New Stepmother spending night on the couch with DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps your DD's dad and her stepmother aren't getting along and she routinely sleeps on the couch?

But I'm guessing it's more likely that your DD had a hard time sleeping there the first few times, and the stepmother tried to help out.

Either way, I would just talk with the stepmother. Tell her you don't mind the "sleepover" thing, and that you know that she wants to make your DD comfortable, but that you really would rather prefer that your DD slept separately from her. Give her some examples of either they are each in their own sleeping bags, or one of them is on the couch an the other isn't, etc, or your DD is in a guest bed, etc. Then give your DD her own child size sleeping bag, so she will be ready to sleep separately there. Then make it clear to DD that she needs to sleep on her own there.

Not your place to tell the stepmother what to do, especially in her house. Can't imagine that telling her to sleep in a sleeping bag would go over well.

I'm the one you quoted. To the PPs that disagree with me, the OP said she DOESN'T feel comfortable with it. And think about it, her DD is sleeping TWO nights out of every week, squished up on the couch with her stepmom. That's odd. I wouldn't be able to sleep like that. And the DD's mom is the MOM. She decides if it's a weird sleeping arrangement, and it is.

OP, you are going to talk to her, right? You're the mom and if you don't say something it will continue. Just talk to the stepmom when you are feeling calm and make sure to say a lot of positive things about the stepmom and that you know she has the best intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I meant to ask, are they just falling asleep watching TV or something like that?

OP here-- no, they have pre-planned "sleepovers."

I've tried to connect with her, invite her to coffee, invited her to dinner...she rejects me out of hand. It appears that my ex has told her that I am some kind of monster. I'm the one who left. Maybe he's insecure. Maybe he's afraid that I'll tell her bad things about him. I wouldn't do that. And besides, she's probably already figured out that he's a selfish, incompetent lover-- I don't need to go into that.

She seems like an immature person. She's very highly educated but seems to have limited social skills, making them a perfect match. I'd hoped that we could be like partners in parenting but he seems to have given her the false belief that she knows it all and that her stepchild's actual mother and lifelong primary caretaker must be avoided. That's sure to work out just great over the long run.

It's all just weird and unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I meant to ask, are they just falling asleep watching TV or something like that?

OP here-- no, they have pre-planned "sleepovers."

I've tried to connect with her, invite her to coffee, invited her to dinner...she rejects me out of hand. It appears that my ex has told her that I am some kind of monster. I'm the one who left. Maybe he's insecure. Maybe he's afraid that I'll tell her bad things about him. I wouldn't do that. And besides, she's probably already figured out that he's a selfish, incompetent lover-- I don't need to go into that.

She seems like an immature person. She's very highly educated but seems to have limited social skills, making them a perfect match. I'd hoped that we could be like partners in parenting but he seems to have given her the false belief that she knows it all and that her stepchild's actual mother and lifelong primary caretaker must be avoided. That's sure to work out just great over the long run.

It's all just weird and unfortunate.

I'm sorry.

I don't remember seeing it on the thread -- how your daughter feels about these sleepovers -- but I think I'd tell her that it's always OK to excuse herself to go sleep in her own bed if she ever gets uncomfortable (crowded on the sofa), etc. Give her the tools upfront to handle different situations (especially if she's shy, doesn't want to seem impolite or hurt feelings, etc.). And I'd probably get her a cell phone in a few years (breaking my own rule of no cells until high school). I think that cell phone link is important when parents are divorced.

[Anonymous]

Unless it becomes systematic and DD starts not to be able to sleep alone I would really back off there.
Anything that you say or do will look extremely controling and jealous.
No harm there and count your blessing that she stepmom try to establish a connection there.
Your ex married this women so for you to invest in a good long temr relationship with her is in the best interest of DD.

Now I would be pissed too if she tries to pretend to be the mum but be careful to choose your battle: did she lie and say she is the mum or said nothing and people just assumed that she was...

[Anonymous]

I think it totally weird, and in appropriate, for a grown woman to plan to sleep, with a 5 year old child, on a *couch*. When they both have their own beds in the place. Children should sleep on mattresses, not squished with an adult on a couch. I had assumed OP you meant a pull out sofa bed. Now that you clarify you really did mean that they were sleeping together squished up next to each other on a couch -- yes, that is weird, and I think you are well within your rights to tell your Sx that your daughter wants to sleep in her own bed when she visits.

