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Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
New Stepmother spending night on the couch with DD
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Anonymous
I forgot the kid on top position, this is another position that I would use when attempting to sleep with my sick infant/toddler. After an hour or two of repositioning myself/child in this or the spoon/face-to-face embrace position experienced head/back/neck discomfort and would ultimately wind up taking child to bed and co-sleeping with hubby. My sofa measures 17" across. |
Anonymous
| Ick ick ick. It would creep me out. Sounds like stepmom is looking to develop a strong dependency/tie in your daughter. At best she is teaching your child unhealthy sleep habits. |
Anonymous
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Is your exhusband sleeping alone in their bedroom while this is going on? Is he even in the house during your daughter's overnight visits? While you were married did you sleep with your daughter out on the couch? Why is he going along with this, accepting it as normal behavior.
OP, you are your daughter's mother and clearly you find this situation weird. It should end right there. Would your ex get on DCUM and pose this question about new step daddy spooning his daughter on the living room couch while you slept soundly elsewhere in the house. I don't think so. Step mom has her legs and arms wrapped around your daughter on the couch, yet her dad is fine with this? This picture just isn't making any sense to me. You really need to talk to him and confront this concern. Step mom evidentally doesn't understand how boundaries work and that she's behaving inappropriately. |
Anonymous
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Has anyone considered they may be sleeping with their heads on opposite ends of the couch? Although the situation may warrant watching, or trying to find out more, sounds like a lot of you are over reacting.
Reading this thread makes it sound like many of you think it would be better is the step mom never touched the child and barely interacted with her. I do wonder where DH is? OP have you asked your DD this? Have you asked your ex? |
Anonymous
No one said anything about it being better if she never touched the girl. You really think step mom was sleeping at the opposite end of the couch rearranging her legs and feet throughout the night to avoid kicking her step daughter. Twice a week, really? I don't think it's overacting to request that her daughter sleep in her own bed on the nights that she's over there. Doubt if a judge would find this request as overaction. |
Anonymous
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Maybe some additional facts would provide useful context.
How big is the couch? My husband and I frequently fall asleep together on our couch. While watching TV, we take off the back pillows and there's plenty of space for both of us, even with no real snuggling involved. Is it possible that your daughter is only telling you portions of the relevant facts? Is it really every night she's there? Is there any reason given for it? Does our ex-husband have good judgment? Is he perceptive? |
Anonymous
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These relationships are very difficult. And by that I mean the exes to eachother, the steps to eachother and the steps to the primary parents, but I assure you that there are going to be a million things that come up and each of your houses that you will want to be totally involved in but won't be able to. This set-up is rife with control issues and having to give up control is a constant battle. Other then why your ex dh doesn't sleep with his wife in the bed (which is really their business) I would mix out. It sounds like a phase that will go away. Step parents are always looking for ways to bond and while I think this is odd, I don't think it's worth getting upset about if your dd is still sleeping ok at your house.
If you feel you need to say something then I find that communication through the original parents is the cleanest way to go until there is a long history of trust and respect built through time. Your concerns should be communicated through your ex. And stop making overtures to the step mother. There really isn't any need for that and you can let your relationship evolve also over a greater period of time. She doesn't need to have lunch with you. Her allegiances are elsewhere. I've been a step for 6 years and have a really strong relationship with dh's ex, with the ex's dh, and with my step-dd. Happy to try to answer any questions, but the above has really worked well for us. Until this year and still to a large extent, all communications are really handled between the parents. P.S. Her trying to pass herself off as the mom is unfortunate and insecure, but common. Step mothers are treated terribly, esp in the school environment where the mother is usually the dominant liaison with the other parents and the teachers. Still she should just be herself. Don't worry about the looks. People are easily confused about these relationships and don't really spend too much time thinking about it. |
Anonymous
Hey, fucking moron, that's a question. Not an accusation. It's not like I believe everything I read here. Certainly not you. Who cares how you feel? I don't. |
Anonymous
And you sensitivity is appalling. |
Anonymous
| OP this thread has gotten really off track. Even though people say that step parents do a lot of stuff to bond, no one cited anyone they knew or know who wedged themselves onto a couch a few nights per week with a school aged child. The people who said to ignore it were focused on the adult dynamics, not the weirdness re: your daughter. I'd ask your ex what is up with her sleeping situation. |
Anonymous
So would I. Seriously, why would he be okay not sleeping with his wife because she's in the other room cuddling all night on the couch with his daughter? OP, this sleeping arrangement is clearly bothersome to you. Is there a problem simply asking him why are they sleeping on the couch together on the night's your daughter is at his place? |
Anonymous
Why would you even bother posting this vile? |
Anonymous
NP here -glad to see I am not the only one who had this reaction to this poster. It's amazing the garbage people will spew on an anonymous forum. As for OP -I am with all the people would find that kind of physical contact to sound some alarm bells in my head. If an aunt were doing someting like that wilth my child, I wouldn't think twice about asking her to end that practice. You shoudl try to give the stepmom the benefit of the doubt -i.e. does this happen every visit, what type of couch are we taking, etc. But this just strikes me in the gut as being not right. |
Anonymous
It raises red flags with me too. OP really doesn't know step mom. I would have to tell her to end the couch sleeping, period. |
Anonymous
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OP, had another thought. You might want to tread lightly with your Ex because you don't want to put your daughter in the middle.
If you use an accusatory tone, the SM may feel resentful or embarrassed about being "ratted out" by your DD, even if she was just innocently trying to bond. This may set up a situation where she tries to tell DD not to tell you certain things so she doesn't "get into trouble" with you. I would pose this issue as non-confrontationally as possible. For instance, that the real issue is your daughter's sleep pattern and habits and that they are consistent in the two homes to keep her on schedule and prevent confusion. Having your DH agree that the best place for your DD is in her own bed, with the lights out by Xpm, etc. so that you are both on the same page and prevent night problems. Unless you are really, really creeped out and do in fact think something inappropriate is going on here---but that doesn't sound like the case. Just remember your child has to deal with both families, and any conflict is going to really put her on the spot potentially. Does this SM have other kids? She may just not know what is normal or appropriate yet and is trying to hard to be close to your DD. |