I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.
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Anonymous
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We live next door to a family that I have quietly envied since they moved in five years ago.
They have kids my children's age. The wife is perfect: gorgeous, friendly, successful, Manhattan-bred. She works for herself, so she's at home a lot, and also has a trust fund (which I learned by Googling her maiden name and learning about her family...and NYT wedding coverage...). Her husband is this super down-to-earth but Ivy League guy. Very affable. They are just a Golden Couple. They seem to have everything. The issue is mainly with my daughter: Their kids are popular and outgoing. Mine are shy and more introverted. Lately the girl next door has been including and then excluding my own daughter -- drawing her into the circle but then cattily turning her out. It breaks my heart. She will ask her over, then have another girl over too and they'll ignore her. My daughter rubs over there like a puppy. Meanwhile the parents just seem to have this picture-perfect life: fancy jobs, money, summer house, looks, etc. And they're not fake; I believe they truly are happy. And they are not snobby. But the issue with my daughter is pushing me over the edge. I know the envy is silly and I am in therapy about it. I talk about it a lot and am working on ways to feel better about my own life. But now it's affecting my kid. She wants this girl's approval so much, lives or dies by whether she includes her in things, sees her playing next door with other girls and feels left out, etc. I encourage her own interests and friendships, but inside it's eating me up. I say NOTHING to my kid bc I don't want my own envy issues getting to her, so I vent to DH and therapist and DH doesn't get it. I would like to move and just not deal with the Perfect Family any longer. DH thinks that's absolutely insane. Help? |
Anonymous
| So move. They can go with you if they want. |
Anonymous
Huh? |
Anonymous
| I get it. I am envious of a coworker who is truly a wonderful person with a great life. It’s the first time I’ve ever been envious and it kind of sucks. It would be so much harder w the daughter dynamic you have. But of course your DH is right. It would be crazy to move. You need to have a heart to heart with your DD. Encourage her to hang out with some old friends. |
Anonymous
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Until you deal with your issues, there will be issues with another family in your new neighborhood.
You also need to help your daughter build up some self esteem. She shouldn't be running over there every time she's invited. Teach her to stand up for herself "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. It's mean and I dont want to hang out with you anymore" Obviously that needs a lot of work. The best thing you can do right now is teach your DD to grow a backbone. Otherwise the jealousy and approval monster is going to eat her up, just like it did to you. |
Anonymous
If you want to move, move. Your family might choose to go with you or not. |
Anonymous
Huh? |
Anonymous
Op sounds nuts and obviously has already negatively impacted her daughter. Maybe the family is better off with OP living elsewhere. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Agreed. This is a parenting issue, not a real estate issue. You can teach your daughter that she doesn't have to accept mean behavior. |
Anonymous
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OP, it sounds like you need a wake up call. You say you're in therapy and yet you also say you're always venting to your therapist and to DH and talking about it a lot. So what work have you actually done in therapy? Going to therapy means nothing if you're not doing the work required.
So here is the tough love. You're thinking of uprooting your entire family over your jealousy. That's insane. Your jealousy and desperation to feel validated and good enough have not gone unnoticed by your daughter. Why do you think she keeps going over to the neighbor's house even though the girl is mean to her? Because she's looking for validation too. You're completely blind if you think your own issues haven't gone unnoticed to your daughter. so instead of uprooting their lives because you can't get your stuff together, either put in the hard work the therapist or get a new therapist. Then you need to teach your daughter how to stick up for herself. This desperate need for validation and continuously putting yourself in situations where you're treated badly can be A LOT worse than just a neighbor girl and her friend ignoring you. |
Anonymous
| Team DH, I think you are nuts. |
Anonymous
| OP you are going to screw up your daughter 1000x worse than any neighbor could if you don’t throw yourself into fixing your envy issues. |
Anonymous
Tips? |
Anonymous
Stop being obtuse. You know the PP is saying that OP can move if she choose but the family she is jealous of could end up moving next door to her again. The point being that OP needs to fix her own issues instead of running away. If she runs away the same issues will appear in the new hood. NP |