I want to move due to resentment of neighbors and DH thinks I'm being crazy.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m mostly introverted and frankly I like a bit of distance from my direct next door neighbors. It doesn’t sound like you gel with them anyway. So I’d lay off the efforts to befriend them. You can be friendly and neighborly, but you don’t have to be hanging out.

As for your daughter, it sounds like they interact because of school and activities. For this reason it may be helpful to facilitate some kind of relationship, preferably under your watch, on your property. I say this as someone who has a daughter who struggles with social interactions, making friends, knowing how to join a group. I had to really coach her through it all and hosted a ton of play dates when she was young. Don’t pass on your insecurities, but just give her the tools and strategies she needs to manage various social interactions. Give her books if needed. And then also facilitate extending her friend circle to some other friends- ones she naturally gels with, are nice, and share similar interests. It really helps to like their parents too.

Good luck OP. And don’t move- that’s crazy talk.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is sad. I am sorry you are torn up over this.

You have jealous issues -- which a lot of people do. The way you are fixating on them and letting them rule your life and emotions is not normal or healthy.

You should focus on establishing friendships based on who YOU are and what YOU like and desire. Not proximity or via your children, who are old enough to make their own friends. You should teach your daughter the same. If you have your own authentic friendships, you'll be less compelled to force fake ones.

This also sounds like a TON of socializing during COVID. Which is not great.

Moving over jealousy is insane. Insane. Don't do that. You'll just find another reason to move. Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

If my spouse wanted to move due to this issue I would be very very concerned.

What's to say you don't move and the same issues arise?

This is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you realize how your feeling affecting your daughter's life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Until you deal with your issues, there will be issues with another family in your new neighborhood.

You also need to help your daughter build up some self esteem. She shouldn't be running over there every time she's invited. Teach her to stand up for herself "No Molly. I don't want to come over. You always invite someone else and then you both ignore me. It's mean and I dont want to hang out with you anymore" Obviously that needs a lot of work.

The best thing you can do right now is teach your DD to grow a backbone. Otherwise the jealousy and approval monster is going to eat her up, just like it did to you.

+1. Get your daughter involved in hobbies where she can develop self esteem and make real friends.

[Anonymous]

Being best friends with your next door neighbor is never a realistic goal.

I am happy to wave and say hello most of the time, stopping for a quick chat over the fence maybe a couple times a year.

That's civil and separate.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to leave this here because the whole thread is driving me crazy with how few people know the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to leave this here because the whole thread is driving me crazy with how few people know the difference.

That's helpful. I think most people understand the difference but they can't necessarily articulate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to leave this here because the whole thread is driving me crazy with how few people know the difference.

Geez, whoever came up with this table should go back to elementary school!
"Jealousy" is not an adjective, it's a noun. "Jealous" is an adjective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to leave this here because the whole thread is driving me crazy with how few people know the difference.

Geez, whoever came up with this table should go back to elementary school!
"Jealousy" is not an adjective, it's a noun. "Jealous" is an adjective.

Yeah, this is a terrible chart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live next door to a family that I have quietly envied since they moved in five years ago.
They have kids my children's age.
The wife is perfect: gorgeous, friendly, successful, Manhattan-bred. She works for herself, so she's at home a lot, and also has a trust fund (which I learned by Googling her maiden name and learning about her family...and NYT wedding coverage...).
Her husband is this super down-to-earth but Ivy League guy. Very affable. They are just a Golden Couple. They seem to have everything.
The issue is mainly with my daughter: Their kids are popular and outgoing. Mine are shy and more introverted. Lately the girl next door has been including and then excluding my own daughter -- drawing her into the circle but then cattily turning her out. It breaks my heart. She will ask her over, then have another girl over too and they'll ignore her. My daughter rubs over there like a puppy.
Meanwhile the parents just seem to have this picture-perfect life: fancy jobs, money, summer house, looks, etc. And they're not fake; I believe they truly are happy. And they are not snobby.
But the issue with my daughter is pushing me over the edge. I know the envy is silly and I am in therapy about it. I talk about it a lot and am working on ways to feel better about my own life. But now it's affecting my kid. She wants this girl's approval so much, lives or dies by whether she includes her in things, sees her playing next door with other girls and feels left out, etc.

I encourage her own interests and friendships, but inside it's eating me up. I say NOTHING to my kid bc I don't want my own envy issues getting to her, so I vent to DH and therapist and DH doesn't get it. I would like to move and just not deal with the Perfect Family any longer. DH thinks that's absolutely insane.
Help?

Meh, I bet there’s a pool boy or landscape boy in their lives you just don’t know about. Just get over it.

[Anonymous]

OP you don’t need therapy you need a psychiatrist. Your thoughts are pathological. No amount of therapy will fix that, but meds might,

Don’t you have your own friends? It sounds like you two don’t run in the same social circle, which is fine. Don’t force it. Do not go to bonfire if host didn’t invite you personally.

Be friendly to neighbor but there is no reason to feel you need to be bffs. Just say hi and shoot the breeze if you both happen to be out in the yard at the same time. Let your daughter decide how to manage her friendships and stay out of that. You can guide her by talking about what makes a good friend and how to be a good friend. But otherwise stay out of it. She isn’t being bullied or beat up by neighbor girl. Everyone gets rejected in life at various times from various people; jobs, auditions, a boyfriend, a classmate, even neighbor kids. This is a normal part of life and growing up.

[Anonymous]

OP I’m sorry this has consumed you but you may need meds. There’s a pandemic raging, people are losing their jobs, people are dying, schools are closed, and your whole family is healthy and stable and this is what you are worrying about/obsessing over? My sister can get like this but is so much better when she is on meds. You are borrowing trouble to not take this level of unhappiness seriously and figure out what’s going on with your moral compass, your soul, your psyche. So messed up and sad for you to waste your kids golden years worrying about this. I wish you luck (and a better psychologist!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe you’re not religious, but when I’m envious of someone, I pray for them. Pray that they are blessed with peace, success, happiness. I think then it helps to start to Delight in their successes instead of feeling bitter.

I think that this is exactly the right approach, particularly because it re-frames your own thoughts about a situation in a positive way. You can't change your neighbor, but you can change your own thoughts about them. If something good happens to them be happy for them.

[Anonymous]

Hi! I'm the OP again. Thanks, I have been talking to my therapist about this, spent the week feeling better, and then I just found out that my daughter's classmates (including neighbor in question) formed a learning pod for the year. It's four girls. My daughter isn't included. They've been hanging out outside in the neighbor's yard this week, and my daughter will be outside playing, and they of course don't include her because it's not part of the safe "pod." The issue is she looks out the window and sees them, or looks right next door, so it's right in front of her face.

She has two friends in a different class, but neither parent is doing a pod. She came home upset yesterday because one of the girls -- not the neighbor -- told her she couldn't play because she's not part of the group. This is making exclusion even worse because they blame it on safety, and I get it, but my daughter feels like the odd person out.

Advice?

When she sees them playing, I try to take her out and do something with her, but I work from home and can't just stop my day whenever she sees the neighborhood clique.