleep with).

So the sleep-on-the-couch thing sounds totally normal and fun to me. A "girlfriend" kind of thing to do. Not intimate at all in an icky way, per se.

If it were a pull out sofa, I'd have far less problem with it.

But the OP is describing the Step Mom and child sleeping together, just on a regular sofa. That's really weird. There isn't enough room for an adult and a 5 year old to sleep together on a sofa. They would need to sleep very "intimately", spooning in together. I've slept like this with my own children when they were toddlers and sick, if we were up late at night and I had the tv on to keep them occupied while waiting for them to calm down or for the medication to take effect. It is not a good night's sleep and it is not comfortable. It should not be a routine way to sleep.

Completely agree, I'm not sure people realize how uncomfortable it is to lie on a sofa with a toddler/young child. Very uncomfortable for an hour, how is this woman able to sleep like this for 2 nights. Children are very active sleepers. It surprises me that your daughter isn't complaining about the discomfort of sleeping with her on the sofa. Why did she tell you about this sleeping arrangement anyway? In order to get a decent night of sleep, they would either have to tightly spoon/embrace face-to-face or someone will land on the floor. Blankets and pillows or sleeping bags on the floor would be far more comfortable, after all this time I'm surprised step mom hadn't considered this.

[Anonymous]

She hasn't considered it because she wants the full body contact with the kid for whatever reason. Otherwise she might consider them each sleeping in their own bed. Another position could be the kid literally sleeping on top of her. It is hard to sleep on a couch with a bigger infant never mind a school aged child.

A couch is narrower than a twin bed, isn't it?