New Stepmother spending night on the couch with DD

[Anonymous]

I think people are losing sight of something: it sounds like the step-mother has been in the child's life for less than a year (if I'm reading this correctly). In the grand scheme of things that makes her a relative unknown for the OP and by extension, for the child. Would mothers let anyone else play sleepover on the couch under these circumstances? Step-mother is an arbitrary title; it doesn't confer some sort of automatic mothering ability on the person. I don't think there's anything untoward going on here, I just think the step-mother is trying to force an intimate bond with the child when it's awfully premature.

[Anonymous]

You are right to feel the situation is weird -and, if this woman routinely shuts you out, sleeping arrangements may be something to revisit in your custody agreement.

I'm wondering how many people would think this is appropriate if it were a stepdad doing this with a stepchild.

Signed someone who was molested by the same sex stepparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right to feel the situation is weird -and, if this woman routinely shuts you out, sleeping arrangements may be something to revisit in your custody agreement.

I'm wondering how many people would think this is appropriate if it were a stepdad doing this with a stepchild.

Signed someone who was molested by the same sex stepparent.

I agree. That she is seeking out that degree of physical contact IS weird and inappropriate not to mention the impact on sleep. I'd talk to your lawyer OP.

[Anonymous]

ITA with 15:43. I think if this were a child's StepFATHER everyone would be completely appalled and urging the OP to call child services, her lawyer, etc etc. The stepmother sounds really fishy to me, especially if she really is trying to pass herself off as the mom, and it wasn't just a case of the other parents assuming she was.

Definitely talk to your ex and his new wife. If they blow off your concerns, speak to your lawyer OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right to feel the situation is weird -and, if this woman routinely shuts you out, sleeping arrangements may be something to revisit in your custody agreement.

I'm wondering how many people would think this is appropriate if it were a stepdad doing this with a stepchild.

Signed someone who was molested by the same sex stepparent.

A man? 94% of reported molestations against females are perpetrated by males.

[Anonymous]

Not sure of your point PP. I don't think OP wants her DD to be in the other 6%.

[Anonymous]

What possible reason could she have for doing this that makes any sense? I feel crowded by my toddler if we both lay on the couch and this is a school aged kid for a whole night? I don't know OP, can you say that she isn't sleeping well and that she needs to go back to sleeping in her room there? Maybe run a strategy by your attorney before bringing it up. She might get defensive so your first shot should be your best. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it totally weird, and in appropriate, for a grown woman to plan to sleep, with a 5 year old child, on a *couch*. When they both have their own beds in the place. Children should sleep on mattresses, not squished with an adult on a couch. I had assumed OP you meant a pull out sofa bed. Now that you clarify you really did mean that they were sleeping together squished up next to each other on a couch -- yes, that is weird, and I think you are well within your rights to tell your Sx that your daughter wants to sleep in her own bed when she visits.

I have to agree with this. I'm all for avoiding power struggles with the step-mom and supporting a close relationship with the DD and her step-mom...but smooshing together on the sofa seems odd and somewhat inappropriate, considering DD has her own bed that she's comfortable in. It's forcing a closeness that should happen organically. This kind of physical and emotional closeness should be initiated by the CHILD, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it totally weird, and in appropriate, for a grown woman to plan to sleep, with a 5 year old child, on a *couch*. When they both have their own beds in the place. Children should sleep on mattresses, not squished with an adult on a couch. I had assumed OP you meant a pull out sofa bed. Now that you clarify you really did mean that they were sleeping together squished up next to each other on a couch -- yes, that is weird, and I think you are well within your rights to tell your Sx that your daughter wants to sleep in her own bed when she visits.

I have to agree with this. I'm all for avoiding power struggles with the step-mom and supporting a close relationship with the DD and her step-mom...but smooshing together on the sofa seems odd and somewhat inappropriate, considering DD has her own bed that she's comfortable in. It's forcing a closeness that should happen organically. This kind of physical and emotional closeness should be initiated by the CHILD, in my opinion.

PP here...and just to add, I would feel differently if the child initiated sleeping on the sofa with SM. Then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

[Anonymous]

But PP, all night for 2 nights per week? On a regular sized sofa? Who sleeps like that? I think it's creepy. Can you imagine being SM and defending that in court? What is she achieving that couldn't be achieved during non-sleeping time? Kids can be manipulated in all kinds of ways so I wouldn't hang it on the kid's feeling about it. This isn't kissing Great Aunt Tilly on the cheek. I think this is WAY OUTSIDE THE NORM of how people sleep, never mind sleep with their stepchildren all night, repeatedly. I think people are trying to normalize something that is really not normal.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you would come across as having less of an agenda if you didn't comment on your sex life with your ex.

That said, seems pretty weird to me.

[Anonymous]

To me what is weird here is that the dad is so out of the loop and excluded. If the dd was cosleeping with stepmom and dad, that would be different. But to seek out a couch on a continual basis seems odd.

Now, I might start off talking to the ex and seeing if dd has night fears etc. That are causing this, because you have noticed new sleeping patterns etc. I would start off as a discussion or concern, rather than accusation, because you won't get much info if you put them on the defensive off the bat. If you treat them as partners on the same side of the issue that dd gets good sleep and doesn't regress to cosleeping, they may act the part.

[Anonymous]

I hope there is some kind of reasonable explanation for this. And not that she is slowly grooming DD for future abuse. It would be creepy if she married your ex to get access to DD. That's what a lot of male pedophiles do--get into a close, trusting relationship with the parent to take advantage of the child.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the it's way wierd and inappropriate camp. No way I'd do this with my OWN five year old daughter let alone someone elses. Try telling your ex nicely but firmly that it needs to stop because it is messing up her sleep habits and is not comfortable for her. If it doesn't, then you can escalate. I'd also take this as a red flag that there is something off about this situation and keep a VERY close eye on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope there is some kind of reasonable explanation for this. And not that she is slowly grooming DD for future abuse. It would be creepy if she married your ex to get access to DD. That's what a lot of male pedophiles do--get into a close, trusting relationship with the parent to take advantage of the child.

Yes, is what set off alarms for me too. Unless DD initiates these sleepovers, I dont think the fact DD likes them or doesn't mind is not to speak up.