[Anonymous]

It would be just as weird if stepmom wanted to sleep in your daughter's single bed. Not approrpiate. Plus your child isn't going to get enough sleep.

[Anonymous]

weird, weird, weird! I am one to ALWAYS err on the side of caution. I'd rather hurt someone's feelings than realize later someone had bad intentions towards me or my kids. I am a fierce mama bear when I think somebody's being weird with my kids. I don't trust a lot of adult to be alone with my DC and won't until they are much older and they understand the "talks" about what is appropriate and what is not. My mom talked to us about. She didn't make any of us afraid but instead made us feel empowered to speak up if we were uncomfortable realize we could tell our parents anytime we thought something wasn't right.

You are her mother and always have the right to question anything going on with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I meant to ask, are they just falling asleep watching TV or something like that?

OP here-- no, they have pre-planned "sleepovers."

I've tried to connect with her, invite her to coffee, invited her to dinner...she rejects me out of hand. It appears that my ex has told her that I am some kind of monster. I'm the one who left. Maybe he's insecure. Maybe he's afraid that I'll tell her bad things about him. I wouldn't do that. And besides, she's probably already figured out that he's a selfish, incompetent lover-- I don't need to go into that.

She seems like an immature person. She's very highly educated but seems to have limited social skills, making them a perfect match. I'd hoped that we could be like partners in parenting but he seems to have given her the false belief that she knows it all and that her stepchild's actual mother and lifelong primary caretaker must be avoided. That's sure to work out just great over the long run.

It's all just weird and unfortunate.

I'm sorry.

I don't remember seeing it on the thread -- how your daughter feels about these sleepovers -- but I think I'd tell her that it's always OK to excuse herself to go sleep in her own bed if she ever gets uncomfortable (crowded on the sofa), etc. Give her the tools upfront to handle different situations (especially if she's shy, doesn't want to seem impolite or hurt feelings, etc.). And I'd probably get her a cell phone in a few years (breaking my own rule of no cells until high school). I think that cell phone link is important when parents are divorced.

I think this is key advice. Maybe DD likes it...but...it's still strange.

[Anonymous]

I'd say, count your blessings. Sounds like nothing other than a loving step mother who cares for your DD a lot and is working on bonding with her.

[Anonymous]

What adult, male or female, would think this was ok? And it must not be very comfortable for her (stepmom) either to sleep all cramped up on a couch with another person. Does she seem like she might have been brought up in a funny family situation and is repeating it with DD?

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a jealous control freak.

[Anonymous]

It sounds totally bizarre to me, as does the passing herself off as the mother. I'd be pissed about the latter and annoyed by the former.

[Anonymous]

What was ex-husband like during the baby days? Was he good about dealing with night crying, or awful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say, count your blessings. Sounds like nothing other than a loving step mother who cares for your DD a lot and is working on bonding with her.

pp who thinks this is too weird. If she was such a loving and caring step-mom she wouldn't treat OP the way she does. My mom remarried when I was 5 and my step-dad treated my Dad very respectfully all of the time and let my Dad participate in many "family" events because he was a loving step-parent who cared about me. If she is so caring to the DD then she would be trying harder with the OP. So, I stand on my "too weird for me" theory and would put an end to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They live at the same place my ex has lived since 2006, and Stepmom just moved in last Spring. My daughter is NOT unable to sleep over there, and it's not a matter of comforting her. DD enjoys it, but it was entirely the stepmother's idea. I think that stepmother and dad get along, but if they didn't, it would be weird if stepmother went to DD, who sleeps just fine in her room, for comfort. It's just a couch, not a pullout, so that means a pretty tall adult and a school-aged child squished on top of each other.

As far as I can tell, the only reason that they do this is that the stepmother wanted to.

I know it's isn't my place to tell my ex what to do unless a matter of safety or inappropriate behavior, but I believe that I have authority over a woman who's known this child less than a year and is not a party to our custody agreement. Naturally ex would back her up, but I'm feeling very uncomfortable with this. What kind of a grown woman wants to sleep on a couch with a five-year-old who is not her daughter instead of with her new husband?

Hhhm. I doubt it. And I doubt she'll react to that sentiment in a way that will make things any easier for you. I'm not sure I'd be too crazy about it if I were in your situation, but frankly, I don't see anything really wrong with it, particularly if your daugher likes it. If your daughter objected to it, that would be a completely different matter.